“Commentator’s Away Day”

Match: 19 / 494

Lost by 28 runs

Team	Total
Islip CC	102
T. Smith 4 - 28, J. Hoskins 3 - 14
FFTMCC	71
R. Turner 29

As we were sipping our customary pre-match preprandials at the Red Lion, I spotted two familiar faces no less than two tables away: none other than legendary batting critics Geoffrey Boycott and Michael Vaughan.

On my way to the bar for a second pint, I made a slight detour past their table to confirm it really was them.

Vaughan: We’re on an away day – well, an away weekend actually – there’s so few breaks in international cricket, particularly this summer, it’s really nice to get a chance to see some grassroots action.

Boycott: We’ve heard this particular pitch gives quite a lot of assistance to the bowlers, so I’d like to see how the players at club level deal with it. Goodness knows, the internationals right now don’t seem able to… I could bat all day on a pitch like that, any pitch; I’d love to… But I might be a bit past it now.

Vaughan: I still could. Have both teams got 11?

They join us at our table briefly, and talk about getting bat and pad close together, technique, stuff like that.

I think they’ve come to the wrong game; I don’t think they’d fit in; we’ve got 11 again now anyway; and I don’t think any of us are going to get the England call-up, despite those top 3 batting positions looking vacant at the moment; but never mind.

I was going to invite them over to watch the game, but it seems they were coming anyway. They parked themselves on a bench somewhat away from the main gaggle. I would say publicly that I’m not proud of what I did next, but of course I am.

I wandered over to ask if they would like any drinks. On my way, I set the audio recorder app on my phone, half put it back in my pocket, then let it drop surreptitiously on the grass (like many catches that have come my way) as I was taking their order. They were OK for drinks. What follows is a partial transcript from that recording.

Transcript….

A. Rehman c Webster b Reeves 10

Vaughan: Well, he’s almost hit that too well. The bowler straying down legside. Clipped off his pads – and it’s flown straight to square leg, juggled and pouched at the second grab.

Boycott: He hasn’t hit it well at all. That’s the trouble with these modern players – they’re too flamboyant. You’ve got to get on top of the ball and keep it down. You can’t get out caught if you don’t hit it in the air.

O. Black b Reeves (7-1-14-2) 0

Vaughan: This is excellent bowling. Perfect line and length and let the pitch do the rest. That one just nipping back in off the seam and clipping the top of off.

Boycott: I don’t care how good the bowling is. His pad’s nowhere near the bat. Look, he’s got an inside edge on that – can’t be out LBW if it hits his pad.

B. Crawford b Hoskins 6

Boycott: Silly boy.

Vaughan: He’s had a rush of blood to the head there. An almighty heave across the line – far too early – and he’s just missed a straight one.

Boycott: He’s only young, but he’s got to learn to be patient. Wait for the bad balls – they’ll come.

H. Brock b Hoskins 18

Vaughan: That’s kept very low. He’s a bit unlucky there – inside edge onto the pads and onto the stumps.

Boycott: Luck’s got nothing to do with it. It’s about technique. Bat and pad close together. I could get a double decker bus through that gap. The inside edge would save him from LBW.

L. Bennett-Jones c Hotson b Hoskins (6-2-14-3) 7

Vaughan: It was a full-toss, his eyes lit up – but he’s spooned it straight to cover.

Boycott: I keep saying: you can’t be out caught if you hit it along the ground. No need to try and hit it over the fielders – there are enough gaps there if you play sensibly. Your team are in trouble now at 53 for 5.

Max discovers later in the day, that batting incompetence means umpiring duties are to follow.

S. Kimber b Newman-Robson (5-1-22-1) 0

Boycott: That was a crackerjack of a delivery: right arm over against the left-hander, pitching off and hitting top of off; unplayable. But he left the gate open. At least make sure it hits your pad and the umpire has to make a decision. Sometimes he’ll give you ‘not out’. But he’s only young; he’ll learn.

Vaughan: Yeah, a perfect delivery to a new batsman. If it had hit his pad, there’s no DRS in this game, so the umpire’s decision would stand. But what a difference an end makes. This bowler was awful from the other end, but coming down the hill he’s found his rhythm, and it’s an excellent spell of bowling.

J. Swaddling lbw b Smith 9

Vaughan: I think he’s just played the wrong line there. That looked absolutely plumb.

A. Epton b Smith 13

Vaughan: That’s poor batting. We’ve seen a number of balls keep low, and he’s trying to slog-sweep right off middle stump.

Boycott: They were building a decent partnership. No need to do anything different. I can’t understand the mentality of some of these players.

W. Brock c Hotson b Smith 17

Vaughan: He’s tried to cut it and it’s ballooned off the top edge to cover, for a nicely-judged catch. A risky shot to play on this pitch, but I think you have to attack the loose balls – sooner or later you’ll get one with your name on it. But he’s played very nicely and given his side a fighting chance.

Boycott: I can’t argue with that.

S. Nelson b Smith (5.3-0-28-4) 1

Islip – a village way prettier than the wicket.

Vaughan: 102 might not seem like very many, but on this wicket, if they get a couple of early breakthroughs, anything could happen.

Boycott: If they bat sensibly, they’ll make this easily. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t get yourself out. Make the bowlers work hard for your wicket.

[M. Anderson (3-0-16-0) and G. Timms (1-0-1-0) also bowled.]

J. Hotson c Black b Rehman 1

Boycott: Idiot. What’s he doing chasing a wide one like that? There’s no need, he should have left it. He’s not going to score any runs with a shot like that anyway.

Vaughan: You’re absolutely right, Geoffrey. It’s good bowling though; he’s bowled a few inswingers, and now one that shapes away. The batsman’s drawn into a half-shot, but he should have adjusted and left it well alone – it might even have been called a wide. When you’re chasing such a low total, on a difficult pitch, every run’s important, including extras.

I. Howarth b Rehman 8

Boycott: Another idiot. What does he think he’s trying to do?

Vaughan: Yeah, I can’t understand it either. You’re only chasing 100: three an over; absolutely no need for a shot like that. It’s good bowling again though: a big inswinger, full of a length, tempting the batsman into the drive.

Boycott: But these are the opening batsmen, they should be resisting temptation.

J. Webster lbw b Crawford 0

Boycott: He’s caught in no-man’s-land. Either play forward or back. He’s done neither, he’s stuck in his crease, and look, it’s hit him on the back leg: umpire’s got no choice but give him out.

Vaughan: Well, it’s hit him on the back shin; he should be playing forward to that, at least give the umpire something to think about.

Hotson soon had another job to do (scoring) after batting like an “idiot”. The other “idiot” took photos.

M. Anderson b Crawford 0

Boycott: Unbelievable. You’re three down early on. Your team need two batsmen to stay at the crease and you play a shot like that first ball. No wonder you get a golden duck.

Vaughan: I’m lost for words; I really am.

[J. Newman-Robson not out 0 (hat-trick ball)]

Boycott: Well played young man.

J. Newman-Robson b Crawford 2

Boycott: I spoke too soon. You don’t have to swing at every ball just because you think you’ve got your eye in. He’s got good technique – but no discipline.

Vaughan: Yeah, this has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous. 25 for 5, and that target of 103 now seems a very long way away. I passed a guy talking about a wooden spoon; I don’t know what he was on about, but if there’s a wooden spoon award for batting, this team is certainly getting it.

[R. Turner not out 23]

Boycott: That’s a beautiful cover drive, shot of the day for me.

Vaughan: Yes. Slightly unorthodox technique, but effective. Perfectly timed. No big swing of the bat, just a push shot really, and it cruises to the boundary through the long grass. That’s all they need to do.

Boycott: If these two stay in, they’ll win this. It’s the best batting I’ve seen all day – though that doesn’t say an awful lot.

Turner (batting) – the only decent innings Boycott saw all day.

G. Timms c Kimber b Bennett-Jones 8

Vaughan: Well, he was doing the right thing, attacking the loose ball. Unfortunately, he’s hit a full toss straight down mid-on’s throat.

Boycott: No need to hit it in the air like that. What’s wrong with hitting it along the ground? They still only need four an over. Trouble is, they haven’t got many wickets left now.

M. Reeves b N. Brock 0

Boycott: You can’t cut the ball off the stumps like that. Not on this pitch – not on any pitch.

Vaughan: And not when you’re 6 down needing another 47 off 12 overs.

Mike’s purple patch with the bat stalls.

R. Turner c Epton b Bennett-Jones 29

Vaughan: It was in the blockhole and he got something on it, but steered it straight to the ’keeper.

Boycott: That’s a shame. Well batted young man. The only decent innings I’ve seen all day.

Vaughan: Yeah, I think their hopes of winning have gone with that dismissal, but you never know.

Boycott: I don’t know what the nine, ten and jack can do, but he can’t blame himself if his team don’t win. It’s his team-mates who’ve let him down.

J. Hoskins not out 5

Vaughan: That’s nicely steered over the slips for four. That ball really took off from just back of a length.

Hoskins flays one down third man (or completely misses it).

T. Smith c Rehman b N. Brock 2

Vaughan: We’re clearly into the tail now. I’m not quite sure what he was trying to do there, but he’s ended up just giving mid-on some catching practice.

G. Carter c Rehman b N. Brock 1

Vaughan: Well, you can’t blame the number 11 for swinging the willow. I don’t think they were going to win from here any other way.

Boycott: Well, if the number 11 always plays like that, they never will.

Vaughan: So, how’s your stick of rhubarb, Geoffrey?

Boycott: No-one could bat with rhubarb on that pitch, not even my grandmother.

Cricketing symbolism: Skipper Timms swats away more weekend disappointment.

*

Latest: Tour Squad Announced….

This game was billed as a tour warm-up match, so have we reached the required level of preparedness? The scorebook added up exactly: there was no chance of finding the other 32 runs required there, but none were lost down the back of the proverbial sofa, so that should put us in good stead for the opening game at Stogumber.

With the match finishing slightly early, there was extra time to exercise our drinking ability, which must be a bonus. What about on the field? Are there some clues from Boycott and Vaughan’s commentary? The bowling seems to have impressed them; there was only one dropped catch; and no misfields contending for ‘MAD Moment’ – so that’s pretty much all boxes ticked for the opponents’ innings. Which just leaves our own batting with something to be desired….

Form is temporary; class is permanent. But most of our dismissals seem to have had a psychological cause: attitude, mentality, shot selection, etc. Nothing that a few beers and a good pep talk from the captain on the day can’t fix, eh?

The FFTMCC 2019 Tour squad in full:

Matt ‘Which touring car to use this year’ Bullock
Geoff ‘Where did I put my glasses Gilbert’ Carter
Joe ‘I might need a runner’ Cartwright
Andy ‘Guns in the bag’ Darley
JMO ‘Pick the winners’ Hoskins
Jake ‘There better not be any kettles in my room’ Hotson
Ian ‘Gives another scotch bonnet’ Howarth
Jon ‘Oh yeah! Buttheads coming too’ Newman-Robson
James ‘Clean pair of whites for every game’ Pearson
Mike ‘I’ve sorted the fumigator transport again chaps’ Reeves
Chris ‘But I’m injured so might not make it’ Roberts
Mark ‘Not another fucking year’ Rundle
Dave ‘I own a wood you know’ Shorten
Gary ‘Another year won’t harm’ Timms
Russ ‘Captain Birdseye can walk the plank’ Turner

‘Bugger’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Islip CC Played at Islip, 28 July 2019 Islip CC won the toss and elected to bat Islip CC won by 31 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

19 / 497 35 over match

Team	Islip CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	H. Brock	b Hoskins	18		2	-	4-44
2	A. Rehman	c Webster b Reeves	10		1	-	1-24
3	O. Black *	b Reeves	0		-	-	2-24
4	B. Crawford	b Hoskins	6		-	-	3-41
5	J. Swaddling	lbw b Smith	9		1	-	7-63
6	L. Bennett-Jones	c Hotson b Hoskins	7		-	1	5-53
7	S. Kimber	b Newman-Robson	0		-	-	6-54
8	A. Epton	b Smith	13		2	-	8-91
9	W. Brock	c Hotson b Smith	17		4	-	9-101
10	N. Mason	not out	1		-	-	-
11	S. Nelson	b Smith	1		-	-	10-102
	Extras	NB4, W9, LB1, B6	20
	TOTAL	(all out, 27.3 overs)	102

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Reeves	7	1	14	2	2.00
2	Newman-Robson	5	1	22	1	4.40
3	Hoskins	6	2	14	3	2.33
4	Smith	5.3	0	28	4	5.09
5	Anderson	3	0	16	0	5.33
6	Timms	1	0	1	0	1.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth	b Rehman	8	(15)	1	-	2-21
2	J. C. W. Hotson	c Black b Rehman	1	(16)	-	-	1-13
3	R. P. Turner	c Epton b Bennett-Jones	29	(63)	3	-	8-63
4	J. vdG. Webster	lbw b Crawford	0	(5)	-	-	3-22
5	M. W. Anderson	b Crawford	0	(1)	-	-	4-22
6	J. Newman-Robson	b Crawford	2	(4)	-	-	5-25
7	G. J. Timms *	c Kimber b Bennett-Jones	8	(31)	-	-	6-54
8	M. K. Reeves	b W. Brock	0	(3)	-	-	7-56
9	T. P. W. Smith	c Rehman b W. Brock	2	(5)	-	-	9-67
10	J. D. Hoskins	not out	5	(6)	1	-	-
11	G. Carter †	c Rehman b W. Brock	1	(12)	-	-	10-71
	Extras	NB3, W87, LB3, B2	15
	TOTAL	(all out, 26.4 overs)	71

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Crawford	7	3	15	3	2.14
2	Rehman	7	3	12	2	1.71
3	H. Brock	4	0	12	0	3.00
4	Bennett-Jones	6	1	19	2	3.17
5	W. Brock	2.4	0	8	3	3.00

MOTM: T. P. W. Smith Champagne Moment: J. C. W. Hotson’s spiralling catch Buffet Award: M. W. Anderson’s scrambled egg on toast (with Worcester sauce) MAD Moment: G. Carter using his head as keeper to stop the ball

Opposition: V078 / 07 Ground: G055 / 05 Captain: C022 / 85 Match No: 35 / 177