“You’ll Never Walk Alone”

Match: 21 / 550

Match Abandoned

Team	Total
Hailsham CC	49 - 1
I. Howarth 1 - 26
FFTMCC

Sunday and time to go home after one last breakfast served up by Wetherspoons or Lenny. Time to assemble all your kitbags, backpacks and assorted other shite, and fight for a space in the one available lift to go down to sea level. A bloody nose or blackeye later, the jaded remnants of a touring cricket team would try and remember where their cars were parked in haste, amongst the half-dozen, identical multi-story car parks.

After a memorable Tour in and around Brighton, it was time to travel in the opposite direction to Oxfordshire and eastwards towards Sussex and Hailsham, home to seventeen (count ‘em on their website) different cricket teams ranging from lads, lasses, roses, indoor specialists, juniors, kids and a touring outfit who probably don’t get as shitfaced as this one.

Under a blanket of ashen clouds and a threat of rain, Hailsham’s ground was found to be your average state of affairs, expansive and recreational, flanked by generic flats, trees and with a kid’s playground down cow corner (to a regular right-handed cricketer). It did boast an intriguing pavilion however, not the actual building itself, which conformed with conformity, but the brick decking out front inscribed with the names of sponsors, past players and … well, lots of names basically.

Having won the longest penalty shoot-out in history at the Henty Arms the previous day (MAD Top Trumps and coin tossing), Skipper Hotson demonstrated to all those in attendance how to correctly call head or tails (please note Mr Timms), deciding instantly the team picked for Game #4 needed a darned good thrashing. “We fill field and chase it down in due course.”

Howarth’s opening salvo was a good one, a drop followed by J. Bellett dragging one onto his stumps. 8-1 after 2 overs. That was as good as it got, with A. Anthony (37*) splattering the next 4 overs all over Sussex. It was during this ominous mauling, that one delivery was cracked through the covers past a stationary Matt Bullock, a yard to one side and it’s not a given our chairman would have retained his hands and arms, less so his intestines and spinal column. The red ball continued on its trajectory to roll over a distant boundary rope, somehow camouflaging itself amongst some lush green grass (fielder Bateman disappearing into bushes to retrieve it having walked straight past it).

With the score on 49-1, Roberts ambled in for the now fateful seventh over. His first ball was short of a length (crap to be honest) and given a right smack… straight back at him. In a blur of actions and reactions there was a secondary smack, but this time the sound of ball… on head?! Time froze. Bewildered players on and off the pitch watched fearfully as a gentle giant was felled and lay moaning on the ground with his head in his hands.

Like vinyl on a turntable resuming from off, everything whirled back into an increasingly audible and frenetic chaos. Amongst the players dashing on and off the field, cradling the stricken Bob and generally making so sense whatsofuckingever, Mr Darley would come to the fore as a champion first aider. Becalming everyone with his reassuring knowledge, giving out explicit orders, Andy ensured the right things were done during an agonising wait for an ambulance crew.

On arrival of said emergency vehicle, Bob gestured to the galleries as paramedics and a supporting cast got him firstly off the floor, into the ambulance and then off to the Eastbourne A&E. What next? Oh, game abandoned, sawdust used to soak up the claret at one end and the second hero of the day (Geoff) volunteering to get Mr Roberts’ car back to Oxford. Not the fairytale end to Tour, but an ending nonetheless. And a rather abrupt one. Bob would avoid concussion, pass a myriad of hospital checks and has thus far continued to make a stable recovery (thanks to the cricketing gods).

We must also thank Hailsham for their hospitality on the day, their clear acts of kindness during the distress of the incident and can only wish them well for the season. A special thanks to batsman A. Anthony who has messaged Bob with words of support.

As a footnote to this abbreviated and bloody saga, what of the working title to this match ramble? Well, answering a call for warmth and body heat, Mark Rundle bequeathed the injured Bobby with his beloved Liverpool towel and the rest as they say is (ahem).

Bye, bye, Brighton… may we one day return…?

See y’all on Tour in 2022.

‘O. F. Concern’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Hailsham CC Played at Hailsham recreational Ground, 1 August 2021 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Match Abandoned Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

21 / 550 35 over match

Team	Hailsham CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. Bellett	b Howarth	6	(7)	1	-	1-8
2	J. Wickham	not out	5	(13)	-	-	-
3	A. Anthony *	not out	37	(17)	6	1	-
4	M. Anthony
5	S. Andrews
6	E. Dawber
7	O. McDonald †
8	T. McDonald
9	P. Osborne
10	W. Headland
11	B. Williams
	Extras	W1	1
	TOTAL	(for 1 wicket, 6.1 overs)	49

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Roberts	3.1	0	23	0	7.26
2	Howarth	3	0	26	1	8.67

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. Bullock
2	J. C. Bateman
3	I. Howarth
4	R. P. Turner
5	M. S. Rundle
6	G. Carter
7	J. C. W. Hotson *
8	C. D. Roberts
9	A. Darley †
10	M. K. Reeves
11	J. D. Hoskins
	Extras
	TOTAL

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1
2

MOTM: A. Darley Champagne Moment: I. Howarth’s wicket Buffet Award: I. Howarth’s scotch eggs with side salad and chips (non-lockdown) MAD Moment: J. C. Bateman unable to find red ball lying on green grass about 3 yards away from him (having cleared the boundary rope)

Opposition: V0124 / 01 Ground: G111 / 01 Captain: C012 / 20 Match No: 35 / 200