“2021 Tour Ratings”
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The Far from the MCC’s Tour
of Brighton, East Sussex was a long time in the making. Well, two years to be
exact, with the small matter of a global pandemic affecting the scheduling.
Anyway, the weather for the most part would behave itself, as did the party
who travelled down (mostly). Honouring the epochal
‘Player Ratings’ Inspection of 2008, and those (inferior ones) that have
subsequently followed, here is the latest utterly mesmerising and beguiling
findings from our coastal adventures….
‘Tour Player Inspector’
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Name: James Bateman Rating: 18* out of 62*
Fresh off the mean streets of Wootton, James is
yet to celebrate his fiftieth Birthday and has an attitude to boot. A
debutant tourist, he threw himself into the role of getting shitfaced at every opportunity, holding his own and
producing the goods out in the field. He also took one for the team by
rooming with the nocturnal Hotson, which might explain his thirst over the
four days. |
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Name: Matt Bullock Rating: Second Best at Denton Matt
was exceptional on Tour, navigating groups of inebriated MADsters
effortlessly from one watering hole to another and getting them all back home
again (to see Lenny). His drinking capabilities are known to all, and a
barometer for measuring your own success (or failure). A quietish time on the
field, where one remembers some runs at Denton… and then… some more pub
crawls. As said many times before, he is the epitome of the club. |
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Name: Geoff Carter Rating: Truly MAD
Geoff is a Legend. Full stop. Central to the
club’s blame culture, he lets it all just roll of his seasoned shoulders,
finds a witty riposte and lets the idiot with the
latest accusation work it out. He cemented his burgeoning status by most
likely stealing the MAD Moment of the season at Ferring, collecting the ball
as keeper, spinning on the spot and deftly crushing
the stumps into the turf as he narrowly avoided impaling himself. |
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Name: Andrew Darley (Butt-Head) Rating: Has Blood on his Hands
Eternally
ebullient – two words we always use to describe Mr Darley, so here they are
again. His childlike enthusiasm for all things Tour knows no bounds, and
henceforth, he’ll probably be forced into driving a Team Bus in 2022. Here in
Brighton, Andy ensured we lost at Ferring during a barnstorming run chase,
saved the day at Hailsham by repairing someone’s head, and propped a casino
up by gambling for 36 hours straight after securing a ten-thousand-pound
loan. |
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Name: Giant Duck Rating: Covid Free
Giant Duck had a reasonably quiet Tour, surviving
multiple excursions and providing a stuffed and squelchy tummy for MAD
players to rest their heads and fall asleep on during games. He was briefly
exposed to the elements during a monsoon at East Brighton Park, but
thankfully a guy in his underpants scooped him up and brought him ashore. |
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Name: James Hoskins Rating: 12.5%
A marvellous performance from Tour veteran JMO.
Fuelled by 12.5% beer, he single-handedly beat Denton, was unplayable at East
Brighton Park, a virtuoso super-sub in his shorts at Ferring and there to
support the weight of Bob’s body for 12 hours at Hailsham. Off the field he
won his first million at the Casino, did some break dancing on the table at
the Queen and Kings and even had the energy to run his own day by day Quiz
that nobody can quite remember. |
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Name: Jake Hotson Rating: Now Returning to Earth
Jake drank straight for 96 hours, only
occasionally stopping to play a bit of cricket. His best performances included
officiating proceedings at Ferring whilst polishing off a dozen cans of
Ribena, starting a fight at a casino and joining a bunch of rappers in a park
during the early hours of Saturday (am). Also, of special note, has been his
organisational work in finally sorting the Tour of Brighton, just a shame he
never factored in a global pandemic. |
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Name: Ian Howarth Rating: On a Cold Streak
After
a brief meltdown concerning Covid testing and announcing he was withdrawing
from Tour, Spam turned up nonetheless to get pissed and infect everyone. Universally
acerbic and diligent to his cider, Howarth recovered from pneumonia after streaking
at East Brighton Park, to hit a fine fifty at Ferring. He was also on hand
with his cameras to carry our paparazzi duties during the new action movie
‘The Felling of Bob’. |
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Name: Jon Newman-Robson (Beavis) Rating: TFC
Stepping up to the oche on Tour after months in
the wilderness through injury, Jon provided a herculean performance as he put
some wicket keeping gloves on and… erm, that was about it. He didn’t bat
against Denton, he was dropped for a Friday on the
piss and went down like the Twin Towers at Ferring. Notwithstanding a body as
fragile as a Western backed Afghan army, he soldiered on to heckle anyone in
earshot and destroy most of his liver. |
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Name: Mike Reeves Rating: 5 out of 9
Another reliable Tour for Mr Reeves, throwing in
a 5-for at Ferring and then batting for himself. Mike loves Brighton, and
Brighton loves him, so much so, he drove all the way home to come back with
his missus a few days later. He probably stayed at the Premier Inn too, but
this time had more mature company, better conversation and wasn’t surrounded
by the stale smell of farts and unwashed cricket
whites. Whether Kate brought flapjacks for their excursion is a great
unknown. |
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Name: Chris Roberts Rating: Bloody Awful
Forever
injury prone, Bob went one step further by using his head at Hailsham to try
and glance one in at the far post. Going down quicker than a stripper at
Stringfellows, Chris used up the club’s supply of sawdust mopping up his
claret on the popping crease. Thankfully now fine, the team wonder how he
avoided being charged with a dropped catch. Off the field, when he wasn’t
being whisked to A&E, Bob guided his team mates
around his former stomping ground and got stuck right the fuck in. Note to Mr
Roberts: keep your head down. |
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Name: Mark Rundle Rating: Acerbic
Not the greatest Tour on the pitch for Psycho,
but then opportunities were limited, especially when you get sacked off for a
day on the lash and then see another game abandoned because someone can’t
catch. But Tour ain’t all about “on the pitch”,
it’s off the field that counts, it’s about being glib, drinking, making sick
jokes, dishing out your Liverpool towel to the broken and having to room with
the corpse of Howarth… and Runders ticked all these
boxes, so fuck right off! |
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Name: David Shorten Rating: 73* out of 144
David hits a BIG ball. That much is known and who
will forget his maximum riddled bash at East Brighton Park? Truly
extraordinary and in complete contrast to the intoxicated, misadventures of
his team mates that day. That victory is on you, Mr
Shorten, oh… and the other guy who took that cheap 5-for. Heart-warming
company as ever, David is another of those essential Tour accessories for
just being… different and not throwing up all over his hotel room. He also enjoyed
jogs on the seafront, though Katie Price’s whereabouts are unknown. |
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Name: Gary Timms Rating: Likes a Dance with Kitbags
There was no sleeping on beaches with G&T’s
this year, Glastonbury didn’t happen, so Gary only had his credit card for
company. Dismal on the first day, throwing beer all over himself, he awoke
from a rain-drenched stupor at East Brighton Park to… bowl straight. This he
did, ball after ball, as rabbit after rabbit twitched and hopped back to the
pavilion. It was 5 for 5, until someone correctly added up four singles to
make it 5 for 4. FIVE FOR BLOODY FOUR! Then he drank some more. |
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Name: Russ Turner Rating: One Chair out of One
Taking a backseat from all that
captaining bollocks, Russ afforded himself as much as he wanted to
drink, as much as he wanted to eat and relaxed back into that station wagon
where all the other ex-captains booze, talk about former glories and
generally do fuck all. Superb on the crazy golf, he was less so on the
cricket field, never quite hitting his straps, so took his frustration out on
a plastic chair at Ferring. He also forced the closure of Burger King and
Noori’s |
