“Tour – Day 3: Geoff Unrepentant

In Suicidal Run-out Drama

Foreshadowing Amazing MAD XI Victory”

Match: 22 / 576

Won by 1 run

Team	Total
FFTMCC	142 - 5
C. Williams 29, M. Reeves 23*
Porchfield CC	141 - 9
C. Williams 4 - 11, I. Howarth 2 - 26

Whether you awoke in the tired and rustic surrounds of the Waverley Inn or the formulaic purple of the Premier Inn, on opening your curtains each morning you would welcome in dazzling sunshine and a sub-Saharan vista. The grass has turned yellow, it is bone-dry and many of the crops have wilted and died. The bones of camels lie where they collapsed and vultures hover high above. Your parents would tell you this is the driest summer since ’76 – the year we ran out of water and had to wash in septic tanks, sating our thirst on beer and engine oil. It is hot. Very hot. Unrelentingly hot.

Messers Darley and Shorten have done us proud on this one. Day after day they have remained sane and sober [for the most part], driving our smelly kit bags, fragile egos and alcoholic glows around this most intriguing of British islands. Not once have they moaned or griped [for the most part], and not once have they regretted agreeing to chaperone a bunch of adolescent adults [for the most part]. Legends are both. This would be their final taxiing to a cricket ground this Tour, Day 4 having been called off due to a Pylewell failure in calling to arms. Thus, we head to the seemingly remote and nondescript parish of Porchfield, famous for not a lot, but home to a charming little ground and extensive pavilion catering for cricketing tourists and local pissheads [maybe a combo of both] and, well … anyone in general who fancies throwing some money across the bar.

Today would see Porchfield host a Triangular T20 Tournament [let’s just use the acronym TTT or go all street with Treble-T], joined as we would by another amusing and self-depreciating collective, Bartley CC – a team of many levels and characters hailing from across The Solent in Hampshire. There’s was a jocular day on the sauce, experiencing a quite unfathomable sequence of ups and downs that went hand in hand with their cricket [that we will get to later].

Captain Webster organising the riff raff.

One doesn’t recall the why or how the FFTMCC were to contest the first T20 of the day, but it was to be so, and after drawing the short straw, Captain Webster would then dictate his MAD XI give the locals a darned good thrashing and a colonial lesson in this crudest form of the game. Bateman (21) and Williams (29) have complemented each other like a JD and Coke this season [could be the other way round or another combination of liquids altogether] and here they stuck another half century on the board, laying the perfect foundations for Geoff and Him to wreck the day’s pleasant harmony. Following a combustible run out and bat throwing exhibition, ours is to wonder what was going through Spam’s head, and Geoff’s was to wonder if there was actually anything in Spam’s head. Truly awful and a woeful spectacle to the general public.

Everyone finds something really interesting to stare at….

The first innings of the day would land on 142-5 with Shorten (21*) giving it some umpty at the death and Mr Reeves (23*) doing what he does best in remaining unbeaten and protecting his average. A par score perhaps [not that we’d have a clue], and one totalled on an expansive and lightning quick outfield where the ball would regularly vanish into the distance in a cloud of dust. Timms, Turner, Emerson and Bullock drank some beer and did little else.

Shorten gives it a smack.

The Porchfield reply was orchestrated by glovesman D Pratt (51), who’s fine work behind the stumps was complemented by his class with the bat. He would propel the score to 111-2 before Howarth (2-26) redeemed himself with the ball to give The MAD a faint sliver of hope. There had been several close matches in 2022 and this one would be another not to disappoint.

With the hosts zeroing in on victory, Williams (2-0-11-4) was tossed the ball to prove yet again that when he gets it right, he gets it very right, and when not … [we won’t go there]. With a clatter of wickets and runs leaking here, there and everywhere, the real issue for everyone and anyone watching or participating, was trying to understand or fathom the score/scoreboard.

Much like the British gameshow Countdown, here the players and spectators got to show off their numerical agility by trying to calculate the actual score and runs required. A conundrum made infinitely more difficult by numbered placards tumbling onto the floor with every breath of wind, and scorers distracted by a sea of beer glasses and on field umpires questioning the number of balls left in every fucking over…. Chaos.

When all was said and done [and recalculated a dozen times], and with arguments and fist-fights around the bar [to pumping rock music from Marshall stacks], it all came down to Porchfield requiring 4 off the final over to be bowled by young Bateman (2-0-9-1). This they couldn’t quite achieve with keeper Bullock snaffling the final ball of the match to give The MAD a famous 1 run win.

Topping the Treble-T table with chests puffed out, it was now time to chill out as the redundant team, sweat furtherly into discoloured and niffy kit, and sample a voluminous tea prepared by the good womenfolk of Porchfield. In addition to this, The MAD tourists proved more than capable of running up a £200 bar tab at Mike Reeves’ expense.

Captain Webster simply relaxed back on to his throne [on the pavilion porch], grinned smugly to himself and overdosed on local meths and moonshine. “Captaincy? I shit it. Piece of fucking piss.”

‘Cob Sturr’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far From the MCC versus Porchfield CC Played at Porchfield, 30 July 2022 Far From the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Far From the MCC won by 1 run Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

22 / 576 20 over match

Team	Far From the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. C. Bateman	c Adkins b Weekes	21	(26)	3	-	2-56
2	C. T. J. Williams	b Hooper	29	(24)	4	-	1-50
3	I. Howarth	run out	9	(10)	2	-	3-65
4	G. Carter	c Weeked b Heather	4	(15)	-	-	5-86
5	J. vdG. Webster *	c D. Pratt b Thompson	10	(14)	2	-	4-86
6	D. Shorten	not out	21	(14)	3	1	-
7	M. K. Reeves	not out	23	(17)	3	-	-
8	G. J. Timms
9	D. Emerson
10	R. P. Turner
11	M. Bullock †
		NB8, W11, LB5, B1	25
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 20 overs)	142

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Adkins	3	0	15	0	5.00
2	W. Pratt	3	0	14	0	4.67
3	Weekes	3	1	11	1	3.67
4	Hooper	3	0	14	1	4.67
5	Thompson	3	0	20	1	6.67
6	Heather	2	0	18	1	9.00
7	Finn	2	0	25	0	12.50
8	Capon	1	0	9	0	9.00

Team	Porchfield CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. Capon	lbw b Timms	6		1	-	1-17
2	T. Corbin	b Timms	20		3	1	2-36
3	D. Pratt †	c Bateman b Williams	51		7	-	5-127
4	A. J. Sim	c Williams b Howarth	35		5	-	3-111
5	J. Heather	lbw b Howarth	1		-	-	4-119
6	O. Hooper *	b Williams	6		-	-	6-134
7	N. Weekes	b Williams	4		-	-	8-139
8	A. Thompson	b Williams	0		-	-	7-136
9	C. Adkins	c Bullock b Bateman	5		-	-	9-141
10	N. Finn	not out	0		-	-	-
11	W. Pratt
	Extras	NB2, W6, LB2, B3	13
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 20 overs)	141

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Turner	2	0	26	0	13.00
2	Timms	3	0	27	2	9.00
3	Emerson	3	0	8	0	2.67
4	Reeves	2	0	12	0	6.00
5	Shorten	3	0	18	0	6.00
6	Howarth	3	0	26	2	8.67
7	Williams	2	0	11	4	5.50
8	Bateman	2	0	9	1	4.50

MOTM: C. T. J. Williams Champagne Moment: G. J. Timms’ leg break wicket (T Corbin bowled) Buffet Award: R. P. Turner’s pre-Tour curry starter for twenty-two MAD Moment: I. Howarth’s throwing ball over boundary anger/rage

Opposition: V127 / 01 Ground: G114 / 01 Captain: C033 / 01 Match No: 20 / 168