“Ballgate and Banter”
Match: 23 / 607
Won by 6 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
Wootton & Bladon CC |
117 - 8 |
|
M. Rundle 3 - 10, D. Shorten
2 - 10 |
|
|
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
118 - 4 |
|
C. Williams 48, J. Cartwright 25 |
|
|
It is now just over two decades ago that The MAD first
picked up arms against our cousins from Wootton. A return leg that in 2003 (match
# 076) that was almost abandoned firstly due
to the weather, then more seriously when umpire (and patron) Tony Mander
threatened to call off the match due to an unpleasant spat between Poole Snr
and I Howarth. Now these two useless pricks are far more philosophical and
useless these days, but still able to share a darned good laugh and a genuine
loathing on the pitch (I believe its current term is ‘banter’). We can come
back to that later. With Turner still basking in the aura of still living
after ballooning twenty stone and forcing (another MAD) operational queue
jump at the JR, Howarth agreed to deputise since he’d done pretty much fuck all since getting battered at Battisford on Tour.
Time to front up and perhaps show some willing to actually play as opposed to
sitting behind a beer can giving sarcastic commentary.
With the Oxford City fast becoming a joke as regards
ill-conceived decision making at council level, his first job was to walk
half an hour up and down the now impenetrable Botley Road to collect the
day’s teas from Mr Reeves. Ian had never ventured into Mike’s house, a property
that floods year on year and is constructed to three stories so as to offset any
potential drowning for the occupants. And of course, one must mention the
crazy, uncontrollable hound that now lives there, running amok and leaping up
to draw claret by headbutting you squarely in the bib and brace. Ian’s second job involved gaining entrance to the
Brasenose pavilion with the groundsman out on safari (thank the Lord for
wives and keys). Lastly, to trade banter with a familiar opposition and then
wander out to the middle, toss a coin for no reason other than tradition, and
subsequently ask Alex Collett what he would like to do? Batting first, Wootton were initially surprised by the
alarming swing, before being even more alarmed by the prodigious seam
movement. Vermaak (7-0-18-1) and Roberts were tidy first up, but with the
added spice of irregular bounce they looked like official IPL stock. Shorten (5-1-10-2) was thrown the ball and immediately
got one to turn around the corner and hit the uprights. Wootton awe suddenly replaced
by scepticism as the ball was increasingly examined, picked about with and then finally replaced in the 28th over after the
shit had been kicked out their innings.
Hard to see
the issue with this delightful specimen? With Rundle (7-1-10-3) continuing to mount a challenge
for this year’s POTS award, he had Tall Bob to thank for pouching a simple
two-handed dobber using just the one hand (a true MAD Moment and later a
Champagne recovery if ever thus). With the pies of Timms and Hoskins finding
a mostly perfect glaze, only a late cameo from Barber (25*) rescued the
Wootton total to anything seemingly respectable (a reverse paddle off the
final ball an absolute delight). The tea interval provided the perfect interlude for
Wootton to question the ethics of both the ball and Howarth’s behaviour of only
replacing it when you could squeeze your cock between the seam.
Thankfully, most of everything else revolved about the more trivial matters
such as Corne’s twenty minute overs, the absent Steve Edwards now dating a
Page 3 model in Portsmouth, the absence of James Bateman somewhere Down
Under, Mr Timms’ seemingly bottomless bank account to fund holidays abroad,
why Mike didn’t just bring the fucking teas when he chose to rock up, a very recognisable
lack of toilet paper and of course the missing David Cameron
team photos in the pavilion. Whilst the standard of cricket on show certainly wasn’t
the best in show, and it may have even dipped a few rungs below ‘village’,
these two teams are potentially World Class when it comes to the shady art of
‘banter’. A dark medium in cricketing circles and one that is considered both
abusive and amusing in equal measure, it is a highly effective method of
distracting players from what they really should be (or know they should be)
doing.
Steve Poole.
Legend. Reasonable at mind games. Likes Howarth on the field. Case example in point: Poole Snr after seeing Webster hoik him across the line
for four. “Fuck me, that is village, mate. Jesus, you
gotta go on like that now, you can’t be blocking anything. Fucking
hideous….” Webster then does block, then does nothing to one
outside off, listens to a few more barbs, before then repeating the hoik to an
eager pair of hands at mid-wicket and leaving stage left. Embarrassing at
worst, but the realisation you’ve been talked into a total twat
of a dismissal is a dagger to one’s own dignity and pride. Jan was laterally unavailable
for comment.
Cartwright
ignores the sledging and whacks one away. Everyone loves a good wine, particularly if you’re not
allergic to a certain grape or you’re a bit of a chav and you don’t even
consider it. Mr Cartwright is exactly that, not a chav, but a very fine wine,
and here in his youthful throes of life he timed the ball as sweetly as can
be remembered. His innings of 25 and partnership with Williams (61) would
have been so many more (if not indeed gone on to win the game), save for the
ageing process that eventually haunts us all and reduced running between the
wickets. A joy to watch, Joe… particularly with the sun finally bursting
through the cloudy filth above and illuminating a lovely talent. With Shorten (4 off 2 balls) controversially refusing
to accept the Geoffball approach, and Williams’ stoic and circumstantially
gratifying knock of 48 coming to an end, Howarth moaned and grumbled his way all
the way to the crease to join his Tour roomy Rundle. There, out in the middle,
a colosseum of banter, sledging, witticisms awaited and put downs to have any
Cockney comedian purring. Mercifully, neither Ian (shirt number 99) nor Mark
(999) rose to the bait. MAD win by 6 wickets as overs dwindled.
Mr Valentine
whips his ‘offies down to Joe. Another excellent game to report on and a fully exacting
reason we continue to play this most ridiculous of sports (especially at this
level). I leave you with this text* from Ash Hambridge, a
permanent fixture of their team…. “Cracking game, the boys all really enjoyed it, as did
I of course. I was just saying to the wife, it doesn’t get much better than a
FFTMCC game, an easy drive home, a pizza and red wine, and decent golf on the
TV to watch. I did get a slightly quizzical look! PS … do we owe you some
money for teas?? The flapjack alone must be worth it??” * - Note to
Mike.
Geoff (dead
centre) analysing Geoffball integration for The MAD. ’Hippie Replacement’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far From the MCC versus Wootton &
Bladon CC Played at Brasenose College, Oxford, 20
August 2023 Wootton & Bladon CC won the toss
and elected to bat Far From the MCC won by 6 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: n/a |
23 / 607 35 over match |
|
Team |
Wootton & Bladon CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
A. Hambridge |
b Vermaak |
9 |
|
- |
- |
1-20 |
|
2 |
T. Valentine |
c Shorten b Roberts |
5 |
|
1 |
- |
2-32 |
|
3 |
T. Poole |
b Shorten |
8 |
|
- |
- |
3-34 |
|
4 |
A. Collett * |
c Roberts b Rundle |
17 |
|
1 |
- |
4-42 |
|
5 |
N. Haywood |
b Shorten |
3 |
|
- |
- |
5-63 |
|
6 |
Ruddy |
c Roberts b Rundle |
9 |
|
1 |
- |
6-70 |
|
7 |
G. Doggett † |
c & b Rundle |
5 |
|
- |
- |
7-79 |
|
8 |
J. Barber |
not out |
25 |
|
2 |
- |
8-113 |
|
9 |
W. Dale |
run out (Howarth/Roberts) |
12 |
|
- |
- |
|
|
10 |
A. Walker |
not out |
1 |
|
- |
- |
|
|
11 |
S. Poole |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
NB6, W8, LB4, B5 |
23 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for
8 wickets, 35 overs) |
117 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
|
1 |
Roberts |
6 |
0 |
25 |
1 |
4.17 |
|
|
2 |
Vermaak |
7 |
0 |
18 |
1 |
2.57 |
|
|
3 |
Shorten |
5 |
1 |
10 |
2 |
2.00 |
|
|
4 |
Timms |
6 |
1 |
26 |
0 |
4.33 |
|
|
5 |
Rundle |
7 |
1 |
10 |
3 |
1.43 |
|
|
6 |
Hoskins |
4 |
0 |
18 |
0 |
4.50 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
C. T. J. Williams |
b S.
Poole |
48 |
(82) |
5 |
- |
1-22 |
|
2 |
J. vdG. Webster |
c
unknown b S. Poole |
7 |
(15) |
1 |
- |
2-83 |
|
3 |
J. A. Cartwright |
b
Valentine |
25 |
(56) |
1 |
- |
3-92 |
|
4 |
D. Shorten |
b
Dale |
4 |
(2) |
1 |
- |
4-105 |
|
5 |
M. S. Rundle |
not
out |
10 |
(26) |
- |
- |
|
|
6 |
I. Howarth * |
not
out |
11 |
(14) |
1 |
- |
|
|
7 |
G. J. Timms |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
8 |
J. D. Hoskins |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
C. D. Roberts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
C. J. Vermaak |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
J. C. W. Hotson † |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
|
13 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for
4 wickets, 32 overs) |
118 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
|
1 |
S. Poole |
6 |
0 |
23 |
2 |
3.83 |
|
|
2 |
Walker |
7 |
2 |
27 |
0 |
3.86 |
|
|
3 |
Valentine |
7 |
0 |
23 |
1 |
3.29 |
|
|
4 |
T. Poole |
6 |
0 |
21 |
0 |
3.50 |
|
|
5 |
Dale |
6 |
0 |
18 |
1 |
3.00 |
|
|
MOTM: M. S. Rundle Champagne Moment: D. Shorten’s huge
inswinging, seaming miracle ball Buffet Award: J. D. Hoskins’ gluten free Hawaiian pizza surprise (extra cheese) MAD
Moment: C. D. Roberts’ one-handed
catch low down off a ball hit straight to both his hands at mid on at a comfortable height |
Opposition:
V025 / 038 Ground: G040 / 104 Captain: C007 / 076 Match No: 35 / 225 |