“Match Marred by Hadfield Meltdown”

Match: 23 / 597

Lost by 15 runs

Team	Total
Lemmings	177 - 2
A. Darley 1 - 32, G. Timms 1 - 44
FFTMCC	165 - 8
R. Hadfield 41, C. Williams 39

On a day where a Lords crowd were enthralled by an ultimately futile Ashes run-chase, a slightly less boisterous crowd puddle of spectators were watching The MAD pull up short in solidarity. Whilst Stokes rained sixes on St John’s Wood, Mr Hadfield was busy raining blood and crystal shards at Brasenose. It was a Sunday for the Drama Queen, a stage to perform uninhibited to an audience lapping up every tantalising, intoxicating moment. Memories to cherish in our dotage.

The Lems 2023 (with R Fitt out of picture doing something else).

Matches against the Lemming stretch back to when Oxford City Centre had a famed music scene, and you could also journey from one side of the famed municipal to the other in less than four days. There have been thrashings, beatings and heavy losses dealt out to The MAD, and of course the odd game where they simply just lost. But there was also that match where the nine men of the Lemmings were refused an extra fielder in sweltering heat and ended up on the wrong side of a bitter, distasteful defeat. Their only defeat. A match ‘Pies’ Williams and James Baker remember fondly and are most complimentary when speaking of Howarth’s captaincy on that fateful Sunday.

Since recent pandemical-times, the two teams have enjoyed a much more even contest, particularly when The MAD haven’t been shit, though the eyes of Messrs Williams and Baker have thinned somewhat and there is a twinge of unease whenever “that” match is mentioned. On this day, Skipper Turner won the toss and had little hesitation in having a bowl, in lieu of Lemming talisman S. Wood being absent. Simon having far better things to do in his spare time than make the effort to travel and turn out with his mates.

Hadfield (with bat) discusses peace, love and harmony and gentle language in front of minors.

Darley and Howarth were decent first up, having the ball wobble about and do the odd thing when it wasn’t smacking the centre of a bat. It would be the former who made the breakthrough with Ainsworth taking a great catch down leg to have Hull go for just 1. Thereafter, not a great deal happened as Hukins (53) and Williams Snr bedded in for the drink’s interval, with the score on we’re not quite sure as it wasn’t fucking recorded. Using advanced mathematical algorithms and the detailed bowling analysis, we would calculate it to have been somewhere in the mid 70s.

Vermaak (6-0-29-0) was pleasingly on song on resumption, Reeves (4-2-20-0) less so, but since he provides the teas and collects the monies he is allowed to bowl some shite. The Lemming 2nd wicket partnership of an unknown amount but thought close to a ton, was finally snapped by a good ball from Timms (6-0-44-1) and even if it wasn’t a good ball, it was a champagne piece of wicketkeeping (Ainsworth again the executor and not Geoff).

Mr Darley (7-1-32-1) would later be quoted as saying “things all got a bit biffy towards the end” (and they most certainly did) with Williams (102*) going through the gears to celebrate his accolade with his young boy at the other end. Howarth (7-1-34-0) also came back from some tap and “Pies” didn’t enjoy that one iota, and nor did he get hot and bothered by the six he smoked over the scoreboard. Tea and the Lemmings score would be revised to 177 (from 176) as people struggle with basic maths.

A family affair.

The match finally got underway after an hour of dithering, umpire selection and deselection, another plate of sandwiches and organising an impromptu kick-a-bout with a bunch of Lemming kids and young Blake. M Baker (7-1-42-0) was sensational first up but saw two edges spilled on the floor, and P Baker mesmeric with inswinging figures of 7-3-8-0. But… the FFTMCC total remained wicketless, or at least it would have until “our” Williams (39) slapped a ball onto R. Fitt’s ankle, up into his knackers and then, somehow, finished in his hands as he bundled forwards onto the floor. 64-1. It was nonetheless an excellent reply and with Hadfield well set the omens looked good.

…or at least they did until Richard (41) suffered a minor cognitive meltdown. Firstly, he saw an extra run following a direct hit which would’ve required Webster turning blind and making the 29 yards to the other end (the ball adjacent to the stumps I might add) and was subsequently run out. Secondly, in trying to make his ground he smashed his elbow and scabs and bled out all over the wicket. Thirdly, he let off a tirade of foul language in the proximity of an 11-year-old (young Williams), and last, but not least, saw fit to take his anger out on a crystal jug in the pavilion* (requiring substantial clean up).

Turner traipses off to watch his team make an arse of the run-chase.

Despite The MAD boasting a strong batting line-up (on paper), the run rate would begin to climb appreciably, with wickets being lost on a regular basis chasing the game. Webster (12) fell foul to a wonder catch on the boundary (Hull one-handed), Pearson (9) nicked behind and two further run outs (Turner 3, Darley 23) all contributed to the malaise. Mike (14) swatted a few at the death and Lee (3) sacrificed himself to the cause, before Howarth (7*) and Vermaak (2*) saw off J Baker’s final overs to protect their averages. MAD ultimately 15 runs short of their target. That would equate to four boundaries …or …it would equate to two Ben Stokes’ maximums plus another boundary. Whatever. We lost. Bugger.

I have to report an excellent spirit both on and off the field throughout, and it was lovely to catch up with one of our oldest adversaries. The best team obviously lost on this occasion and there was no fairy tale to be written, but neither was one granted at Lords either. Regardless of results, a fine day out for all concerned in both Oxford and Greater London.

* - No artistic licence required as this was reported on social media.

’Treacle’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far From the MCC versus Lemmings Played at Brasenose College, 2 July 2023 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Lemmings won by 15 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

23 / 597 35 over match

Team	Lemmings
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Hukins	c Ainsworth b Timms	53		8	-	1-5
2	J. Hull	c Ainsworth b Darley	1		-	-	2-98
3	P. M. Williams †	not out	102		16	1
4	S. Williams	not out	10		1	-
5	R. Fitt
6	R. J. Baker
7	M. Baker
8	J. Nelson
9	P. T. Baker
10	T. A. Baker
11	J. W. Baker *
	Extras	W3, LB6, B2	11
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 35 overs)	177

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Darley	7	1	32	1	4.57
2	Howarth	7	1	34	0	4.86
3	Vermaak	6	0	29	0	4.83
4	Reeves	4	2	20	0	5.00
5	Timms	6	0	44	1	7.33
6	Pearson	4	0	9	0	2.25

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	C. T. J. Williams	c Fitt b Hukins	39	(50)	6	-	1-64
2	R. J. T. Hadfield	run out	41	(56)	5	-	2-89
3	J. vdG. Webster	c Hull b Hukins	12	(25)	1	-	3-98
4	R. P. Turner *	run out	3	(12)	-	-	4-104
5	J. W. Pearson	c Nelson b J. Baker	9	(11)	-	-	5-114
6	A. Darley	run out	23	(18)	3	-	6-139
7	M. K. Reeves	c Hull b J. Baker	15	(18)	1	-	7-143
8	L. G. Ainsworth †	b Hukins	3	(8)	-	-	8-153
9	I. Howarth	not out	7	(7)	1	-
10	C. J. Vermaak	not out	2	(7)	-	-
11	G. J. Timms
	Extras	NB2, W1, LB5	8
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 35 overs)	162

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	M. Baker	7	1	42	0	6.00
2	P. Baker	7	3	8	0	1.14
3	Hull	2	0	23	0	11.50
4	Hukins	7	2	20	3	2.86
5	S. Williams	5	0	29	0	5.80
6	J. Baker	7	0	35	2	5.00

MOTM: A. Darley Champagne Moment: L. G. Ainsworth’s smart catch behind off Mr Timms (Hukins) Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ Glastonbury leftover hamper (mouldy chips side) MAD Moment: R. J. T. Hadfield’s quad of disgrace involving a run out, bloodletting, swearing in front of a 11 year old and trashing the pavilion….

Opposition: V024 / 018 Ground: G040 / 100 Captain: C024 / 075 Match No: 35 / 222