“I Hadn’t Seen Her Naked

Until I Was Playing Cricket Dressed as Captain America”

Match: 24 / 631

Lost by 90 runs

Team	Total
Porlock CC	178 - 3
J. Hoskins 2 - 32
FFTMCC	88 - 8
I. Howarth 14

Instead of the river Seine it was the Bristol Channel (not a £7.99 a month subscription service). Instead of Le Golf National it was the Beach Café & Crazy Golf in Minehead. Somerset Darts replaced Archery. Piss off Basketball, Beach (or otherwise) Volleyball, Soccer, Rugger Sevens, or any other ball sport – Pétanque is where it’s at. The sailing in Marseille struggled with a lack of wind. There were, much to young Blake’s amusement, no such issues on the North Somerset coast. Why physically exert yourself when you can compete with a pint or six on the go whilst regularly being able to sit down?!? Actually, that’s also cricket.

With time to kill ahead of Friday’s 6pm start vs Porlock CC, and with a full Saturday off, The MAD Olympics was to begin in earnest at 11:00am on Friday. They may have failed to bring in the crowds of the rival event being run concurrently over the English Channel, but the competition was fierce. Even surprisingly decent in places. The opening ceremony the night before had been a riotous affair, culminating in half naked frolicking in a Wetherspoons Rose wine fountain. I think. Maybe that was in Paris thinking about it.

The CGA (Crazy Golf Association) always set up the Beach Café course to be tricky. This year was no different. Because it hadn’t changed one bit in 5 years. The flag positions, just behind the actual hole, made it even harder. It’s the sort of course where you can’t win it on the first but you sure can lose it, right Lee? Mike’s arrogantly celebrated ace did prove that you can’t win it on the first. Russ was the bookies favourite, despite not being able to hold a putter correctly, and with points available for JMO’s Tour Prediction Game, a kind of hush hung over the proceedings.

My nerves jangled as I held the early clubhouse lead with a commendable 23, whilst others told tales of one or two holes scuppering the chance they never had. Although Mike apparently hit 25, it was later revealed to be 41. (After some heavy editing). After a tidy round JMO tee’d off at the last knowing a two would be enough for the Beach Café Invitational crown. I mean, who cares whether he really won?!? W&^ker.

The Tour party split at this juncture with some walking the seaside promenade. Many followed Chairman Matt to the Kildare Lodge despite it sounding particularly Margaret Catchpoley. Fears were allayed (ignored) upon seeing the price list – which tapped out around £4.40. They were giving it away. They were also throwing it away, much to Spam’s chagrin. Or inane grin. After an hour or so, someone spied the Pétanque ‘terrain’ and shortly after the metal boules arrived. I sensed we’d be here some time.

Skipper for the day JMO sorted out the format whilst the rest of us made childish boule related puns. ‘A bad workman never blames his boules’. Moonraker Russ showed a little more than one would have liked whilst tending to the arena. For Your Eyes Only indeed, Psycho. I somehow scraped through as winner of the first heat, Nuno was more incisive in his, whilst Lucan clearly has a Masters in Pétanque from his time at ‘school’. Spam was more interested in seeking out the Metal Heads. There was no repechage. Thank Christ.

Favourite Lucan, in stripy shirt and beret, started well in the final with his trademark accuracy. A tense, high quality encounter was brought to a relatively swift end with a win for the unfancied wild card. Smiley face emoji. Whilst drinks were finished a game of Poo Head saw Lucan looking merde as Spam, Russ, and Matt tossed a coin about the garden. They were useless at that too. Probably about time to head back and pick up kit. Although there was just enough time for a bite to eat whilst Lucan told tales of streakers and whores and Russ’ flatulence amused young Blake. Only young Blake.

Chairdude cracks one through the covers.

A hastily rearranged game (top work, Russ) saw The MAD taxi to Carhampton to play Porlock CC. Missing out would be Lucan, Lee, Joe, Nuno, and Geoff. A fair bit of batting there. And Geoff. The MAD disgraced themselves at keepy-uppys, managing a maximum of 12, then took to the pitch to disgrace themselves further. It’s not that I don’t remember what happened in the game, it’s just that calling it a game would be stretching things. Let’s call it a mismatch. Hard luck JMO, not much you could have done. Oh, I hosted a quiz before the game. Russ and Spam won it. No one knew who Shorten was. Even himself.

Turner stares at a pink ball.

The cunning disguised gateway to get the ball which Mr Shorten failed to see (see MAD Moment).

A series of batters came and went, mostly retiring out, with Porlock amassing 184 off their 20 as 478 balls were lost in adjacent fields and gardens. Champagne JMO snaffled a couple and I joked of feigning injury after a wicket with my first ball. One buffet award later suggested I should have. A couple of lusty blows from openers Bateman (9) and Shorten (12) left The MAD ahead of the rate after one over. Would have been good if it was raining and we could stop. Which it was. But we didn’t. Spam top scored with 14 and Bullock (11*) took home some credit. Not much else happened.

There was far more action on the sidelines where Ainsworth was chuntering at anyone and everyone in spitting distance. Which was anyone and everyone, such was the ferocity of the bile. The game was at least a swift one, so we had plenty of time to get to the Quay Inn for the pre booked game of Somerset Darts. Well, as the Italians say, when in Minehead. Psycho piled into a taxi with Covid Bob. A decision he’d later regret. Kudos to Bob for playing at all though. Sorry your Tour was a bit naff fella. Next time.

The moaning and chuntering gallery.

A Somerset Darts scorecard looks confusing, and the rules seem so, but they aren’t. In full on Chairman mode, Matt was not tolerating any tardiness at the oche. Not even from Jake. Lee mellowed out by spending £30 on Jukebox Enya bangers. My wife arrived with my dog. Honest. She then swiftly left again with me in competition mode. A tight game, the rules dictate so, came down to who could hit an inner or outer bull. Double smiley face emoji. Only JMO’s golfing prowess and stone-cold nerves denied me the clean sweep for the day. I’m now sounding like Spam. Me me me. Anyway, Saturday…

Saturday was a day off and The MAD split into a few distinct factions. I went with my wife, dog, Lee, and Blake to the lovely Lynton & Lynmouth. We went down in the funicular and walked back up, obvs. Joe, Mike, Lucan, and Lego would end up there as well, via the Valley of the Rocks. I perved on them playing Putt and Putt, clearly jealous. Geoff and Matt would also pop into L&L on their open bus tour that took in the delights of Porlock as well. Bob hopped on a bus to Taunton to get a train to Didcot, infecting half of Somerset as he went. Sad face emoji. That just left the usual reprobates to hang in Minehead and throw stones at cans on the beach. It was such thirsty work that JMO was gagging for a glass of tap water. Not in Minehead you ^&*^, not in Minehead. Spam found more Metal Heads.

The MAD would eventually become whole again at the Taj Mahal. No, not that one Blake, maaaaaaaaaaate. Spam let us all try his gasoline doused curry. Matt drew on Bateman’s arm to tally how often our antipodean wanderer uttered that dreaded Aussie word. Jake was refused beer on account of his large glass of Malbec. Spam entered the kitchen trying to find the pisser. Lee tried to make everyone drink far more to get the bill towards the £1,000 he’d guessed on JMO’s game. From memory it was about £640 odd. Close. Russ ate everything. All pretty standard really.

Curry house team draw for Monday.

And so Saturday came to an end. Although, it would be remiss of me not to mention I won another game of Somerset Darts before said curry. Joe was so upset that I’d won again that I saw him trying to swim ‘home’ to Wales the next morning. A genuinely cracking few days of Tour, only spoiled by a game of cricket. You can’t win ‘em all. Thank you to Porlock for entertaining us and getting the tinnies in. Surely a win would come on Sunday….

’P. Aris’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far From the MCC versus Porlock CC Played at Carhampton, 2 August 2024 Porlock CC won the toss and elected to bat Porlock CC won by 90 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

24 / 631 20 over match

Team	Porlock CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	E. Binding *	lbw b Hoskins	24		3	1	1-38
2	J. Murch	b Hoskins	24		2	1	2-89
3	B. Pursey	retired	30		2	1	3-101
4	K. Lewis	b Timms	18		2	-
5	I. Buchanan	retired	30		3	2
6	D. Westcott	retired	30		2	3
7	N. Windsor	not out	13		2	-
8	P. Murch	not out	3		-	-
9	unknown †
10	D. Godfraud
11	Barraclough
	Extras	W5, LB1	6
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 20 overs)	178

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Roberts	2	0	22	0	11.00
2	Howarth	2	0	15	0	7.50
3	Hoskins	4	0	32	2	8.00
4	Reeves	2	0	13	0	6.50
5	Rundle	2	0	18	0	9.00
6	Timms	2	0	30	1	15.00
7	Bullock	2	0	28	0	14.00
8	Shorten	2	1	8	0	4.00
9	Turner	2	0	17	0	8.50

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. C. Bateman	c unknown b Barraclough	9	(9)	1	-	1-20
2	D. Shorten	c unknown b Buchanan	12	(13)	2	-	2-24
3	I. Howarth	c Barraclough b	14	(17)	2	-	3-35
4	M. S. Rundle	b Pursey	1	(6)	-	-	4-36
5	C. D. Roberts	b J. Murch	0	(3)	-	-	5-43
6	J. D. Hoskins *	b Godfraud	9	(15)	-	-	6-58
7	G. J. Timms	b Barraclough	7	(12)	-	-	7-60
8	M. Bullock	not out	10	(18)	-	-	8-67
9	M. K. Reeves	b Lewis	1	(10)	-	-
10	R. P. Turner	not out	9	(19)	-	-
11	J. C. W. Hotson †
	Extras	NB2, W5, LB4, B5	17
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 20 overs)	88

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	P. Murch	2	0	21	0	10.50
2	Godfraud	2	0	6	1	3.00
3	Barraclough	2	0	3	2	1.50
4	Buchanan	2	0	5	1	2.50
5	Lewis	2	0	10	1	5.00
6	Pursey	2	0	4	1	2.00
7	J. Murch	2	0	5	1	2.50
8	Binding	2	0	5	0	2.50
9	Westcott	2	0	9	1	4.50
10	Windsor	2	0	14	0	7.00

MOTM: J. D. Hoskins Champagne Moment: J. D. Hoskins’ bowling of J. Murch Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ West Country pasties (extra meat filling) MAD Moment: D. Shorten somehow walking past an open gate on the boundary to then clamber over a fence to retrieve the ball

Opposition: V134 / 001 Ground: G108 / 001 Captain: C006 / 044 Match No: 20 / 189