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2014 Fines Summary

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April

Only one match was possible in April due to the inclement weather, with the match against Horspath being the sole survivor. Alas, a turbulent year for the Fines Chairman Mr. Mellor, saw the notes in his jeans pocket being given a spin in his washing machine at home…. Judging from the scorecards, Mr. Pearson and Paddy himself saw fines for ducks, whilst debutant Mr. Sanders was fined for ‘opening bowler no wicket’ and being South African. Fairs fair in love and war.

Paddy (left) keeps an eye out for indiscretion….

May

The month of May featured some cricket, which was nice, however a turbulent year for the Fines Chairman Mr. Mellor, had many of his scribblings and work consigned to somewhere ‘lost’. They may have ended up in his washing machine, or re-used to wipe his arse, but whatever, we have notes from the trip to Harwell CC. Here, Dave Emerson vandalised a croquet area by pushing a sightscreen a across it – and also delighted in any of his brother Danial’s failings. Psycho was largely shit at everything he did – which wasn’t very much in all honesty; whilst Mr. Reeves ‘deliberately’ dropped a catch off his nemesis, and fellow ex-Marboroughite, Mark Shelley.

Mike (right) hates any potential achievements Mark Shelley may have.

Mr. Shorten outstripped everyone in accrued costs by declaring the team “fucking useless” and whoring his lemon drizzle cake out [only Lego]. Elsewhere, Thorn’s reluctant non-travel to Spain was noted [imitating Gonzo’s non-travel to Canada]; and Geoff’s dissent into schizophrenia continued as with his failure to bring his twin brother George to the match [who didn’t exist].

June

Into June and blissfully warm and dry weather, but further turmoil sees notes from Chairman Paddy’s kangaroo court sessions end up the way of the washing machine. Surviving the soaking were minutes from the trip to adjacent Queens College ground [v Isis CC], where Mr. Pearson’s heroics with the bat were quickly forgotten as he exhibited extreme smugness, a premature hundred celebration and a total unwillingness to buy a celebratory jug of beer [for said hundred]. JMO bitched throughout fines, scowled and muttered under his breath – whilst blaming the team for his own shortfalls.

Food for thought after Isis away netted nearly £50 in fines….

Elsewhere, Salad copped a ball to the face and found himself taxed for impersonating Carl Froch, being goofy [with said mouth injury] and wincing like a pansy. Meanwhile, Russ couldn’t catch a cold and got levied for his appalling and now infamous ‘Fixture Cards’; and Spam mumbled like a spastic, picked on Psycho and threatened Salad with a freeze spray. Bob batted out of position on this day – running himself out in due course.

Memories of the home victory against Enstone CC were of Howarth bringing the club into disrepute with a disgraceful bat throwing incident – and Mr. Turner being taxed for using deaf aid and running out the aforementioned Captain. Elsewhere, the rest of the team were fined for duck avoidance….

July

The great weather continued into summer where Paddy continued to lose the majority of his fines related scribbles. He took a wedge of cash in Bloxham after The Mad recorded their first ever win against Milton CC. Here, jaded memories recall Homer being fined for triggering Howarth; Timms heavily taxed for a duck and a bout of hypochondria (the straining of his arse muscles); and Mr. Mellor caned for running himself out for the umpteenth time in his Mad career….

Thalidomide urination….

Surviving notes when welcoming the Fat Boys to Brasenose College consisted of Moo’s instigation of the team’s collapse; Mike’s bitching about being overly tired whilst enduring an organ failure; and Stevie D impersonating a neo-Nazi with his new skinhead look. That said, it could be that the neo-Nazis are impersonating Steve. Elsewhere, Salad got bummed [his bowling] and continued to entertain sexual connotations regarding Timms’ missus. Jake would be confused throughout the day and Pearson ran his mouth off about his parents [leaving early and not watching him bat].

Tour (August)

Tour… and WHAT a Tour it was. Amazeballs. Fantastico. Cosmic. There aren’t words in existence that could possibly describe the most brilliantly realised Mad expedition in the Club’s short lifespan…. Conversely, Chairman Mellor saw fit to carefully stow his Wroxeter CC fines notes with Giant Duck – and due to their survival, here is the show reel….

Starting with himself, Paddy blasphemed Mr. Darley for “doing fuck all to help organise the Tour”, before self-pity enveloped him due to sitting the game out. Stevie D was hung for bullying both Gerald Carter [another of Geoff’s schizophrenic brothers] and Mr. Reeves – he also showboated when batting and then exhibited threatening behaviour throughout [despite being Skipper]. Geoff [related to Gerald] was taxed for being “shit in the field” and older than Homer, he also registered the longest over [minutes] in Mad history due to being spanked into nearby f______ T______.

Gerald amazes all by being able to walk at the grand old age of 85….

Mr. Reeves was fined for jug avoidance [non fifty] and bullying a ‘Ginger’ [some Wroxeter lad] by slapping him about, whilst Spam gloated about his bowling and then argued with Steve about being taken off. Further fines involved slagging Thorn off, extensive moaning and batting avoidance. Homer ate most of the buffet on offer [post match] and was taxed for ‘sausage abuse’ – Russ also got levied for ‘pimping his missus out’?! His quiz failure was noted along with that of Mr. Rundle, who nobody understanding the latter wearing a sweater in summer. Psycho found everything hysterical, threatened everyone with “a fucking punch in the pace” and ended up “playing with himself….”

Elsewhere, Moo sported a gimp mask whilst missing stumpings, moaned like fuck and was solely focussed on his Fantasy Team. JMO resembled a hobo whilst scoring, ignored his camerawork and was largely disinterested and harboured a cob; whilst Jake charged a England (youth) spinner whilst trying to ‘impersonate a batsman’. Mr. Hotson was also referenced for texting abuse to Mr. Darley [absent], sending a grovelling apology (thereafter), and making no sense whatsoever after 1am…. ‘Being up @ obscene hours” was his last misdemeanour.

Finally, wrapping things up, we found Thorn impersonating Jonathan Trott with his epic 7* off 28 balls, which was accompanied by eyesight failure, ball dodging, playing for himself, and ultimately losing The MAD the match. He also accepted congratulations for nudging a single. Mr. Bullock avoided a hat-trick whilst having ‘no goals in life’; and Mr. Timms came under the spotlight as he registered a golden, pimped his wife out to Salad and was envious of anyone who scored a run.

The overall income from the Fines Committee was somewhere above £60, but not more than one million.

August

Tragically, and inexcusably, the notes concerning any fines money generated in the month of August were once again sadly lost in Mr. Mellor’s washing machine. Fortunately, or maybe not, Spam deputised at Astons CC and found Mr. Timms distancing himself from the Fines Committee after bullying Ralph [he hit him]. Bob was unusually animated on the field throwing several out-of-character cobs whilst making JMO appear shorter when ‘batting with him’. JMO and Thorn had arrived late for the match, with the latter grumbling throughout the day and being ignorant of the hot weather conditions (hat avoidance).

Congratulations on being almost as tall as, er… Tall Bob.

Elsewhere, Salad flaunted his wealth by ‘getting out his credit card at the bar’; whilst Homer resembled an ‘Alzheimer’s patient’ whilst generally being ‘shit’ – but not as ‘shit’ as Spam (duck, drop etc). Moo allowed Steve to bully the gloves off him whilst registering another Mad duck; and Mr. Pearson was levied for finishing 98 runs shy of a PB. It was his entire fault we lost the match – obviously.

September

Only 1 game was played in September, and whilst nobody could be arsed to hold a Fines Committee after the (Isis CC) game in Stanton St. John, the team did rediscover their much-lauded kitbag….

Summation

Another season of decent fines revenue to warm the Treasurer’s heart, and despite Chairman Mellor’s filing slackness, he [and others] deserve praise for the contributions towards Club coffers. There were rumbles of discontent concerning the use of the 90 second ruling as the season came to a finale – with these grievances discussed and addressed at the AGM.

‘Giant Duck (in absence of Paddy)’

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Special Rates

Indiscretion	Cost
Duck	£0.50
Golden Duck	£1.00
Diamond or Platinum Duck	£2.00
Out Playing Reverse-sweep / Switch-hit	£1.00
Dropped Catch	£0.50
Opening Bowler No Wicket	£0.50
Opening Partnership Avoidance	£0.50
Smoking on the Pitch	£0.50
Drinking on the Pitch	£0.50
Missed Stumping	£0.50
Missed Run-Out	£0.50
Fines' Folder Abuse	£0.50
Impersonating Billy Liar	£0.50
Having a Major Cob	£0.50
Having a Parkinson’s Cob (utter meltdown)	£1.00
Insulting the Fines Committee Chairman	£0.50
Insolvency / Unemployment (maximum limit) Known as the “Dobner Clause”	£1.00
Swearing in Front of Kids	£2.50
Bringing the Club into Disrepute (Ruled on by the Captain)	£5.00
Dissent (to On-field Umpires)	£5.00
Mongoose Multiplier (out using Goose)	x2