“World Health Organisation Contacted After MAD are Poisoned during Drinks-Break”

‘P. Townsend’

“World Health Organisation Contacted

After MAD are Poisoned during Drinks-Break”

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Match: 06 / 123

Lost by 9 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	108
I. Howarth 47, S. Parkinson 39

Milton CC	112 - 3
M. Reeves 1 - 16

Roger Harry Daltrey CBE, founder and lead singer of rock group The Who, was somewhat bemused to have his butler disturb his dinner party with a phone call from Mad cricketing legend, J. Hotson. He was further bemused when asked whether his “organisation” dealt with suspected cases of underhand poisoning at friendly cricket matches. Realising the blunder, Roger was to direct Mr. Hotson in the direction of the World Health Organisation (WHO) to pursue his concerns into any wrongdoings.

We can’t use Roger Daltrey’s image, so here is a MOD Lambretta.

The concerns had arisen after a mid-innings drink break during a match played out between the centrally based Oxford outfit, the Far From The MCC, and north Oxford cricket outfit, Milton CC. After establishing a quite commanding position of 95-1, not out batsmen I. Howarth and S. Parkinson slaked their thirst on watered down orange juice procured from a large white barrel under a wooden table. It tasted okay, and it was guzzled most readily. There was even enough to go round for the remainder of the team, who were slowly melting in the mid-June heat as they watched the game unfold. And that’s pretty much when things went completely tits up! So dramatic were events thereafter the break, that players and spectators alike demanded the intervention of the WHO to try and clear up just what was in that orange juice. And just what the hell had happened….

As we go to press, the WHO have failed to find any positive results during initial tests, although the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) Department have been notified and are carrying out further checks in the hope of providing some explanation for such an inexplicable cricketing implosion.

M. Reeves would actually bat on this day (for a few minutes anyway).

Let’s rewind the day….

After winning the toss on such a glorious day, it came as no surprise to see Skipper I. Howarth, elect to bat first on what looked like a decent, if brownish strip of earth on a nicely cut field. Another mitigating factor in his decision to bat first, was the fact that most the team had been on the piss throughout the day before whilst lending support to the national football team. So a good toss to win, and a bad toss to lose. Or at least that is how it looked for over an hour….

There was plenty to muse over as the day progressed.

J. Hotson, in the unaccustomed, but not entirely alien role of opener, bisected the slips on his way to an enterprising 4 before becoming the latest victim of I. Howarth’s lack of running expertise. It was a shocking call, evoking memories of any one of the other calamitous run outs involving the skipper. Hotson, looking every inch like Eric Clapton, smashed his guitar in half, sang a few lewd verses, and departed stage left. 6 for 1. There then followed a serene passage of play that would seem to usher The MAD into a seemingly impregnable position. In a little under 20 overs, Howarth and S. Parkinson saw off the opening bowlers and started cashing in on an increasing number of loose balls to move the score along at nearly five an over. Drives, cuts, pulls, hoiks – it all looked so very manageable and extremely inevitable. So much so, a deflated Milton appeared to have resigned themselves to chasing 200 plus when it came to their turn to bat.

J. Hotson opted to umpire after his skipper ran him out.

Drinks break.

And then “it” happened….

And just what happened shortly after can only be described as unbelievable. In fact, nobody who bore witness that day could quite fathom just how it did happen – but happen it did. With the score on 99 for 1, Howarth (47) mistimed a pull shot and left the field cursing his inability to push on to greater things. M. Westmoreland came and went for a golden duck, and S. Parkinson (39), added to the drama by dollying a catch up to a waiting mid-on. 99 for 4. Things then got even worse as M. Bullock (3) and T. Smith (3) were caught square of the wicket, and A. Cavanagh was castled for a duck. M. Reeves (2) would furtherly compound matters by running himself out, and with debutant A. Small and J. Hoskins contributing further ticks to the duck column, it all left an utterly perplexed, A. Mann, left stranded at the non-strikers end on 0 not out….

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S. Parkinson (39) departs to add to the quite terrible MAD collapse.

108 all out.

9 wickets had fallen for 9 runs in the space of 9 overs after The MAD had stood on 99 for 1. It was THE collapse to end ALL collapses. Foul play was immediately suspected, naturally – just what was in that orange juice? But whatever it was, the Milton side seemed immune. In a little over 14 overs, openers G. Wilby (73*) and R. Lambdon (36) plundered The MAD bowling to all parts, in a partnership worth 93. It was only a token catch by Mr. Parkinson off the bowling of Reeves (2-0-18-1) that prevented a pitiful 10 wicket defeat….

What a truly bizarre turnaround. The MAD left the ground in a state of shock, as did their erstwhile opponents – who like everyone else, thought “what the fuck!?”

Milton struggle to comprehend just what has happened….

LATEST: the World Health Organisation have just confirmed that samples taken from the orange juice provided by Milton CC on the 11^th of June, provided no traces of any sources which may have led to the aforementioned batting fiasco. Indeed, a spokesperson for the organisation, M. Spores, was quoted as saying “we are unable to find any signs of poisoning, and must therefore come to the conclusion that maybe the Far From The MCC were just utter shit on this particular day?”

Quote of the Day: “Don’t let him make you his bitch!” A. Cavanagh, in response to J. Hoskins being spanked over his head for yet another boundary by the rampaging J. Wilby.

Westmoreland

Far from the MCC versus Milton CC

Played at Bloxham, 11 June 2006

Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat

Milton CC won by 9 wkts

Far from the MCC debuts: Adrian Small (95)

06 / 123

40 over match

Team	Far from the MCC

#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth *	c Smith b Wilby	47	(66)	9	-	2-99
2	J. C. W. Hotson	run out	4	(4)	-	-	1-6
3	S. B. Parkinson	c Smith b Robinson	39	(64)	7	-	4-99
4	M. T. Westmoreland	b Wilby	0	(1)	-	-	3-99
5	M. Bullock +	c Kinch b Robinson	3	(10)	-	-	5-102
6	T. P. W. Smith	c Lambdon b Fletcher	3	(16)	-	-	9-108
7	A. Cavanagh	b Wilby	0	(4)	-	-	6-102
8	M. K. Reeves	run out	2	(10)	-	-	7-104
9	A. Small	b Wilby	0	(2)	-	-	8-104
10	J. D. Hoskins	b Fletcher	0	(9)	-	-	10-108
11	A. G. Mann	not out	0	(0)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB2, W6, LB1, B1)	10
	TOTAL	(all out, 30.5 overs)	108

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Smith	8	3	23	0
2	C. Houseman	4	0	23	0
3	Kinch	5	0	33	0
4	Robinson	5	2	19	2
5	Wilby	6	3	4	4
6	Fletcher	2.5	0	4	2

Team	Milton CC

#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Wilby *	not out	73		10	2	-
2	R. Lambdon	c Parkinson b Reeves	36		6	-	1-93
3	L. Houseman	not out	2		-	-	-
4	G. Bedward +
5	N. Lester
6	D. Smith
7	C. Houseman
8	W. Fletcher
9	C. Kinch
10	Robinson
11
	Extras	(LB1)	1
	TOTAL	(for 1 wicket, 17 overs)	112

MOTM: S. B. Parkinson

Champagne Moment: S. B. Parkinson’s fine catch at square leg

Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ chocolate puddings

Opposition: V040 / 01

Ground: G029 / 01

Captain: C007 / 10

Match Fines