“Twinkle Embezzles The MAD

As the Mongoose has it’s Day”

Match: 10 / 194

Lost by 33 runs

Team	Total
Nomads CC	203 - 9
S. Dobner 3 - 20, M. Westmoreland 3 - 39
FFTMCC	170
D. Edwards 33, J. Hoskins 32

With Brasenose College being unavailable due to the early season nature of this home fixture, the Far from the MCC arranged the game at one of their favourite old stomping grounds. Cutteslowe Park top pitch, albeit a council property, has always sneered at Oxford’s other ‘bookable’ grounds. It’s carefully mowed outfield, it’s well prepared tracks, and reasonably maintained changing rooms are in stark contrast to some of the ruinous, chav-infested shitholes the team have had to frequent in the past. Think Cowley Marshes, think war-torn Beirut. And Horspath recreation ground? Sigh… think some cold, barren wilderness in the middle of fucking nowhere, with tumbleweed wafting past you as you stand on an undistinguishable boundary line with your hands thrust down the trouser pockets. Yep, as far as council pitches go, Cutteslowe is Premier League.

“In, out, in, out – wish the sun would make its bloody mind up!”

Indifferent weather during the week had led a few of the more pessimistic team members to wonder if they would actually see any cricket this one weekend. But on the day it was dry, with the occasional burst of sunshine seeing players discarding their sweaters so their ample guts could soak up some vitamin D.

With M. Westmoreland’s proud record of tossing going by the wayside, The MAD were subsequently invited to chase some leather. However things were delayed initially due to a core of the fielding team awaiting delivery of full-English takeaways from a local pub. Due to his poor timekeeping, J. Hotson [surprise] was stripped of wicketkeeping duties and left out on the boundary to graze – a vantage point from where he watched his deputy, I. Howarth, snaffle a couple behind off bowlers D. Emerson and S. Dobner. They were routine edges and routine catches, but if you arrive routinely on time, you get the routine pleasure of pouching the fucking things routinely yourself. Jake would later defend himself at the Fines Committee, citing his late arrival was completely down to his compatriots I. Leggate and D. Edwards – but with a history blighted by lateness, his defence was thrown out and he was duly hammered.

“Haha – Jake copped the bollocking for this lot!”

H. Alleyne (63) would prove the bedrock around which the Nomads constructed their innings. The opener, casually laid back in his approach, held up both Emerson (8-1-32-1) and D. Shorten, before helping himself to the buffet from a strangely off-colour J. Hoskins (6-0-47-0). His innings only came to an end when he skied one in the deep off skipper Westmoreland. Howarth, having swapped gloves only minutes previous, hung on as he sprawled by the boundary edge – his shock of delight only matched by that of his teammates, witness to him diving out the way of a similar shot a few balls earlier.

126-4 quickly became 130-6, as both Westmoreland (6-0-39-3) and Dobner (8-1-20-3) bowled beautifully in tandem. Quite where Martin has found his rhythm is anyone’s guess, the plague of yips that has blighted previous years now a think of the past [and hopefully to remain there]. He is still a hypochondriac however – and to underline this fact he fractured a finger stopping a bump ball a few overs later. With this incident, the doors to the Pegasus Theatre were flung open for a sneak preview of ‘Ouch Ouch, My Arm And Head Have Fallen Off, Call Me An Air Ambulance’. Initial reviews are quite good, with some critics labelling Mr. Westmoreland’s performance as both epic and towering in its bi-play of raw emotion and heroism. Attendances have been poor though, with only 21 men dressed as cricketers making the show – and a bemused wife and two young boys raising an eyebrow at each other.

D. Edwards’ (33) amazing cover driving without a bat.

The Nomads would eventually realise 203 off their 40 overs, largely thanks to some insipid fielding and handy wagging down the order from S. Watts (24) and M. Harrow (22). I. Leggate (3-0-23-0) bowled with renewed confidence, whilst D. Shorten (8-0-29-2) reaped the dividends with his controlled variety of swing – despite bowling up the hill.

This apparent incline to the Cutteslowe pitch had gone unnoticed by everyone, until a returning Dave Emerson started grumbling to his skipper. “I can’t bowl uphill, I simply can’t. If I did, I would bowl shit, so I simply refuse to do it. I want to bowl downhill otherwise I’m not fucking bowling at all.” After watching Dave pick his toys off the floor, Martin allowed Dave the luxury of bowling downhill, noting with some amusement that he’d left the door wide open for a season of abuse every time The MAD note a slight incline on a pitch.

Kim’s embarrassment at her husband’s teas forced her into baking a cake.

Tea – and an opportunity for some profiteering. Step forth former Tesco shelf-filler and morally corrupt cricketing all-rounder, Steve Dobner. Having spent the off-season with far too much time on his hands, juggling the strenuous responsibilities of changing channels on his TV set and playing games with his kids, Mr. Dobner reasoned that cricket teas were a wry way of paying for his commute from Essex to Oxford. In return for a couple of wafer thin Iceland pizzas, a few out-of-date packets of crisps, and a few litres of mouthwash which doubled as drink, Steve would charge The MAD eighty pounds for his labours [with the promise of more “delights” to come]. How this deal was ratified by The MAD hierarchy is anyone’s guess, so maybe Steve reverted to type and threatened to punch somebody’s teeth out…?

In reply to the Nomad’s imposing total, Howarth (10) soon departed [caught] to leave D. Edwards and D. Shorten to carry the baton. Whereas Edwards (33) looked assured until he was undone by a P. Harris pie, Dave looked twitchy on his way to an uncharacteristically slow 16. Debutant Ross Mather had a day to forget [out first ball], and with S. Dobner (5) and T. Smith (0) also perishing, The MAD looked rather wobbly on 72 for 6.

D. Shorten’s (16) mature batting display caused consternation.

It has been a criticism in recent seasons that The MAD tail appears to have been ran over by an articulated lorry – as it never ever wags; but on this particular Sunday in early May, I am happy to report it did wag. It wagged in some style – wagging better than a visit to Jimmy Choo’s by the wives of the England football team.

Bemoaning his crippling finger injury, Skipper Westmoreland (27) was able to coax the lower order – and in doing so brought out a sparkling 32 from Mr. Hoskins [including a six with his beloved Mongoose bat]; a doughty 9 from I. Leggate [with his reverse Mongoose bat]; and an enterprising display of hitting from the maligned J. Hotson (18*). Jake’s innings included a lofted four over the bowler’s head no less.

With a mere 36 runs required off the final over, an amazing and impractical victory was almost The MAD’s. Unfortunately, Dave Emerson (3) read the wrong script and ran himself out – an ironic dismissal when you consider he was running downhill at the time.

Ross Mather (centre) had a debut to forget.

In summation, an entertaining and enjoyable game of cricket played in great spirit with our friends from Swindon (yeah, I know). The match epitomised the ethos of Sunday cricket, where the will to win was not at the expense of decent banter and a fun day out. Piss-taking was exemplary, moaning top notch, with the consistently inept fielding a joy to behold.

We look forward to playing these guys next year.

‘Buckets’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Nomads CC Played at Cutteslowe, 9 May 2010 Nomads CC won the toss and elected to bat Nomads CC won by 33 runs Far from the MCC debuts: Ross Mather (108)

10 / 194 40 over match

Team	Nomads CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	H. Alleyne	c Howarth b Westmoreland	63				4-126
2	J. Whitaker	c Howarth b Emerson	10				1-26
3	A. Thompson	c Howarth b Dobner	7				2-70
4	M. Baldwin	b Dobner	0				3-70
5	N. Preddy	c Emerson b Dobner	38				5-127
6	P. Harris	lbw b Westmoreland	13				7-145
7	S. Leighfield	lbw b Westmoreland	0				6-130
8	S. Watts	b Shorten	24				9-190
9	M. Harrow	c Hoskins b Shorten	22				8-190
10	P. Preddy	not out	1				-
11	M. Hussain	not out	10				-
	Extras	(NB1, W10, LB1, B3)	15
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)	203

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	8	1	32	1
2	Shorten	8	0	29	2
3	Hoskins	6	0	47	0
4	Dobner	8	1	20	3
5	Westmoreland	6	0	39	3
6	Leggate	3	0	23	0
7	Howarth	1	0	7	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	b Harris	33	(64)	3	-	2-60
2	I. Howarth +	c b Hussain	10	(20)	1	-	1-20
3	D. Shorten	lbw b Harrow	16	(31)	1	-	4-70
4	R. Mather	b Harris	0	(1)	-	-	3-66
5	S. L. P. Dobner	b Harrow	5	(10)	1	-	6-72
6	T. P. W. Smith	c and b Leighfield	0	(11)	-	-	5-70
7	J. D. Hoskins	b Thompson	32	(32)	3	1	8-134
8	M. T. Westmoreland *	c b Leighfield	27	(24)	4	-	7-125
9	I. C. Leggate	run out	9	(20)	-	-	9-167
10	J. C. W. Hotson +	not out	18	(18)	1	-	-
11	D. Emerson	run out	3	(3)	-	-	10-170
	Extras	(W5, LB7, B5)	17
	TOTAL	(all out, 39.4 overs)	170

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	P. Preddy	4	0	8	0
2	Hussain	6	0	18	1
3	Harrow	8	0	18	2
4	Harris	5	0	25	2
5	Leighfield	6	0	37	2
6	Baldwin	4	0	31	0
7	Thompson	4	0	14	1
8	Watts	2.4	0	16	0
Note: I. Howarth kept wicket for overs 1-22, J. C. W. Hotson thereafter from 23-40

MOTM: M. T. Westmoreland Champagne Moment: J. D. Hoskins’ Mongoose swatted maximum Buffet Award: J. D. Hoskins’ chilli and humus wraps

Opposition: V022 / 08 Ground: G001 / 28 Captain: C011 / 23

Match Fines