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Exhibition of Batting Incompetence

Seasons 2019 - 2020

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An online page totally devoted to the exhibition, celebration and educational interpretation of classical batting incompetence, as performed and executed by members of the Far from the MCC. Please note there have been countless other examples since the team’s inception back in 1998, but alas a camera wasn’t present to record the event(s).

Many thanks to all the photographic contributions over the years, in particular James Hoskins, who set the benchmark in the middle noughties by mortgaging his house for a zoom lens and hifalutin Nikon. Other luminaires would be Chairman Bullock (one remembers the early Minehead Tours) and of course Mr Howarth, whose investment in a Canon reaped dividends in lieu of his dwindling time out in the middle. Lest we forget Mr Hotson’s analogue work at Garsington and Mr Williams’ modern day claims to be sports photographer of high repute.

All art pieces therein are named and displayed in chronological order, which leaves us to say…. Enjoy!

The Newcastle Stare

- J. C. W. Hotson, Cublington v Cublington CC. 2019

No stranger to an exhibit or ten, here Jake Hotson is being stared down by none other than Mike Ashley as the square leg umpire. Buckling under the pressure, the batsman is incapable of even a basic forward defensive.

The Invisible Bat

- J. C. W. Hotson, Harwell Campus v Harwell International CC. 2019

No stranger to an exhibit or eleven, here Jake Hotson tries his luck with a square cut using the same bat as he always uses. Alas, it is the same bat which never seems to hit a ball.

Golden Times

- D. Shorten, Chittlehampton, North Devon v Erlestoke & Coulston CC. 2019

Not content with a Diamond performance at Stogumber on the Thursday evening of Tour, Dave Shorten quickly added some Gold to his ever-growing collection of precious stones and metal. Take note of the exemplary footwork as he shuffles about 3 inches in a direction unsubstantiated whilst analysing some rough turf.

Fallen Star

- I. Howarth, Stratfield Brake, Kidlington v OUCCC. 2019

Once upon a time, Ian Howarth rarely featured in this gallery of ineptitude, but as his reactions wane and his confidence plumbs depths hitherto unknow, he could become a regular. Especially now another eagle-eyed photographer patrols the boundary.

Off The Tee

- M. K. Reeves, Stratfield Brake, Kidlington v OUCCC. 2019

A man obsessed with sporting pursuits, here Mike takes a 3-wood and blasts the invisible golf ball down the fairway. It is a case example of how the advancing years confuse the mind into knowing not what we’re doing on a day we can’t comprehend.

Babe Ruthless

- J. C. W. Hotson, Middleton Park v Middleton Stoney. 2020

Babe Ruthless is a fictional baseball player who can’t tie the shoelace of his illustrious namesake. In this stellar example of violent incompetence, our protagonist is only concerned about the home run, when in fact he should be more concerned about the pavilion sulk.

Golden Nugget

- C. J. Vermaak, Middleton Park v Middleton Stoney. 2020

Golden? This example is more bronze, or a weather-washed turd in colour. Wandering down the track swatting flies, our Kolpak native displays all the assured batting techniques one would expect from someone put through their paces among the tough, disciplined and fiery academies of the Transvaal’s.

NOT OUT!!!

- C. T. J. Williams, Park Field, Cumnor v Cumnor CC. 2020

Here, the guy with more nicknames than he knows what to do with, is rather surprised to see the ball come bouncing back past him. That’s what happens when you’re bowled swinging across the swing … but NOT bowled when the bowler oversteps the crease. The upshot? Chris Williams is a jammy bugger.

VERY OUT!!!

- J. vdG. Webster, Park Field, Cumnor v Cumnor CC. 2020

After entering an earlier Mole Bashing Contest in Cumnor, Mr Webster forgets he’s playing cricket after arriving at the crease and is duly castled trying to smack one of the small, tunnel digging buggers.

POTS Shot II

- M. K. Reeves, Park Field, Cumnor v Cumnor CC. 2020

Coming seven years after D. Emerson’s seminal slog across the line at Enstone, you would think our new POTS would ooze class and panache and be able to rebuild an innings on a flat track. Alas, that is not the case and Mike has obviously aged extraordinarily badly overnight. In this example, his leaden footwork is akin to Mr Hoskins and his vision akin to Michael Schumacher on skis.

The Non-Believer III

- R. P. Turner, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

In this latest exhibit of incompetence, yet further evidence is provided of Russell Paul Turner’s failure to comprehend he has missed a ball. He is always found looking back incredulously as the ball hammers against his uprights. So, here we go again…. The rest, as they say, is rather very similar over many years.

Keeping it in the Family I

- D. J. H. Westmoreland, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

Over the years, their dad has extolled great wisdom and skillsets for the Westmoreland Boys on how to drive the ball through the cover area. Front foot planted down the track, head over the ball and a free flow of the bat through the arc. Oh….

Keeping it in the Family II

- J. A. H. Westmoreland, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

Over the years, their dad has extolled great wisdom and skillsets for the Westmoreland Boys on how to moo a ball through cow. Step out to leg, eyes on the prize and hoik the fucker down leg. Oh….

The Interplanetary Swipe from the Golden Planet Bashington!

- D. Shorten, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

Oh….

The Par 3

- G. J. Timms, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

With an update with destiny against a battled hardened squad of Isis golfers in early October, Mr. Timms has been trying to force his way into a MAD Select XI by practising his approach play from the fairway. Here he takes a regulatory 3-iron to hit a marvellous drive to the edge of the … oh ….

The 11-card Village Trick

- R. P. Turner, Freelands v Freelands CC. 2020

The classic setup in village cricket is to bowl a fistful of toilet to relax the batsman before chucking down an unplayable delivery. In this example, Mr Turner received an over of total crap containing 5 extra balls from M Buckingham, before the final one swung in late to clatter into the uprights.

Sign of Madness

- G. J. Timms, Freelands v Freelands CC. 2020

In this example of cluelessness, Gary plays an identical waft across the line he has gotten out to a hundred times, whilst like still totes expecting a different outcome.

The Embarrassment

- A. Darley, Freelands v Freelands CC. 2020

Here, Andrew can’t make his mind up whether to get stumped or get bowled, so he lunges down the track to miss the ball and give himself both options. Smart cookie.

Nanny Killer

- R. J. T. Hadfield, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

In a fit of fury, Lord Lucan loses his shit and tries smacking the head off an invisible nanny. Sadly, for him anyway, he forgets a game of cricket is being played….

The Embodiment

- T. J. Kawada-Williams, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

Debutant Taiga Williams underlines the fact that the fruit never falls far from the tree, steadfastly refusing to play himself in as he tries to twat his first ball much like his father does. Oh….

The Putter

- J. D. Hoskins, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

In this exhibit, James lies just off the green and is trying to hit the ball out the rough to lay it up for a simple tap in. Oh….

The Walking Stick

- G. Carter, Appleton v Appleton CC. 2020

Geoff had been in scintillating form prior to this match by successfully guessing where the ball was by the noise from the bell inside. Here, at Appleton, the home team remove said item from the ball and Geoff is fucking clueless….

Local Knowledge

- G. Carter, Cassington v Wootton & Bladon CC. 2020

In this showpiece, keeper Gary Doggett can hardly watch the mastery of a batsman who plied his trade in Cassington for many years. All that local knowledge works a treat to compile a sizeable score and … oh.

Shocking at This Level

- J. A. Cartwright, Cassington v Wootton & Bladon CC. 2020

An outstanding cricketer in his days of Welsh league cricket, it is highly unlikely Joe was ever captured on a brownie camera having his bails tickled. A hundred years on, he finally appears among his contemporaries in this most hallowed of cricketing shrines. Well done, Joe … good things come to those who wait (a long time).

Sign of Madness II

- G. Carter, Cassington v Wootton & Bladon. 2020

In this example of cluelessness, as in previous examples of like total cluelessness, Gary plays an identical waft across the line he has gotten out to a hundred times, whilst like still totes expecting a different outcome.

Bad Small Pearson Bash Bash Bash

- J. A. Cartwright, Eynsham v Isis CC. 2020

…in this shot, Mr Cartwright decides to smack a very small James Pearson on the head with his bat. We’re unsure why and what James did to deserve it, but Joe forgot to defend his stumps whilst doing so.

The Spoon

- R. P. Turner, Eynsham v Isis CC. 2020

Being caught is something of a rarity in this gallery, but here Mr Turner gives the audience what they want by picking Joe Walter out with an assured accuracy only the very assured can deliver.

The Liar

- G. Carter, Islip v Islip CC. 2020

In this picture, Geoff’s declaration that he is only ever undone playing a shot is proved false. He is also undone playing a forward defensive block type thing.

The Decade in Passing

- J. Harris, Islip v Islip CC. 2020

Less flamboyant and more mature, John’s return from a twelve year sabbatical raising a family has paid plenty of dividends. Certainly, his inclusion in this hallowed MAD shrine being one of them.

The Symmetry

- J. D. Hoskins, Islip v Islip CC. 2020

Taking guard several feet outside leg stump, here James frees his arms to give that silly round thing a good pasting over long on. Oh… but wow! Just look at those symmetrical bails fly!

The Newcastle Stare – Part II

- J. C. W. Hotson, Islip v Islip CC. 2020

No stranger to an exhibit or twenty, here Jake Hotson is being stared down by none other than Mike Ashley (again) as the square leg umpire. Buckling under the pressure (again), the batsman is incapable of even a basic forward defensive (again).

Pink Tragedy

- C. D. Roberts, Stratfield Brake v OUCCC. 2020

The MAD’s number eleven hero is back … and how! Pushed up the order to number six, it is clear this poor captaincy has unsettled Bob with a fifty there for taking lower down.

The Driving Iron

- D. Shorten, Stratfield Brake v OUCCC. 2020

With the upcoming golf tournament versus Isis on the horizon, here Dave Shorten practices his long game at the first. We’re not entirely sure of his yardage, but some weird pink thing has flown past him splattered some stumps.

Thou Shalt Not … Oh

- G. Carter, Aston Tirrold v Astons CC. 2020

A master in defence, here Geoff gets a decent lunge forward and plants his bat firmly on the ground to prevent any … oh

The Tickle

- M. K. Reeves, Aston Tirrold v Astons CC. 2020

Quite inexplicably, the ball has brushed the left handers off stump with the faintest of kisses, and in doing so the leg bail has plopped off. All dreadfully unlucky but thankfully the camera was there to capture it.

Darned Pads …or is it Gloves?

- J. W. Pearson, Appleton v Mandarins. 2020

Here, the perfect on drive would have been captured if it wasn’t for James’ defective kit. The pads are clearly letting him down as are the gloves. This dismissal is in no way his fault.

Vertigo

- J. A. Cartwright, Ipsden v Ipsden. 2020

In this example, Joe goes for an expansive cover drive but is suddenly struck by a cruel case of vertigo as he looks downwards on to the roof of a house.

Former POTS Shot

- D. Emerson, Ipsden v Ipsden. 2020

Having been named POTS many years ago, you’d think a certain amount of class, style and responsibility would purvey when batting in the middle order. Alas, this is not the case as Emerson looks to swipe a Moo-like bowler over cow corner, missing completely as the ball pootles onto middle stump. POTS Shots such as these make you think that surely there’s a better option for POTS for 2020? Truly fucking terrible.

Mr. ANGRY

- J. vdG. Webster, Stratfield Brake, Kidlington v OUCCC. 2020

Having carefully laid the foundations to an innings rescuing knock, here we find overseas mercenary vdG. Webster deciding to cut loose with a massive swipe to leg… oh.

Mr. Plastic

- I. Howarth, The Dean Field, Hampstead Norreys v Hampstead Norreys CC. 2020

Batting is all about picking the length and line and applying the right shot in the circumstances. For instance, if a ball is directed on off stump on a decent length, you would probably need to get back in defence and… oh.