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Exhibition of Batting Incompetence

Seasons 2015 - 2016

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An online page totally devoted to the exhibition, celebration and educational interpretation of classical batting incompetence, as performed and executed by members of the Far from the MCC. Please note there have been countless other examples since the team’s inception back in 1998, but alas a camera wasn’t present to record the event(s).

Many thanks to all the photographic contributions over the years, in particular James Hoskins, who set the benchmark in the middle noughties by mortgaging his house for a zoom lens and hifalutin Nikon. Other luminaires would be Chairman Bullock (one remembers the early Minehead Tours) and of course Mr Howarth, whose investment in a Canon reaped dividends in lieu of his dwindling time out in the middle. Lest we forget Mr Hotson’s analogue work at Garsington and Mr Williams’ modern day claims to be sports photographer of high repute.

All art pieces therein are named and displayed in chronological order, which leaves us to say…. Enjoy!

The Sniper

- M. Bullock, Fair Mile v Cholsey CC. 2015

In this shot, Mr Bullock has played a textbook forward defensive, only to hear the ping of a bail dislodged behind him. Impossible to gauge where the shot came from, a full comb of the Fair Mile Hospital building failed to find the culprit / marksman.

Peeping Tom

- G. J. Timms, Enstone v Enstone CC. 2015

Perving through the leafy foliage at the ground of Enstone CC, we discover The Mad skipper, Mr. Timms, deciding to obscure his stumps whilst swatting a fly away. There is a vociferous appeal and Timms is found guilty as charged. “Moronic” batting of the highest acclaim.

Pigeon Shoot

- M. Bullock, Enstone v Enstone CC. 2015

On hearing that local farmers in the Enstone area of Oxfordshire were struggling to contain the menace to their crops from wood pigeons, Mr. Bullock was only to keen to lend a hand. In this exhibit, he smashes the ball clean through a cluster of the little buggers swirling above, decapitating them in the process. He is also caught.

3-iron

- G. Carter, Islip v Islip CC. 2015

Revered elder MAD statesman, Mr G. Carter, here utilises his 3-iron when driving off the first tee at Islip CC. Whilst not adhering to conventional golfing strokeplay, he nonetheless sees the ball travel miles into the distance. He would, of course, the doddery senile old fucker.

The Stalk – Part Deux

- J. C. W. Hotson, Islip v Islip CC. 2015

Here, Jake Hotson reprises his classic exhibit from 2010. An exhilarating marriage of balance and coordination, Jake amazes all by raising the heel of his left foot to balance adroitly on the tip of his toes with a flourish through the covers. Alas, the coordination of the bat is less than successful.

The Hurdler

- C. D. Roberts, Wootton & Boars Hill v Wootton & Boars Hill CC. 2015

Being so tall can be a real handicap sometimes, as evidenced here as Tall Bob looks down to see if he can spot the ball. He can’t and he didn’t, but thankfully the ball wasn’t too far away as it hit some upright wooden stump-things behind him.

Clumsy Bastard

- J. C. W. Hotson, Brasenose v OUP. 2015

A regular donator of fine exhibits to the EBI Gallery, the fleet-footed mastery of Mr. J. Hotson is here demonstrated as he goes charging down the wicket to twat a horse fly. Was it a horse fly – or was it a figment of Jake’s lurid imagination? Not that Mr. Heron gave a fuck as he minded the stumps.

The Bewildered

- R. P. Turner, Brasenose v OUP. 2015

It’s always reassuring to have a dependable character for any exhibition, and here we are wooed again by the Alzheimer afflicted Homer, dashing up the wicket with one hand on his bat and absolutely no idea where he is / what he is doing. His audience had no idea either, but their day was immediately brightened as a result.

The Denial

- M. K. Reeves, Harwell v Harwell International CC. 2015

Despite boasts of “it” being one of the best cover drives ever to grace the Harwell cricket ground, Mr Reeves would later refute any allegations of sloppiness, instead putting it down to the “best” catch ever seen. A lofty Fantasy Valuation is one thing, oblivion to ones shortcomings is another.

The Babe Ruth

- N. S. Hill, Cumnor v Bodleian. 2015

George Herman “Babe” Ruth was an American baseball player legendary for hitting the ball miles. Nick Steven Hill is also a baseball player, here applying the same process to spectacular success in cricket….

The Floating Bail

- D. Shorten, Marlborough School v Wootton & Bladon CC. 2015

Supernatural happenings at play at Marlborough School, Woodstock, are here caught on camera. On hearing disbelieving cries of consternation, batsman Dave Shorten is flabbergasted when he turns around to see the bail mysteriously floating above the stumps. Paranormal investigators have been informed.

The Floating Bail – Part II

- G. J. Timms, Marlborough School v Wootton & Bladon CC. 2015

Further supernatural activity was to continue at Marlborough School, Woodstock, with batsman Gary Timms oblivious to the unholy events unfolding behind him. In the photo he is practising some French Cricket whilst a poltergeist frees the bail from the top of the stumps. Eerie and scary stuff.

The Mocking

- J. D. Hoskins, Brasenose v Isis CC. 2015

Pompous, smug and arrogant aren’t adjectives you would normally associate with Mr J. D Hoskins, but in this frame James is utterly indignant of the ball as it crashes back off his stumps. “Whatever, you stupid red ball – who cares? Aye? Ha. So what?” A very puzzling reaction indeed.

The Brasenose Shuffle

- C. D. Roberts, Brasenose v Isis CC. 2015

Nobody knows the Brasenose Shuffle as well as Tall Bob. Fleet of foot, a swing of the bat, a side step or two, all serenaded by a leather ball tinkling the wood like a xylophone.

The Earthquake

- D. Shorten, Jordan Hill v Lemmings. 2015

Goodness gracious! Oxford is exposed to a gargantuan earthquake right in the middle of an old Tom Baker over at Jordan Hill. Hapless batsman Dave Shorten loses his balance, thrown to the floor as the Lemmings’ keeper claims a stumping. An incredible dismissal.

The Blindness

- J. C. W. Hotson, Brasenose v Harwell CC. 2015

Being one of the club's most gifted and sublimely unique batting talents, here Jake Hotson attempts something only a maverick would do. Closing his eyes, he attempts a cover drive of sorts using only his ears for guidance. Its a truly amazing decision, particularly in light of the team's impending defeat to Harwell CC. Oh....

The Green Mist

- D. Shorten, Brasenose v Bodleian. 2015

First Dave experiences an earthquake and now he is the victim of a spooky green mist! Captured in this image, an unholy vapour rises through the Brasenose College ground to flummox our T20 hero. Lego is visibly shaken enough to take his eyes off the ball as it crashes into his stumps. Unlucky, Dave! Tune in next week folks for another captivating Bizarre Shorten Dismissal….

The Derren Brown

- J. D. Hoskins, Queens College v Isis CC. 2015

Who cares about the bloody ball, right? It’s all about looking good, about poise, intention and class. Here, JMO perfects one of most difficult shots in cricket, the classic ‘on drive’, a cricketing stroke revered by Test pundits the world over. So bloody what if he missed the darned ball? And actually, he wasn’t out either, it rebounded off the wicketkeeper’s pads onto his stumps, thus NOT OUT! A genuinely brilliant illusion. All hail James ‘Derren Brown’ Hoskins.

The MS Sweep – Part I

- J. C. W. Hotson, Middleton Park v MSCC. 2015

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) affects nerves in the brain and spinal cord, and is very reminiscent in both name and symptoms to the unusual phenomenon afflicting visiting players to Middleton Stoney (MS Sweep). One of the symptoms associated with the latter, is a sudden confusion in the frontal lobe preceding a manic urge to play the ‘sweep’ shot. Generally speaking, the shot selection is atrocious, as demonstrated above by opener J. Hotson.

The MS Sweep – Part II

- R. P. Turner, Middleton Park v MSCC. 2015

In this example, MS Sweep sufferer R. P. Turner cannot fathom what he is doing to ball of good length on middle stump. Neither could anyone else, until the phenomenon was explained by locals spectating at the ground.

The MS Sweep – Part III

- M. K. Reeves, Middleton Park v MSCC. 2015

Lastly, and certainly not least, we find the Club’s most expensive Fantasy Cricketer, Mr. M. K. Reeves, equally susceptible to the MS Sweep. You would have thought a man of such standing would have done his research beforehand and taken the precaution of having a vaccine.

The John Travolta

- D. Emerson, Brasenose College v Islip CC. 2015

Former overseas POTS, Mr D. Emerson, has always been a private fan of John Travolta films, in particular the seminal classic from the 1970s a ‘Saturday Night Fever’. Notwithstanding smashing Islip’s finest all over Brasenose, he even undertook his own little disco tribute to his muse mid-innings. Just a shame he opted to pull some shapes whilst the bowler delivered the ball.

The Line Dance

- J. C. W. Hotson, Enstone v Enstone CC. 2016

A regular to this page, Mr J. C. W. Hotson kept everyone in the dark regarding his winter line dancing routines at Banbury’s Big Cowboy Diner. Here he leans in a north-westerly direction in perfect symmetry with his leg stump, so much so you can almost hear Shania Twain singing in the background.

Power Failure

- J. D. Hoskins, Horspath Recreational Ground v OUP. 2016

A fan favourite on this page, Mr Hoskins is here captured suffering a catastrophic power down with his weaponised Goose (bat). Frantically trying to reenergise the bat before the ball realises its trajectory on middle stump, JMO is left cursing a quite dreadful week of appalling and unjustified bad luck.

Battery Failure

- J. C. W. Hotson, Appleton v St Clement’s Strollers. 2016

On hearing The MAD’s new Zing Bails were to be deployed in leafy Appleton for an evening’s T20 thrash, EBI regular Mr Hotson decided he was going after it right from the get go This he did, whacking a few and then missing this little beauty, middle stump and Zingers in the air! But what is this? No lights? No fucking juice in the batteries more like….

Later ramifications: Jake is devastated not be inducted as the first entrant in the EZBI (Exhibition of Zing Batting Incompetence).

The Former POTS Shot

- D. Emerson, Cholsey Meadows v Cholsey CC. 2016

Having been named POTS two years running, you’d think a certain amount of class, style and responsibility would purvey when opening the batting. Alas, this is not the case as Emerson looks to swipe the opening bowler over cow corner, missing completely as the ball zings off middle stump. Shots such as these make you think he’ll never rediscover former glories. Truly fucking terrible.

The Turd

- M. Westmoreland, Cholsey Meadows v Cholsey CC. 2016

A curious exhibit where Mr Westmoreland decides to try and curl one out instead of concentrating on his batting. We’re not sure whether he was successful with his excretions, but he was unsuccessful in protecting his stumps.

The MAD Axeman

- M. Bullock, Cholsey Meadows v Cholsey CC. 2016

Turning his hand to a little tree felling, here Mr M. Bullock impresses team mate and lumberjack Nick Hebbes, by carving his stumps apart using the blade of his bat.

The Bewildered II

- R. P. Turner, Cholsey Meadows v Cholsey CC. 2016

It’s always reassuring to have a dependable character for any exhibition, and here we are wooed once again by the Alzheimer afflicted Homer, again wandering off up the wicket and absolutely no idea where he is / what he is doing. His audience had no idea either, but their day was immediately brightened as a result.

The Mystery

- J. W. Pearson, Brasenose College v Wootton & Bladon CC. 2016

Be it defective glasses or poor execution, James’ attempt to… erm, to be honest we haven’t got a fucking clue what is going on here…. Is he cutting the damned thing? Blocking it? Splatting flying ants? No idea. Nice exhibit though.

The Slogger

- D. Shorten, Bramshaw, Hampshire v Bramshaw CC. 2016

Advocating a steely new resolve in compiling scores with a mixture of orthodox groundstrokes and defence, here we find Slogger Shorten reverting to type. A distant cow in the New Forest is targetted as he throws his plank at one on a length. Oh….

The Pisshead

- L. G. Ainsworth, Pylewell Park, Hampshire v Pylewell Park CC. 2016

Tour debutant Mr Ainsworth reckoned not on the effects of three days drinking would have on his unquestionable batting prowess. In this joyful exhibit, he lunges forward in the first over of the match, almost toppling over in a post-paralytic torpor as a dainty little off-spinner castles him. Thankfully, Lee was most accepting of the dismissal and in no way indulged in moaning throughout the remainder of the day.