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MAD Glossary “V – Z”

(Updated to end of Season 2023)

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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti-daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted.

Fast forward to the future and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore.

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Van There are several vans that belong to team members. Thorn has a van, Bob has a van and Dave Shorten has an even bigger van. In fact, Dave’s van doubles as a kitbag courier service when on Tour – and also, as a prison for Ian Leggate, who was once forgotten and locked inside it at Louth. ( Link to Match Report )	Vandal Acts of vandalism are commonplace on Tour, here a certain player with a certain number has smashed his room key in the best hotel the team have ever stayed in (2017, Minehead).
Vaping STILL not allowed inside hotels apparently. Who would have thought….	Velvet Rope Normally used to keep riff-raff out of popular discotheque’s that the yoot of today frequent. But, also extremely handy to keep pissed-up opening batsmen secure during impromptu press conferences (as was the case on Tour 2016 to Hampshire). See also “Conference Centre”.
Victorious A rare occurrence on Tour is The MAD to be victorious, but young debutant D. I. G. G. E. R Bateman was certainly that as he directed and starred in the famous game at East Brighton Park versus the Zambuca Tigers. ( Link to Match Report )	Village Handbook of Cricket A fictional (and unwritten) book often referenced in match reports which details village life’s own take on our venerable sport. For instance, the preferred coaching methods of the ECB are mostly ignored, in favour of ignorant and irregular methods widely practiced in village cricket (see below). ( Link to Match Report )
Violinist A more than handy cricketer who once graced the club in the early Jude days, Leo Phillips has performed extensively as a conductor, as a violin soloist and chamber musician, and as a leader – and often director – of many world-renowned orchestras and ensembles. As such, we should applaud him. We don’t have our own photo of him, doing his tuff, so here is a sheet of music, that probably only Leo could understand….	Visitor’s Pass (Blenheim Park) With the FFTMCC forming a sporting rivalry with Blenheim Park CC back in 2008, the team were to receive free entry passes for the date of the game in question. This particular specimen below is from 2009 and is no doubt a copy of a copy of a copy which would have been distributed to family members, mates, dogs, cats and budgies – and generally anyone else who knew a member of The MAD and who fancied a free day out at Blenheim Palace in the Oxford summer. ( Link to Match Report )
Walsh (John) Every team has one and the OUP have one who is the grandest (and oldest) of them all – the ubiquitous Club Pie-chucker. John Walsh, a cricket aficionado and Tory Boy, belies his aging years with his effective flan-throwing. He made a name for himself in 2012 by taking 3 MAD wickets in 4 balls, including David Emerson for a hilarious second ball duck (stumped). ( Link to Match Report )	Waverley Inn THE place to be in the Isle of Wight in 2022. So exclusive, it’s incredibly hard to get into, especially at 1am after a day on the ALE.... Luckily, if you throw enough stones at Room 1’s window, a fat bloke will come down and let you in, won’t he Jake...?
Waving Goodbye After finally establishing himself as a batting talent that none of us believed he was and underscoring this revelation with a ton against neighbours Isis CC in 2022, James Bateman decided to fuck off to Australia and leave us [and opening partner Williams] in the lurch. Thanks, mate. ( Link to Match Report )	Wembley [Stadium] Prefacing a seasonal opening dicking at Horspath in 2010, Steve Dobner organised a trip to Wembley to watch his beloved Saracens stuff Harlequins out of sight in some rugby Cup Final. Whilst Gary Littlechild would wait hours for his teammates to actually turn up, Steve was stranded in Iceland due to a faulty volcano (allegedly). ( Link to Social Report )
Wembley Ticket (Unused) Having publicly criticised his teammates for never leaving their cosy surroundings in Oxfordshire, Steve Dobner suggested he’d pull some strings organise a trip to London to see his beloved Saracens play at Wembley in the Guinness Premiership. After garnering plenty of interest from the Club and having his mates make their journey to the capital by Oxford Tube, Steve never showed up, preferring to use some excuse about an Icelandic volcano keeping him captive in Tenerife instead. Cheers, mate.	Westmoreland Brick A fond reference referring to a brick (now chipped) atop of the Minehead CC clubhouse in Somerset. During the fateful first over of a touring game in 2003, Martin Westmoreland’s second ball was summarily spanked out of the ground and against it. ( Link to Match Report )
Weston-Super-Mare The Far from the MCC’s Tour to Weston in 2013 was definitely all of that: “super”. Glorious weather formed the backdrop to the team’s stay and many happy memories were made. ( Link to Tour Ratings )	Wetherspoons Do you yearn for the chance to recreate a sit-down meal at 9am? Then the app is just for you. Added bonus is that you avoid waiting at the bar while the locals order their pints of wine, and you get to use the time saved to check out the lovely pub carpet....
White Ball (Signed) We’re not quite sure whether the T20 v Wootton & Boars Hill CC in 2014 was the first time The MAD had used a ‘white ball’, but the ball in question was kept as a memento one found after Ian Howarth slogged his opposite number (fixture secretary Dave Parker) out of the ground over long off.	Willis Building Norman Foster’s ‘high tech’ modern architectural office block spread out over three floors, designed and built in the 1970s in Ipswich, it attracts a lot of tourism and also pissed cricketers looking to escape a whole day sat in the pub. It is notable for a lot of green and yellow decor and Delia Smith would absolutely approve.
Who Am I? A wonderful idea by Gary Timms on Tour to f______ T______ in 2014, was orchestrating a MAD Quiz based on the pretext of “Who am I?” You are Gary, Gary, and you always will be Gary. The quiz has now become a staple of MAD Tours – or for at least two Tours anyway.	Wives This item could easily be filed under ‘polygamy’, but since most of the team are too stupid to have heard [or say] that term, we will use ‘wives’. Unfair barbs and humour have been levelled at Russ Turner and his affiliations and of course Mr Reeves’ other lady on the Isle of Wight. Spam has also been married a dozen times.
Wonderland Ironically named, ‘Wonderland’ is a woodland attraction based in f______ T______ for all the family. It is also doubles as mental torture for pissed cricket teams by serenading any attempts at crazy golf with its ‘Wonderland’ theme tune….	Wootton(s) The FFTMCC have been linked with two Wootton’s over the years. They play both Wootton & Bladon CC and Wootton & Boars Hill CC, although the former have actually rebranded on several occasions due to being told to fuck off by the local parishes.
Work Boots Mr T. P. W. Smith is synonymous with his beige, steel toe capped work boots. They act as an excellent replacement for his cricket shoes that reside somewhere unknown outside the confines of his cricket bag.	Wurzels The Wurzels are a Scrumpy and Western band from Somerset, best known for their number one hit The Combine Harvester. They played a gig at Stogumber in 2017, a week before The MAD played at the ground, and the clubhouse was still rammed with leftover stock (cider). ( Link to Match Report )
“Y” or “N” An incalculably difficult response for a MAD player when asked if he is simply “available” for an upcoming match…?	Yips A mental affliction that affects many sportsmen, particularly golfers and spin bowlers. It is a mind block that can cause a player to forget the basics of his game – and in the most serious cases can force that player into early retirement. Martin Westmoreland is the club’s finest exponent of the “yips”. Martin suffered fielding yips for a few years before tackling the problem, only to then suffer from the batting yips. By the end of 2008, he had unfortunately succumbed to the bowling yips after remedying the previous problem.
“You didn’t dance around that one, did you?” A hilarious send-off given to A. Khan versus Harwell CC in 2016. After walking about his crease and clumping a few balls high and mighty, bowler Lee Ainsworth (below) then delivered one in the block-hole to castle the aforementioned batsman. Sheer poetry. ( Link to Match Report )	YouTube The final of the Friendly Cup in 2018 was held at Horspath CC, where coverage of the match was streamed live onto YouTube via their close circuit cameras. ( Link to Match Report )
Zambuca Tigers CC Who can forget the drunken Tour game of 2021, when a bunch of pissed MADsters turned up on a wet Friday evening for a T20. Certainly not those in attendance. It will be mostly synonymous for the one gentleman who wasn’t plastered (Mr Shorten) exercising his builder’s muscles and plastering the bowling to all parts as records tumbled. A wonderful match report captured the day beautifully. ( Link to Match Report )	Zing Bails Zings are high-tech cricket bails that light up when they are dislodged from the stumps. The MAD first encountered a set when they hired the Stanton St. John ground for the final game of the season in 2014. Treasurer Mr Reeves was transfixed and vowed thereafter to invest in some for The MAD. What he never did was buy some batteries for the fucking things (below)….
Zzzzzzzz A familiar sound to be heard near a pavilion whenever Geoff Carter is batting. Incidentally, he is not to be confused with his identical brother George (Carter) – a fine attacking batsman from the same family.	Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Bless old Uncle Albert (James Hoskins with camera below), the dozy old sod has nodded off again.