0 - 9 | A - F | G - K | L - P | Q - U | V - Z
MAD Glossary “Q – U”
(Updated to end of Season
2023)
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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti-daubed toilet door? The
Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who
having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own,
declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning
was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of
the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted. Fast forward to the future and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the
Far from the MCC’s allegedly most
popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all
contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone
into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore. |
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Q. Every decision a MAD Skipper
makes is immediately queried by his team. Every single one. Year after year.
That’s the problem with democracy. So… simply… DO. AS. YOU. ARE. F______.
TOLD!!!
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Q Bar Actually, named the “Quay
Inn” in Minehead, with a LARGE ‘Q’ emblem on its chimney. Please don’t ask Mr
Timms to tell you any of his jokes about the pub….
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Quandary Would best describe the
thoughts of skipper Martin Westmoreland during the tea interval on the 14th
of June, 2009 whilst scribbling down his batting order to chase down a paltry
… erm….
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Queens
College Picturesque central Oxford
cricket ground which is home to The MAD’s neighbours and opponents Isis CC.
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Quiz
(Gary) On the 2017 Tour to Minehead,
Mr Timms chose to opt out of dissolving his insides with a curry, instead
opting to run a quiz before the rest of the team were plastered.
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Quiz
(Matt) On the 2016 Tour to Hythe
& Dibden, Mr Bullock unveiled an excellent thought-provoking quiz during
the annual curry night. In it, the answers to several questions involved
mathematical formula which utilised MAD player numbers (MAD maths if you
will). It was thought a great success.
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Radio
(ITT Combat) Although resembling a piece of shit from an Action Man
film, this rare and bespoke analogue radio became the prize possession of Mr
I. C. Leggate. Purportedly made behind the Iron Curtain, it enabled Ian to
receive transmissions from the early 1950’s as he sat outside the Dew Drop
pub in Summertown. Requiring the world’s supply of batteries to operate, you
could distinctly hear the Russian military broadcasting propaganda about the
perils of trusting non-communist regimes. Or was it just a crackle and distorted
hiss? What we do know is that it was crap for picking up Radio 5 Live
commentary for a Test Match….
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Raving An all-day bender in Minehead in 2017 would find a bunch
of MAD tourists pulling shapes to house music in the backroom of a Wetherspoons
dive. We don’t want to identify them all, but Mike Ashley was there….
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Red
Arrows An amusing reference used by past player (and founder)
Eddie Lester whilst on Tour in Minehead in 2003. It described the sensation
of standing at mid-on whilst the bowling of Martin Westmoreland was summarily
smashed over his head with alarming speed and regularity (much like a
fly-past from the Red Arrows). Matt Bullock also snapped the Red Arrows on the
Eastbourne Tour of 2007.
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Red Lion Which Red Lion pub? Any Red Lion pub – you choose. It
seems whoever The MAD are playing against, they inevitably meet up before the
game at a pub with that name. A classic example being Cassington (v Isis CC
in 2013) – which had various groups of MAD players split between numerous
pubs of that name….
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Responsible
Adult The Club are a little thin on the ground when it comes to
having responsible adults. You win some, you lose some.
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Retired
(before they’re 50) The ambition of most men is
to retire from their shitty workplace. James Hoskins and Posh Builder (Dave
Shorten) have joined the land of the smug and done just that, although both
quietly keep their hands in so to speak….
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Rhyme On Tour in 2015, bowler Dave
Shorten got torn a new arsehole in the opening game versus Sarisbury CC. If
that wasn’t bad enough, his teammates serenaded him with a now infamous
rhyme…. “He bowls it left-t-t, he
bowls it right-t-t, David Shorten-n, he’s bowling
shi-i-i-i-i-t-t-t-t-e-e-e-e!!!”
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Ribena A nice cold can of Strongbow
Dark Fruit, the connoisseurs drink of choice to counteract the effects of
serious dehydration on the Tour to Suffolk in 2018.
“Let he who is without sin,
yet absolutely tanked up on ‘bena, paste the first fucker who looks at him
‘funny’.” - J. vdG. Webster |
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River
Exe The
river which runs past Bridgetown CC’s beautiful little ground in Minehead. It
became the de facto bullseye when playing any aggressive strokes.
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RJT
or RJB? (Hadfield) After
his sensational debut at the turn of the millennium, Richard Hadfield
mysteriously disappeared before reappearing some se7en years later for The
MAD in an equally mysterious manner. These mysterious goings on gave up the
nickname Lord Lucan which Richard proudly accepted. However, as the years passed
by, the Lucan joke integrated itself with the real Richard James Thurston and
became Richard John Bingham, and thus many a scorecard and match report has
R. J. B and not R. J. T… or is it the other way round?
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Robbed
(POTS Awards) There
is nothing like a good fucking moan, and Messrs Reeves and Howarth are
probably among The MAD’s worst offenders. Going back over a decade, Mike and
Ian still bitch on about being stitched up at end of season AGM and not
winning the prestigious “Player of the Season” trophy. Mike
blames Mark Shelley for his omission when playing for the now defunct
Marlborough House, whilst Ian apportions blame on Antony Mann and Lee
Ainsworth being more popular than him in 2004 and 2016.
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Robin
Smith The
story goes that Hampshire were at The Parks back in 1998, and following the
completion of the match went on the piss in Jericho. Later in the evening at The Jude, Robin was
pestered by Ed Lester and Baldrick to play for the pub’s cricket team. He is
said to have been amused (and drunk) and agreed to become a patron (of
sorts). That is where this story ends.
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Rose
Bowl A
small group of MAD players watched an ODI at the Rose Bowl in 2010. It was a
day/night affair between England and arch enemy Australia, and one where Mr
Hoskins took his very best camera along for the ride.
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Rubbish The
perfect description of an all too familiar abject Far from the MCC batting
display. There are far too many of them to mention in recent years, however
there is a link to a nice, yet depressingly familiar example below.
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Run
Out (victim) Law
38 of the “Laws of cricket” – a batsman is run out if at any time while the
ball is in play and no part of his bat or person is grounded behind the
popping crease when his wicket is fairly put down. Despite playing the game
since a junior, Paddy Mellor seems blissfully unaware of this ruling (below).
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Run
Out (perpetrator) Law
38 of the “Laws of cricket” – a batsman is run out if at any time while the
ball is in play and no part of his bat or person is grounded behind the
popping crease when his wicket is fairly put down. Despite playing the game
for an eternity, Jan Webster is unable to gauge running between the wickets.
Thankfully, Jan always makes it back to his crease, however his partner….
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Royal Oak The Royal Oak pub on the Woodstock Road, Oxford, was home
and sponsor to the Far from the MCC for seasons 2009 and 2010. It hosted a
couple of successful AGMs and is still popular with team members today. An
M&B pub, its closest equivalent is the Cape of Good Hope in the centre of
town.
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Rusty
Bicycle Due to the pub’s close proximity to the Oxford Spires
School off the Cowley Road, whenever the school hosted pre-season nets, the
Rusty Bicycle saw a fair amount of cricketing trade thereafter. It’s a decent
haunt with decent ales and ciders. It also has a decent rusty bicycle hanging
outside.
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Sainsburys Gift Voucher Back in the day, these orange gift vouchers replaced
Sterling as a means for David Emerson to pay his match fees (and fines). By
the end of the regular season in 2009, the club Treasurer had accumulated
such that Sainsbury’s ended up catering for a Tri-game Tournament barbeque at
Cutteslowe Park.
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Sambuca The shot of choice for most
AGM’s and also the connoisseurs fast-track to getting shitfaced on Tour.
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Sanitisation Forever synonymous with the Covid-19 epidemic, cricket
players were instructed to regularly sanitise their hands during the course
of a match. The ball was cited as a vessel of transmission….
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Screaming Cat Bat Discovered in one of the million charity shops frequented
by Thornton Smith in 2011. On what first appeared to be a piece of driftwood,
would in fact turn out to be a highly prized Screaming Cat bat.
Hand-made in Australia by Julian Millichamp, its value is as yet to be
ascertained. Thorn eventually gifted the bat to David Emerson following the
Kiwi’s campaign of harassment that lasted well over a year.
As
a footnote, Mr Emerson recently refurbished this piece of wood and has
donated it to Mr Timms to assist him with his leg spin(?) |
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Self-Importance Singularly the most
time-honoured fine in MAD history. It is doubtful any member of the club has
escaped being branded as self-important at one stage or another. The late
(and great) Adrian J. Fisher was forever important, largely because he was,
and will be, forever right.
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Self-Loathing (Bowling) Despite taking well over a
hundred wickets in his FFTMCC career, Steve Dobner declared that he’d never
bowl for The MAD again. He still did, of course he did, when he played, but
he moaned and complained every time he is tossed the ball.
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Sepia Mr Howarth debuted his new
Canon camera in season 2015. Blessed with all the high-spec mod cons one
would expect from such a reputable brand, he decided in his infinite wisdom
to shoot the first two matches in low-fi sepia. No … we don’t either.
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Shallow (Hiram) Hiram Shallow, or is it Hilam Shallow, or even Hylam –
either way he was the Stanford T20 player for St. Vincent & the
Grenadines who for several years was the chief destroyer of any bowling
attack in Oxfordshire. He will go down in MAD folklore as the man who
entertained the villagers of Tetsworth in 2009, by smashing bowling to all
parts on his way to a quite brutal 182 not out. He eventually retired
bored – the unofficial eleventh way of being out in cricket.
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Shelley
(Mark) Team mascot and irregular Captain of the now defunct Marlborough
House. The FFTMCC enjoyed a love hate relationship with Mr M. W. Shelley, a
rabble rouser in his formative years, he was a man who never shied away from
voicing his opinion, even when nobody was listening. But all things turn full
circle, and in 2014 Mark finally represented The MAD to play alongside his
fond admirer Mike Reeves [bad joke].
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Shitfaced An accurate and inventive
descriptive for the default state of most MAD Tourists.
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Shoulder Whinge, whinge, fucking
whinge. After getting his own way for years and being entrusted with the new
ball, David Emerson decided in 2014 that his shoulder was no longer up to the
task of bowling. It was all Mr Westmoreland’s fault for flogging him for all
these years apparently.
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Short
Sleeve Long Sleeved Jumper New to the MAD wardrobe was
this brilliant long sleeve jumper with no
long sleeves. In fact, it looked remarkably like the short sleeve variety. A
classic, must-have purchase back in the day from the Mooman.
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Shotley
Peninsula Venue of The MAD’s first game of the Ipswich Tour of
2023, the club proved itself a perfect host who totally got the friendly,
touring ethos. We will hopefully and definitely return one day if those two
words can be used in the same sentence?
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Showering
(Intimately) A classic MAD fine which seemed to gather momentum during
Season 2005. On showering after the game, or not showering as the case may
be, players were hammered at the Fines Committee for being ‘intimate’ with
fellow teammates. Was it really so bad to shower with Nick Hebbes?
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Shrewsbury A historic market town with a
medieval heritage boasting plenty of attractions and places to drink. Located
in Shropshire, it was the destination for Team MAD whilst on Tour in 2014,
but unfortunately things didn’t quite pan out that way… did they, Paddy?
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Shrewsbury
Flower Show One of the largest
horticultural events in England, and the very reason that The MAD’s notorious
Tour to Shrewsbury failed, after the B&B cancelled our bookings in favour
of the welly-wearing Good Life brigade.
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Shut
The Box A game of dice for one or
more players, commonly played in a group of two to four. It is particularly
popular with drunken tourists in the town of Ipswich who enjoy sitting in
pubs most the day getting pissed. with Traditionally, a counting box is used
with tiles numbered 1 to 9 where each can be covered with a hinged or sliding
mechanism, though the game can be played with only a pair of dice, pen, and
paper.
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Sidearm
Pro The ‘Sidearm Pro’ is a revolutionary throwing device than
when mastered can produce deliveries to test and challenge the very best of
batsmen. Needless to say, The MAD have found it nigh on impossible to
counter. It was purchased to assist guys struggling at nets with their
bowling and to help supplement knocking the batsman’s heads off.
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Sidmouth The Far from the MCC toured the region of Sidmouth, Devon
in 2010. It was an enjoyable and successful little trip – and on a few
occasions it didn’t piss down.
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Sidmouth
CC Despite touring the area and despite staying just 100
yards from the cricket ground, The MAD never played Sidmouth CC. Blame the
Tour organiser James Hoskins, who to be honest, never does anything for this
club anymore….
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Skip Club hedonist Ian C. Leggate regularly slept in skips
after a night on the lash. His preferred location was Jericho, where the
chances of skewering yourself on a heroin needle amongst the garbage and
flotsam are vastly reduced.
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Skittles Perennially linked with
FFTMCC Tours, a game of pub skittles is the connoisseur’s choice for the team
pisshead. You can drink as much as you like, play as badly as you want, and
even injure your teammates by lobbing large wooden balls at them whilst they
try to reset the skittles.
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Skittle
Alley (Place of Sleep) The Lamb & Flag on
Blagdon Hill, Minehead caters for all your alcoholic needs, but perhaps more importantly
you can stow your kitbag in the skittle alley and have a kip on it.
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Skoda
(Joy Riding Thereof) Several jokes have been trotted out over the years when
referring to the transportation of Team MAD. Back in 2003, Ian Howarth’s
acquisition of a largely shit Skoda would only add fuel to the fire.
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Sledging Not the act of travelling
downhill at speed on a toboggan, but the act of verbally abusing or
unsettling a batsman, in an attempt to make him lose concentration and give
his wicket away. Often offensive, occasionally amusing, always a topic of
conversation. Essex MADsters Steve Dobner [pictured] and his brother-in-law,
Gary Littlechild, are both wonderful exponents.
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Smug It
a rare thing to hear none of the team accused of being smug during a
post-match Fines Committee. Most of the team are smug, very smug, and some of
them are nauseatingly so. James Pearson is definitely the smuggest, who
singlehandedly gave rise to the fine of “extreme smugness”.
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Social
Secretary A notorious Club position
which is ratified each year at the end of season AGM. Nobody has ever been
successful in the role, largely down to the club’s indifference during the
off season, but Nick Hebbes once organised a trip to Lords. Failures in
office consist of T. P. W. Smith (sacked), Mr. A. Cavanagh (awol after
suggesting a trip to a lap dancing club), D. M. Edwards (resigned in hatred
of everyone) and the list just keeps going on…. Vicki Howarth was inducted in
the fall of 2014 followed by Chris Williams sometime after. Then, all of a
sudden … it all ended, considered a poisoned chalice. There is now no MAD
Social Secretary.
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Somerset
Darts A game of darts particular to areas of Somerset. The MAD
were exposed to this form of the game whilst touring in Minehead. Nobody
fully understands it other than the Chairman Matt Bullock – which may explain
why he nearly always wins….
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South
Africa Now that Quintin Sanders has
bowled for the FFTMCC, we can lay claim to another country. As a secondary
offence, he was also culpable for the ‘Broken Nets’ item found on another
page….
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Southsea The destination for the Tour of 2011 in Hampshire. The
team stayed at the Sandringham Hotel not far from the seafront and enjoyed
ample success – especially if you qualify losing as a form of success.
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Spam The nickname of Player #77 (Ian Howarth) and also a
reference to the volume of shit that is sent by team members to fellow
members each and every day. See “E-mail List” for further details. But yes,
Ian is one of the worst offenders by the way. Funny that.
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Spam’s
Bunny Mark Rundle is/was Ian Howarth’s (Spam) bunny. See
“Bunny” for further information relating to.
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Spiritualized Whilst
not strictly about cricket, this infamous Spiritualized bike has been used to
transport MAD cricketers to and from games for many years, although not that
many and not that many times. It’s more synonymous with being used
infrequently and subsequently sold by James Pearson to Ian Howarth, borrowed
by Jan Webster and then sold back to James by Ian after being used…
infrequently.
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Spond The
latest attempt in app form to have players reply to a simple “Y” or “N”
question when asked if they can play a game of fucking cricket (or not).
Introduced mid-season, because who doesn’t like having ANOTHER app to clog up
your phone, it was promptly broken by Jan who exceeded the daily limit on
updates with his YES, NO, YES, NO, NO YES, SORRY replies to each and every
game request.
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Sports
Direct See “Mike Ashley” – but the
UK’s No 1 Sports Retailer is forever linked with the legendary CEO.
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Stanton
St. John (SSJ) Stanton St. John is an
attractive civil parish to the northeast of Oxford. It is much more
attractive than the cricket ground which is regularly whored out to
interested parties towards the end of the season. It is also a great place to
showcase a heart attack and receive essential CPR from your opposition.
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Stogumber
Number (15) The term came about whilst The MAD were on Tour in 2003
and playing against Somerset side Stogumber CC. It would seem nearly
everything that happened that day would feature the number 15. See “15” for
further details.
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Stour
Provost A North Dorset cricket club that Toured to Oxford in July
of 2023. The MAD hosted them at Horspath CC in a match that will be
remembered for lots of drinking and a grandstand finale.
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Stratfield
Brake (KCC) How can anyone forget the soulless, windswept cricket
ground at Stratfield Brake? It became home to The MAD in 2008 after they were
usurped by the bursar at Pembroke. The partnership lasted just one year, but
thanks for the memories….
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Stripping Before the historic Zambuca Tigers match on Tour to
Brighton in 2021, a biblical downpour convinced a drunken Ian Howarth to
strip down to his briefs, run onto the wet outfield and check the wicket (as
you do).
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Stump
Cam Whilst guesting at Aston
Tirrold in 2016, The MAD were both intrigued and captivated by home player Mr
D. Kilcoyne’s DIY video coverage of the match. A stump cam was supplemented
by another view from atop the pavilion. Impressive indeed – capturing as it
did the shambolic dismissal of Andrew Darley.
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Stumps
(After Cricket Drinking Game) Notably played after the Tour
game at Shotley Peninsula in 2023 where players take it turns to down pints
of beer/cider and run to a planted cricket stump some 30 yards away or so.
Once there they must circle the stump a good number of times with both hands
pressed down, then run all the way back again without tumbling over or making
a twat of themselves.
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Suffolk Most definitely not to be
confused with the county of Norfolk under any circumstances, Suffolk is an
expansive patch of farmer’s land on the east coast of Britain. The MAD toured
East Anglia in 2018 and 2023 and upset most the local teams by writing about
Norfolk.
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Super
Strength Nope, not a reference to a member of the team with unreal
strength, but an in-joke referring to the alcohol percentage of lager quaffed
by the legendary Andrew Morley before, during and after a game. It was
chiefly responsible for the club investing in insurance.
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Sutton
Hoo The
site of two Anglo-Saxon cemeteries dating from the 6th and 7th centuries in
Suffolk, England. An archaeologists dream and a perfect respite from an
all-day drinking session with a cricket Tour party.
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Swindon Yep,
it’s a shithole and everyone from Oxford hates the place. Nonetheless, The
MAD contested matches against the (Swindon) Nomads from 2001 until 2014 (it
was a pub landlord thing apparently).
Actually,
in the year of the millennium (2000), The Jude travelled to Swindon to play
another pub team The Beehive, and they very nearly never came back…. |
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Tall
Bob Since
Chris Roberts joined the club back in 2010, The MAD have seemingly been
fixated with height. This fixation reached its nadir on Tour in Norfolk in
2012, where arguments raged over who was the tallest and who was the
smallest. A subsequent line up revealed Ian Howarth was the shortest, but he
decried the absence of Thornton Smith and Gary Timms (amongst others)…. All
very pathetic really and all Tall Bob’s fault. The fixation continues to this
day….
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Taylor
(Claire) Samantha Claire Taylor is an English cricketer and former
member of a highly successful England women’s team. The MAD were lucky enough
to meet Claire on their Tour of Louth in 2009, when she represented the
England ladies against a Louth CC Men’s XI for their grand opening of a new
pavilion.
She will be remembered fondly, not least because she
found time to talk to the lads and sign our book, but also because she agreed
to an impromptu salsa class from team regular Ian Leggate [whilst he was
drunk]. The
friendship was renewed in June of 2013, when Claire guested for her old
university pals, the Lemmings. It’s a small world, innit? |
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Telegraph
Pole On Tour in 2005, Ian Howarth somehow managed to score a
direct hit onto a telegraph pole when hitting a six out of Timberscombe
cricket ground. A muffled ‘thud’ was heard before the ball rebounded back
over a perimeter wall and back onto the pitch. Quite remarkable and deserving
of Champagne Moment at The MAD’s end of season bash.
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Telegraph
Pole 2 On Tour to Felixstowe in 2018 the team stopped off on
the way home at Reach CC. Here they found defunct telegraph pole in the
middle of the field, which when hit during a match would score or cost four
runs.
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Tennis Turning their hand to being
crap at most sports, The MAD decided to hold a men’s doubles competition
whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2005. With partners drawn at random, it was
vital you got a decent pairing, but Mike Clarke got Jake….
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Tesco
Badge For years the players of the Far from the MCC found
endless material to joke about relating to Steve Dobner’s employment at
corporate behemoth Tesco’s. Scarcely a day past by without someone grumbling
or joking about food prices, poorly stocked shelves and inadequate staffing
and customer service. When Steve eventually bit the bullet and left the company,
he also left his name badge behind at a MAD poker evening. This prized
possession now resides Howarth’s kitbag.
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Tesco
Value Brad Pitt Having joined the Far from
the MCC a good few years ago, David Emerson was amusingly compared to a
‘Tesco Value’ Brad Pitt. He may have been blessed with half-decent looks, but
his behaviour and social standing earned him his stripes (arf!)
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Terror.ism A reference to an iconic piece of graffiti which adorned
a wall flanking a council pitch at the Cowley Marshes. Venue to previous MAD
games, the team try to stay well clear of this depressing council pitch when
planning their fixtures. Also, see “Mural” for further details.
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Tetsworth South of Thame in Oxfordshire, the village will forever
be synonymous with one Hylam Shallow and a record team score of 358 piled
against a beleaguered FFTMCC bowling attack. As a footnote, Martin
Westmoreland scored a 50 in some end of season mud on our final visit in
2011.
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TFC An amusing and often used term, particularly in village
cricket, which describes somebody who has participated in a game but failed
to do anything of substance (i.e they
haven’t batted or bowled or caught anything). It stands for “Thanks For
Coming”.
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Thailand Formally known as Siam, the
Kingdom of Thailand in Southeast Asia is where the Emerson Bros go most
winters to lose their loads. We haven’t got any action
shots or images of scantily clad young ladies, so here is a Thai green curry
instead….
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Thigh
Pad (JJOCC) An artefact from the club’s halcyon days in the presumed
late 90’s – this moth eaten, and discoloured thigh pad was bought by Nick
Hebbes at a Club Auction (Ł6.00) at the 2011 AGM. It had resided in a
multitude of club kit bags over the years without anyone remembering actually
using it, save maybe to use as a head rest to enable better sleeping patterns
during one of Geoff Carter’s pulsating innings.
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Thomas
Tank Engine Thomas
doesn’t exist, he is a figment of Rev Wilbert Awdry’s mind. However, steam
trains that run on the West Somerset Rail line do exist, and they can
transport an entourage of pissed cricketers from Minehead to Stogumber (and
Watchet).
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“Throw
some money at it.” After a season of seismic underachievement in 2011, Mike
Reeves decided to “throw some money at it” [his batting] in the hope of rescuing
his reputation as a number 3 batsman. This included a personal trip to the
Dummer Cricket Centre where he could ignore any tips and decent coaching.
Still – Mike did coin a great term.
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Tim
Henman Nobody has actually met Mr. Henman per se, but he has
been seen a few times in the local pub (Chequers Inn) prior to games against
Astons CC. Tiger Tim lives just behind the trees at one end of the ground.
And no – nobody has yet hit a cricket ball into his estate.
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Timms
x 2 Not a reference to the two
ducks in one innings by our enigmatic all-rounder (of sorts), but a recent
scorebook which found Mr Timms bowling
twice against Wootton & Bladon in 2017. Or are there actually two
Gareth Timms in existence, who carefully slip in and out the team without
anyone noticing?
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Tina’s
Travel Tina’s Travel down in
Hampshire near the New Forest caters for all your travelling needs! They
provide an excellent 24hr service with 14 and 17-seater buses to ferry pissed
cricketers about … or at least that was the case for Tour 2015.
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Tintin
Tin Now legendary tin box which
came to prominence during the Covid blighted season of 2020. Since the
closure of pavilions prevented teams from enjoying cricket teas on a Sunday,
MAD players would instead huddle around Mike’s Tintin tin awaiting a slice of
flapjack that his missus had baked for the occasion.
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Toff Stump On
Tour to Hampshire in 2016, James Pearson was asked to concentrate his bowling
at Bramshaw CC on “toff stump”. Top of off stump? On a posh stump? On top of
a posh off stump? Fuck knows, you’d maybe need to consult with Mr Hotson as
to its truest meaning / origin – as he recalls it best.
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Toilet
Seat Never
to be forgotten, Ian Leggate skippered a game on Tour in 2011 with a toilet
seat medallion. We’re not quite sure what the locals thought at the time, or
whether it subsequently became a trend with the local yoot….
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Tonking A fairly common term to describe giving, or in our case
usually receiving, a substantial stuffing in a game of cricket. It was a
much-loved term for Aussie Antony G. Mann and gave rise to its big brother,
namely the “uber-tonking”.
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Top
Trumps (MAD) As a special surprise for the team of the end of season
2009 AGM, Ian Leggate and James Hoskins engineered a pack of MAD Top Trump
cards based on players past and present to have represented the club. The
cards were a roaring success on the night, even if players are still arguing
to this day about their “Drinking Ability” and “Self Importance” ratings.
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Top
Trumps (MAD) – Part II Four years after the first set of MAD Top Trumps came
this infinitely inferior set which was distributed at the 2013 AGM.
Containing a good few more cards, but of considerably shitter quality and no
distinguishable cover card, Part Deux received a mixed reaction before
Treasurer, Mr Reeves, dubbed it “a complete waste of club resources and a
shocking investment”.
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Top
Stumps (MAD) – Part III The third incarnation of The MAD’s line of card packs,
Russ Turner produced this superior and updated pack for the 2021 AGM. A pack
of these beauties can be yours for a fiver, so simply contact the club
(whilst stocks last).
(
Link to Club Info and Email at Footer ) |
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Tour
Driver Any of the MAD tourists who volunteer for driving
duties (whilst on Tour), will automatically be awarded a place in the team
for the final scheduled game. This is to avoid waiting about without the
option of a drink (or ten).
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Tour
TFC A
legendary effort is to rock up on Tour and play no cricket and simply drink.
First performed by Martin Westmoreland on the trip to Hythe & Dibden in
2016.
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Tour
TFC II A
legendary effort is to rock up on Tour and play no cricket and simply drink.
Salad did appear in whites on the Tour to Brighton in 2021, he kept wicket
and did pretty much fuck all and subsequently did his calf.
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Tour
TFC III A
SUPER legendary effort is to rock up on Tour and play no cricket and NOT
drink, as was the case with Mark Rundle in 2022 when the team toured the Isle
of Wight. Psycho was recovering at the time from dying on the field in May.
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Train A
preferred mode of transport for Tour for the pissheads and giant mallards
within the team and used to great success for the trip to Weston-Super-Mare.
See also “Thomas Tank Engine”.
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Train
Fence In
2013, after several balls disappeared from view behind a hedgerow and down a
grass embankment, Team MAD plugged the hole with a plastic fence they
borrowed from the local crčche. This building doubled as the pavilion at
Cassington.
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Trouble
(at the Offices) Back in 2006, under the fresh
stewardship of MAD Captain Mr. I. Howarth, the annual fixture against the OU
Offices descended into a nasty spat. It centred on OU batsman Silky being
bowled by Mr S. L. P. Dobner and then being given a colourful send off. Frank
words were exchanged between various parties regarding a car park, and for
the following few weeks Ian would be dealing with the subsequent fallout from
OU player Joe Organ via email. A slice of said transcript detailed below….
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Tri-game
Tournament Back in 2009, the FFTMCC
expanded a Sunday fixture against Wootton & Boars Hill CC to include the
“touring” OU Offices. The latter’s tour had fallen apart and as such they
were forced into a last-minute Tour to… erm, Oxfordshire. The format of the
day became a Tri-game T15 affair with the eventual winners being nobody as
the final was tied.
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Tumble
Drier After being hauled around Oxfordshire for years, pissed
on by feral dogs and being taken on many a booze-soaked Tour, it finally came
to the time for Giant Duck to receive a decent wash after the Cumnor game of
2020.
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Turf
Tavern Famed academic watering hole in the very heart of
Oxford City Centre, the Turf Tavern served as base camp for getting carted
for the Battisford touring game of 2017. Please note: the result was not a good one.
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Twelfth
Man If MAD Fantasy Cricket wasn’t convoluted enough,
competition orchestrator Mr Hoskins decided on adding a “12th man” option to
any entrant’s team (in addition to 3 batsmen, 3 bowlers and a keeper). These
eight individuals must not exceed 130 points in valuation.
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Twinkle Stephen Dobner’s first work of fiction (under his
nickname), thought lost after going out of circulation in the early 80s, was
rediscovered in a central Oxford street market by teammate Mr Rundle. Still
in a relatively modest condition with slight signs of wear and tear, it more
than earns its place on the MAD website.
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Twinkling An amusing reference to a player who is showing signs of
anger and irritation. Barrow Boy Steve Dobner, nicknamed “Twinkle”, could be
found demonstrating the art on Sunday afternoons back in the day (when he
bothered to play of course). See also “Nutcase”.
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U-bend Following some insipid weather whilst on Tour in 2003,
The MAD organised a Cricket ‘Pairs’ Competition after sourcing a pitch but no
opponent. During the “fun”, Martin Westmorland smashed a delivery off Ian
Howarth clean out the park. The ball would later be relocated having finally
come to rest under the U-bend of the pavilion toilet.
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Ugly
(Incident) Let’s have this right … Tall
Bob is far from ugly, being a handsome giant of a man. However, on the Tour
to Brighton in 2021, he would decide in his infinite wisdom to field a ball
off his own bowling by using his head (as opposed to his hands). Still, if
there was one positive, he did save 4 runs … albeit in doing so was fined for
a dropped catch.
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Umbrella An iconic image from 2013,
which remains carved into the collective MAD subconscious, is that of Gary
Timms holding a striped umbrella over the bedraggled Wootton & Bladon CC
scorer, Derek Hambridge. The match was a joke on many levels, but at least it
gave up one of the greatest match reports (and photos).
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Unbelievable Can
anyone quite believe just how the final match of the season finished
against Isis CC on September 8, 2013? It
was Mr. Westmoreland’s final game in charge after five long years, with the
team securing a quite astonishing 2 run victory after Isis batsman, Nick
Wyatt, stood on his stumps hitting the winning boundary. Utterly
unbelievable.
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Utter
Pisshead Not that many of the club’s members are exempt from being
labelled utter pissheads, but none of them have quite achieved the
benchmark set by Mr Thorburn. Back in the day, Mike would regularly drink his
own bodyweight in ale, and that was before the match.
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