MAD Glossary “J – Q”
*
Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which
was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub
team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a
clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club
was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and
lingo were alien to the unacquainted. Fast forward to a pandemic riddled 2021 and after an annually exhaustive
MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly
most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all
contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone
into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore. |
*
James
Cordon An amusing reference to finding James Hoskins and James
Pearson forming a cordon in the Gully area of the field one day. It is a very
near pronunciation of TV writer and producer extraordinaire, James Corden. |
James
Pearson (Pads) Endlessly smug, Mr Pearson
likes to blame his pads every time he his caught. |
James
Pearson (Bat) Of course, it hasn’t always been the fault of his pads, a few years ago
his ineptitude was fault of his bat. |
Jericho
(Tavern) Residing near the Oxford
Canal, Jericho has proven a regular haunt for many a MAD player past and present.
It boasts an excellent selection of pubs (including the Jude the Obscure) and
of course one entitled the Jericho Tavern. |
Jordan
Hill Home cricket ground to the
Oxford University Press, The Mad have been playing there since the halcyon
days of yore. |
Jude
the Obscure Original home to the Far from the MCC in Jericho (then
playing under the name of the pub). The landlord Noel P. Reilly was
instrumental in financing and forming the cricket team back in 1998. The MAD stayed under his sponsorship until 2002, whereby
they upped sticks and followed him to his next public house venture – the
“Far from the Madding Crowd” in central Oxford (now sadly closed). |
Jude
the Obscure 2 It transpires that Headington Quarry CC have more in
common with The MAD’s old stomping ground. Their opening batsman (Tim Bailey)
is the current landlord and their fixture secretary
drinks there most weekends. |
Juke
Box (Tour) The Tour juke box from the 2003
/ 2004 MAD cricket Tours to Minehead. It was an investment aimed squarely at
bringing to fruition, Nick Hebbes’ wonderful idea of serenading players going
out to bat to their own theme tune. An excellent idea in theory, but nobody
seems to remember any of these theme tunes ever being played – if indeed
these they were even burnt on CD. It did find a use however, enabling Tour
members to listen to proper cricket matches on 5 Live whilst on the piss. |
Katy
(Cider) A Somerset cider brewed by Thatchers, which became
notorious after sparking a club brawl in the Far from the Madding Crowd pub
in the fall of 2003. The shameful occurrence also ruined a book launch by
team novelist, Antony G. Mann. The culprits will remain anonymous,
however, Steve Dobner, Ian Howarth and Thornton Smith were all involved. There is no incriminating
photos, so here is one of the lads getting pissed. |
Kettle Quips are often made at cricket teas regarding avoiding
scolding oneself when near a kettle. This joke refers back
to the Tour of 2004 (Minehead), when Jake Hotson ended up in casualty after
badly scolding himself. In his infinite wisdom, he figured on making a cuppa
whilst totally inebriated at silly o’clock in the morning. |
Kev No, not the type of individual who goes around and the
town centre in a souped up car pumping trashy techno
beats out his windows (whilst perving at any girl over the age of 12).
Instead, the name refers to the formative Groundsman at Pembroke College
Sports Ground – who lovingly [sic] prepared teas and pitches for The MAD. |
Kidlington
CC (Stratfield Brake) When
the bursar of Pembroke College decreed the Far from the MCC could no longer
make use of their ground in 2008, Kidlington CC were generous enough to allow
The MAD to make use of one of their pitches at Stratfield Brake. Soulless
and out of the city centre, The MAD only played there for the one season
(thank god). |
Kit
Bag (Team) For
years club members have argued about the team kit bag. Who should look after
it? What contents should be in it? Do we even fucking
need one? In fact, at one stage, the team kit was split between two bags… and
then, inexplicably, a third…. Thankfully,
rationality returned in 2011 and the majority of the
contents were sold off to individual members of the team. Now there is just
one kit bag again. |
Kings
Arms Centrally
located watering hole in Oxford City Centre, which formed the backdrop to
pre-game drinks for a Battisford Touring XI played out at Mansfield Road in
2017. |
Kitten On
Tour in Norfolk in 2012, members of the team out on the piss
discovered a lost kitten trying to make home in a pub. It was refused
accommodation due to setting alarms off, so would have to have fended for
itself on a main road surrounded by lager louts and feral dogs. We
couldn’t have that, so rescued and re-homed him.
Sadly, Billy as he became known, passed away in 2015. |
Kookaburra
Bat (Dan Edwards) Back in the day, before Mr D. M. Edwards fled the sinking
ship which was the Marlborough House, he used to go
around bashing Oxford bowling attacks with his Freddie Flintoff emblazoned
Kookaburra bat. It had a beautiful middle despite being of a slightly
irregular shape – and we remember him top-edging Ian Howarth’s military
medium dross for six at Pembroke. Later, after Dan joined The MAD,
his prized instrument of war split at the base. It was discarded in a huff
amongst some long grass by a pitch, later to be retrieved by the same Mr
Howarth. It now has pride of place in Ian’s summerhouse along with an
assortment of broken willows. |
KP Like
Marmite, you either love or hate him – and the players of The MAD seem to
spend an overly long time arguing about him. Do you really want his full
name…?? Now he’s retired you get to argue about his
contributions on BT Sport. |
Lamb
and Flag This centrally located Oxford
pub is a regular haunt to team members and has also hosts regular Committee
Meetings. It was also venue to a book launch by Matt Bullock (about Oxford
pubs). The pub is under threat of St
John’s College closure. |
Lefties Left
handed batsman have always been in short supply for The
MAD. So much so, they are considered something of a wonder. Currently there
are two specimens within the ranks, one with a small head (Mr L. G. Ainsworth
– left) and one with a large head (Mr M. K. Reeves – right). |
Lennie Lenny is a fictional
character who looks much like the FFTMCC’s tallest cricketer, Mr C. D.
Roberts. He came to prominence on Tour in 2015, attending two games with his
mate, George, and playing in the one. |
Leon Leon suffers from ginger
pubes. He does apparently. I have no idea who the fuck
Leon is or the why, but this revelatory fact was announced on Tour to
Minehead in 2017 by Mark Rundle. |
Lighthouse The famous red and white striped lighthouse which players
visited after their Tour game against Happisburgh CC, Norfolk in 2012. |
Line
(“The line is mine!”) July of 2006 threw up the now classic phrase “the line is
mine!” This quote, uttered with increasing volume by wicket keeper Gary
Littlechild, was in reference to a stumping appeal
where the batsmen’s back foot was on the line (and therefore not grounded in
his crease and therefore OUT). To Gary’s fury, the batsman would survive the appeals,
but the incendiary incident would be forever etched into MAD folklore. |
Lords Home
of cricket and home to a posse of Madsters in 2007 when watching a T20
between Middlesex and Essex. It was a fun day out on the piss
and some of the group can even remember the cricket. Andrew Strauss probably
remembers the game quite well – as he was relentlessly sledged from the
terraces by an addled Ian Howarth. |
Lost
Ball One
of the most regular sights when the Far from the MCC are bowling – is that of
a lost ball. |
Louth Home
to The MAD’s volatile Steve Parkinson – renegade office worker turned
fulltime farmer turned corporate whore. Steve
organised the Tour to the area in 2009, where he exposed the group to the
England women’s cricket team, a man who had never lost a fight, and a shit nightclub where you got your face kicked in. |
Louth
Changing Rooms Placard On the Tour of Louth, the changing rooms of the recently
opened London Road Pavilion where signposted by a very smartly designed
placard bearing the team’s name. The sign was subsequently stolen and now
emblazons the team’s scorebook folder. |
Louth
Ladies Because Dave Shorten and Ian Leggate never shut up about
Louth ladies on Tour in 2009, the term appears here. The duo even coined a
song about them too, but the details of that ballad remain solely unto them.
During the stay, the England Ladies cricket team played a match…. |
Lymington The original destination of
Tour 2015, a picturesque little town sat on the west bank of Lymington River
on the Solent. The MAD did visit the place for a quick pint before playing
their final match, but never actually stayed there due to another classic
Paddy Mellor reorg. |
Mac Whatever the fuck up,
whenever Mr Hoskins makes a mess of calculating the new standings in the
Fantasy Cricket, it’s the same old story… “It’s my
new Mac….” Maybe buy a PC, dude? |
Madolymps The phrase given to the MAD Tour Olympics of Sidmouth
2010. The competition, devised by Tour organiser James Hoskins, was intended
as an off-field entertainment and companion to the cricket itself. Comprising
five varying events spread across several days (including MAD Top Trumps,
Fennel Flinging, Coin Tossing, Frisbeer and Spot The
Mongoose), the participants played for a prize new Mongoose bat. Inaugural
winner Ian Howarth presented the bat back to James as a thank you from the
team for organising Tour. |
[The]
MAD Shortened team name for the Far from the MCC. The club
used to be based (and sponsored) at the Far from the Madding Crowd pub in the
centre of Oxford, hence “Mad or MAD” being short for “Madding”. Despite rebranding as the Far from the MCC in the fall of
2005, the club has retained that moniker. Some would say quite apt. |
MAD
Scoreboard After the Oxford county
council came up trumps by fucking yet another game
of cricket at Cutteslowe Park due to an absence of anything (stumps, bails,
keys to the pavilion etc), club dogsbody Russ Turner decided on engineering
the club’s own scoreboard. |
[The]
Magdalen Home pub and sponsor to the FFTMCC through seasons 2006
and 2007 (thanks to then landlord, Ben). It is based on the Iffley Road and
unsurprisingly has undergone an extensive makeover in our absence, to become
a much-respected gastro pub. |
Maidenhead The place Andrew Darley mistakenly thought he was in one
night whilst searching for his room key (Minehead 2017). |
Maidstone The fictional Tour that The
MAD went on in 2017 as researched by Russ Turner. |
Marlborough
House The name refers to a now defunct opposition who were
based at a now defunct Marlborough House pub off the Abingdon Road. The MAD
enjoyed regular (and very vocal) contests with the Marlborites over the
years, and it was noted with great sadness when they disbanded at the end of
2005. Honourable to the last, The MAD were quick to pillage
their club contacts and a couple of their best players. Life goes on as they
say…. |
Marsh
Harrier Another regular watering hole for Club MAD and a pub
which has provided hospitality after many a match at nearby grounds (Jesus
College, Cowley Marshes etc). It was also the venue for the Club’s ill-fated
Decadilly Day in 2007. The links to the pub are numerous, with the Marsh Harrier
also providing opposition back in the day – skippered by the late and great
Adrian J. Fisher in 2001. |
Mathematical
Genius There is only one true mathematical genius to represent
The MAD and that is Mr Jake Hotson. Professor Stephen Hawking couldn’t tie his shoelaces, that said…. |
McKno’s
Bunny Most FFTMCC batsman who faced the sprightly swing bowling
of Carl McKno (Appleton CC) could lay claim to being his ‘bunny’. These days they don’t,
as Carl left the parish under a dark cloud. |
Me
and Geoff Idiotic and right-wing meanderings from the pen of ‘Me’
which feature in Club Ramblings from time to time. |
Medi
Duck The third mascot ‘duck’ to join the fringes of The MAD.
No one is quite sure where Medi[um] Duck originated from, but he/she is
thought to have first appeared sometime whilst on Tour to f______ T______ in
2014. Again, this duck is also now thought lost. |
Mega
Ball A lightweight football of
excessive size, Mega Ball was booted around Minehead in 2017. It was last
seen in the hands of some small child at the end of the game. |
Megaphone An excellent stage prop found
in the Brasenose pavilion by David Emerson. It was used for commentary during
a match against Iffley Village CC in 2018. |
Mel
& Kim No, not the British pop duo from the 80’s, but the
respective wives of Martin Westmoreland and Steve Dobner (Mel on the right in
the below photo). |
Mental
Breakdown In terms of team members finding themselves on the dark
and decidedly slippery slide of mental health, the FFTMCC would probably
benefit from including a shrink on the club payroll. |
MG Every week back in the day, some lucky punter would get
to ride in James Hoskins’ sporty MG to a cricket match. Alas, this perk all
came to an end when his car spontaneously combusted after he parked the
exhaust too close to some flower beds at work. |
Midge Dave Shorten’s rambling hound
accompanies him to many a MAD match. She soon disappears away from the crappy cricket, instead looking for muntjacs and rabbits. Can’t say we blame her…. |
Mike
Ashley Russell
Turner’s other self. His doppelganger who came to prominence on Tour to
Minehead in 2017. |
Mincing On June 11, 2006 – the Milton CC wicketkeeper noted
club snob, Steve Parkinson, had a rather lar-dee-dar run up when he bowled.
He amusingly likened it to “mincing” (affectedly dainty in manner or gait).
Thereafter, the nickname “Mincer” was subsequently appropriated to Steve and
his club apparel. |
Minehead The Far from the MCC toured the Minehead region of
Somerset for three consecutive years starting in 2003. They formed some close
bonds which were reignited in 2017. The team plans to return
again in 2019. |
Mini James Hoskins has invested in many a car over the
years, helping to transport fellow team members to games. However
his last purchase, a Mini, was a wasted investment – the engine was shot and
storage space for kit bags at a premium. Must try better, JMO…. |
Moaning There is nothing better than
a good fucking moan and this club more than any
other has embraced it over the years.
In recent years, levels of moaning have increased to record levels,
with performances on the field dipping conversely. |
Mobility
Scooter The vehicle of choice for
those Butlins residents suffering from the debilitating illness
iateallthepiesitis, causing an inability to travel any distance over 10
metres using their own feet. We don’t have a photo
to hand, so here is some prick on a stair lift…. |
Moo A common term in cricket for an agricultural smear of the
ball [leg-side slog] to the mid-wicket area of the cricket pitch. The MAD’s
master of the Moo, Martin Westmoreland has subsequently copyrighted the
stroke. |
Moo
Bats In 2011 at Oxenford CC, Martin Westmoreland revealed his
own brand of cricket bat – “The Moo Range”. These consisted of three imported
bats from India of unknown pedigree, each with its own very inimitable
sticker. |
Mongoose
Bat A seemingly revolutionary new bat which was conceived
with the introduction of T20 cricket (and subsequently forgotten about). It
apparently gives an attacking advantage to the batsman, hitting faster, harder and further. It resembles a paddle rather than a
bat and doubles The MAD fines of anyone using it. |
Mumbles The MAD toured the South Wales area of Mumbles in 2008.
It never stopped raining. Well, it did relent on a few occasions – enough for
the team to lose a couple of games of cricket. However, it will be that
horrendous weather that sticks long in the memory…. |
Mural There
are many outstanding murals in the world – colourful, tasteful
and iconic. The mural at the Cowley Marshes was none of those. In fact, it wasn’t even a mural as such, just shite metre high
graffiti daubed on a wall by the side of the cricket field. MAD players
referred to it as a ‘mural’ out of cynical affection, and thus it was until
the council painted over it. |
Museum An
online page devoted to the exhibition and educational interpretation, of
objects which had some significance to the Far from the MCC. The webpage was
dissolved back in 2016 after it was merged with this far superior collection
of shit known as ‘The Glossary’. |
Natch
(Cider) Another cider, this time brewed in Bristol by Matthew
Clark. The Mad discovered its disembodying effects whilst on Tour in the
Minehead in 2003. It quickly became the staple diet for several players,
leading to a distinct loss of form and coherence. |
(The
Lord) Nelson The
de facto capital of drinking for the beer lout / meat head in the Hythe &
Dibden area of Hampshire. Ramming with disco dollies at the weekend, the
establishment is well versed in a great punch up which inevitably spills out
onto the street. The MAD felt most at home there on the Tours of 2015 and 2016. |
Nervous
Nineties A term to describe the
psychological pressure on a batsman knowing he is approaching a century. Ian
Howarth has fallen in the nineties a few times, but he’s
too dumb to have felt nervous. Dave Emerson also – but equally too dumb. So
maybe it should be the “Dumb Nineties?” |
Nest Nope, nothing to do with birds or trees, this term is
used to describe a MAD netting session (or net). An email informing the
players of an upcoming net back in 2005, was misspelled as “nest” – and
predictably has become the saying ever since. |
Never
at This Level A divisive, twentieth season celebratory book released
in June of 2018. Written by several hands and now sold on Amazon for the
rough equivalent of two pints of beer in Oxford. |
Newbery
County Pads Another lot from the Kit Auction of the 2011 AGM, these right handed pads were won by James Pearson for the
princely sum of £20. Not much is known about them other than they probably
came into being after the club re-branded itself in 2005 to the FFTMCC. |
Newcastle
FC See “Mike Ashley” for further
details. Or any photo of Russ Turner circa 2017 (and most likely onwards). |
New
Zealand Club founder Ed Lester emigrated to New Zealand during
the fall of 2004 and is now involved with Heathcote CC (see the “Links”
page). The home of Lord of the Rings was also the home of David and
Danial Emerson (Invercargill). |
No
LBW (law) T20
matches versus Blewbury & Upton CC are contested without the LBW law
being taken into consideration. It has been a divisive ruling over the years
and indeed instigated much comment and disagreement. |
No-MAD When the team left the Far from the Madding Crowd in
2004, they essentially became nomadic after failing to secure a new home pub.
In essence, they were no longer “Madding”, but “No-Mad”. Therefore, for the
season of 2005, many of the match reports refer to the team as The No-Mad and
not The MAD. Simples. |
Norfolk Glorious
weather accompanied The MAD throughout their Tour of Norfolk in 2012.
Regardless of the cricketing results, many great memories were had by all those
who made the effort. |
Nostalgia As
knees, hips and backs become increasingly knackered, and performances slide
into the utterly forgettable, team members increasingly draw on nostalgia
(when they were useful). |
“Not
at This Level” A quote made famous by ex-captain, Ed Lester, to describe
his shock and disgust at being awarded lbw in friendly games of
cricket (read Sunday cricket). Notwithstanding Ed standing adjacent to his
stumps (on appeal), he would take an age to walk back to the pavilion
bitterly complaining about the injustices in the world. The phrase would
subsequently be used as the title for The MAD’s first (and far superior)
published book in 2008. |
Not
Fit For Purpose It perfectly describes any number of Far from the MCC
players on the Sunday morning before a match. Tour is worst, where a head
count is undertaken each day to find those who can play cricket. |
Nurdle An amusing reference to
describe a batsman nudging the ball around into gaps, usually for a quick
single or, erm… a non-run. Antony “Doc” Mander is/was a revered exponent of
this shot and helped bring the word into MAD lingo. |
Nutcase Every club has one. An enforcer – there to stand up for
the team in the heat of battle, or the heat of the car park. Mr Dobner used
to carry out any MAD off-field impropriety, with a preference for using his
forehead and/or wardrobe door to finalise matters. |
Obsessional Chairman Matt Bullock (left),
Ian Howarth (below) and Gary Timms are all obsessed with stats. |
OCCSCC In
2016, the FFTMCC played the OCCSCC in the final of the Friendly Cup. A team
of equally long abbreviated lettering, but with more C’s
in their name (no pun intended). They were actually a
jolly good bunch, apart from the fact they won, with a few ringers, one of
which scored all their runs. Bastards. |
Offices
(OU) A shortened term referring to the Oxford University
Offices, whose cricket team have competed against The MAD for many years. A
strong bond now exists between the two teams and pre-season nets are often
shared. The relationship has become so good in recent years, that
the Far from the MCC have now swiped most their best players and left the
club to shit. |
Oops
Ball The Oops Ball was attributed to Steve Hebbes, who used
the delivery to devastating effect during his brief tenure playing for The MAD.
A typical Oops Ball would bounce twice before reaching the batsman, rarely
getting off the ground (a “grass cutter” or “grubber” if you will) and often
striking the base of the stumps to a shout of “oops” from his teammates. |
One
Show Like
children at a Birthday party, an excitable MAD entourage gatecrashed the
BBC’s One Show being hosted on the Weston-Super-Mare seafront in 2013. With
an enthusiastic crowd, some fantastic weather paid homage to presenter Alex
Jones’ most fetching custard attire. But
sod Alex (oo-err), here is a photograph of the One Show bus instead…. |
Open
Top Bus (Celebration) In
advance of the Friendly Cup Final against OCCSCC in 2016, Team MAD had
already discussed an inevitable victory and had tasked their Treasurer with
finding out the costs of hiring an open top bus to conduct a celebration.
Contemptible arrogance of the highest order. Of course
we fucking lost. The plan is shelved going forward…. |
Orwell
Hotel During their stay in Felixstowe in 2018, The MAD were
more than catered for by a Victorian hotel dating all the way back to 1898.
Happy to report is has been modernised in the intervening years. |
Padded
Up (Bob) For some reason, Mr Roberts always appears to be padded
up and waiting to bat. Even though he is the perennial number eleven. Shit
batting line up? Maybe. Lack of confidence in his fellow batsman? Maybe. But,
whilst he sits there with his pads, he somehow exudes a passive calm which
envelopes his team mates – reassuring them
everything is okay. |
Paddle No, not an implement to spank someone on the buttocks –
and not to be confused with a paddle-scoop as popularised by Sri
Lankan Tillekartne
Dilshan in ODI cricket. No, the paddle is the staple diet of Steve
Dobner – where a swivel of the hip precedes a wristy flick-type thing, which
normally sees the ball dribble away for a single (or two). Boring to watch, but unusually effective, this stroke can be used
against balls of any direction and / or any length (apparently). |
Pandemic Starting out as some little cough outbreak being the
bamboo curtain, the coronavirus would become a global pandemic and force the
UK into lockdown for much of 2020. The result of which was a seriously
curtailed cricket season which didn’t get started
until an evening slogfest at Middleton Stoney on the evening of July 15. |
Pappa
Gilkes Now into his dotage, serial
fatherer, Roger Gilkes still keeps wicket for
Appleton CC and is still assured at distracting you with his constant
observations whilst you bat. He is rumoured to have sired more boys than
Pappa Lemming. |
Pappa
Lemming Now into his dotage, serial
fatherer, Tom Baker – not be confused with the dude in a Tardis – still
boasts of playing for the Lemmings and never once being on the losing side
against The MAD. He was last seen at Cutteslowe Park where he bowled Dobner
for 3. |
Pembroke
College Ahh, The MAD’s first spiritual home – Pembroke College Sports
Ground just off the Abingdon Road, Oxford. The ground will always be
remembered for being flanked by towering trees whispering in the wind, an
idyllic environment. It also housed a decrepit pavilion and a groundsman
(Kev) who hated sport and made Airfix models to pass the time. The MAD played
their last game at Pembroke in the fall of 2007. |
Penguins
Stopped Play (Book) Another lot which was flogged during an auction at
the 2011 AGM, Harry Thompson’s “PSP” had somehow found its way to the bottom
of one of the club’s numerous kit bags. Still in relatively decent condition,
it was signed by all the team members present on the night and sold to Dave
Emerson for £15.50. It’s just a shame it wasn’t ever
translated into Maori. |
Pickled Or
else known as pissed. It’s
what Sunday pub cricket team aspires to. Nothing more to add really…. |
Pie Not
to be confused with the mathematical symbol [Pi]. In cricket, it is the hors
d’oeuvres of the “pie chucker” – the ubiquitous lobber of a cricket ball (pie
or flan or some other delicate pastry). |
Pie
Chucker Aah, the beloved term given to the slow bowling
department of The MAD. Nobody is quite sure where the term was initially
realised, but it is common to hear it in village circles up and down the
country. A pie chucker should not be confused with somebody who spins the
ball (a spinner), as often the guiles and ways of a pie chucker depend more
on shit batting than anything else (luring the
batsman into a wild slog as he watches the bowler lob a slow appetising
sausage roll towards him). |
Pie
Denial Aah, some ‘spinners’ or ‘slow
bowlers’ are incandescent when they labelled a ‘pie chucker’. This form of
cricketing ignorance is known as “pie denial”. In their own mind they are
match winning ripper of the ball, but in reality…. |
Pizzas
(Phoenix) If you want a pizza then
there is only one place to go to get a pizza, and that is Phoenix Wood Fired
Pizzas. This culinary enterprise was the dreamchild of James and Polly
Hoskins and is also responsible for the former not arriving on Tour 2018 on
time. A link to their website can
be found on the home page of this equally brilliant website. |
Piece
of Shit A
simple use of three words to describe the car James Hoskins acquired off his
mother a few years ago. It was intended as a temporary solution to his
transportation problems to matches following a yearlong globetrotting sabbatical, but ended up as a less than dignified long
term option. Shame on the man. |
Pikey’s A pejorative slang
term used in England and Ireland, used originally to refer to Irish
travellers. However, on Tour in 2005, The MAD hijacked the term to label
players Jake Hotson, Thornton Smith and Mike Clarke.
It referred to their dishevelled appearance after several days on the piss and the acute need of a bath and new wardrobe. |
Pink
Ball First seen during a T20
versus Wroxeter Grove CC on Tour in 2014. So, impressed by its visibility in
poor light, The MAD have subsequently invested heavily in them. |
Pink
Gay Hat The recipient of the pink gay hat was someone who
dropped a catch whilst on the Tour to Eastbourne in 2007. The item is now
thought sadly lost…. |
Pink
Tape Mr
Reeves championed some (pink) support tape for his fuckered knee in 2016.
Allegedly providing stability for muscles, joints and tendons, the makers
simply prey on those gullible enough to believe it actually
does any good. |
Pink
Visor Since Paddy Mellor’s inception into MAD ranks following a
big money transfer from the OU Offices, he has become synonymous for his
sparkling pink visor. It is in stark contrast to his batting…. |
Pirate
Golf A feature of nearly every MAD Tour is a crazy golf
course. In recent times the emphasis has been placed on finding a Pirate
Golf course. Intricate and cleverly designed, these pirate golf courses
are the connoisseur’s choice when balancing a day on the piss
with some low-key competition. |
Pissed
Asleep As
the alcohol slowly courses around the body, the incumbent slowly drifts into
the world of the subconscious. Watching Geoff Carter bat causes a similar
effect. |
Pisshead Not many of The MAD squad members are exempt from being
labelled a pisshead, but back in 2009, new recruit
David Emerson raised the bar to a whole new level by collapsing pissed and
asleep whilst playing away against Cholsey CC. |
Pissing
(Urination) A
common site at most FFTMCC matches is that of a group of males in cricket
whites, stood with their backs towards you, hands hidden from view, as they
water the nearby bushes. |
Pissing
Frenzy On
the long walk up to Stogumber’s ground in 2017, following a two-hour drinking
marathon on a steam train, the touring party took it turns to water the
surroundings. |
Piss-up According
to the urban
Dictionary, a piss-up is basically
a social gathering or full-blown party organised intentionally to get drunk.
A piss-up could therefore be used
to describe any Far from the MCC annual general meeting and / or Tour. It
could also be used to describe a typically abject Mad batting display. |
Piss
Stop Whenever
it becomes just too much, and you have to leave the
field. Darned that pre-match pint…. |
Plane
Crash Whenever,
and wherever, the Far from the MCC play, they liberally distribute their
kitbags [and loads of other assorted shit] to all
parts of the ground. It is a scene very reminiscent of a plane crash – albeit
without the acrid smell of jet engine oil. Some would say the smell of their
kitbags is worse…. |
Platinum
(Duck) You have scooped a platinum duck if you are
dismissed to the first ball of the innings. Dan Edwards, Ian Howarth, Jake
Hotson and James Hoskins share this dubious accolade. An honourable failure
of epic proportions. |
Platypus
Speed Sensor Ball This garish cricketing oddity made its debut back in
2006, after Mr J. D. Hoskins became obsessed with finding out how quick
members of the team were bowling and how hard they were hitting the ball. It
was definitely an intriguing item, but when Jake
Hotson was clocked bowling sharper than Waqar Younis, it was soon relegated
to the depths of the kit bag never to be taken seriously again. |
Plinth Due to a rash of outbursts from teammates containing the
“C” word, former skipper Mr J. D. Hoskins, demanded the word replaced by
“plinth” instead. The silly old plinth has now extended this request
when in the confines of his house. |
Plough
Inn (Appleton) Regular haunt of the FFTMCC
before and after matches in Appleton. The Plough has a decent smattering of
ales and ciders, good food and extensive gardens back and front. It also has
table lamps which you can drag and smash onto the floor if you’re
called James Hoskins. We don’t
have a photo to hand, so here are some of the lads getting pissed. |
Plumb When a batsman is clearly and
unequivocally LBW, he is said to be plumb LBW. Before club founder Ed
Lester left The MAD for pastures new, he would regularly give demonstrations
of the plumb LBW decision. Shuffling awkwardly in his crease and
missing a ball of good length ball on middle stump – Eddie was routinely plumb
LBW. Even if it was “at this level” (standard). |
Poet Andrew Morley was the club’s incumbent (and award
winning) poet back in the day. He was equally proficient at consuming strong
levels of alcoholic lager and writing excellent verse about it. A true
multitasking maverick in every sense. |
Poetic
Match Sadly missed by those who were
lucky enough to know him back in the day, Andrew Morley was most definitely unique. In 2008 he detailed
a match against R. T. Harris in his own inimitable and brilliant way. The
report/poem needs referencing and it most definitely needs remembering…. ( Link to
Match Report / Poem ) |
Policeman’s
Helmet A symbolic item from The MAD’s 2005 Tour of Minehead. The
actual investor of the helmet is unknown, but it was famously sported by Jake
Hotson when skippering against Stogumber CC – quoting “I’m the authority
around here.” |
Policewomen’s
Hats They
couldn’t find any policeman’s helmets in Weston-Super-Mare,
so Thornton Smith and Mark Rundle invested in Juliet Bravo-esque hats for
their non-playing roles (managing whilst pissed) against WSMCC. |
Pooley
(Senior) Team mascot and occasional captain of the Wootton &
Bladon cricket team. The MAD have enjoyed a love hate relationship with Steve
Poole since their inaugural bust up in 2003. Now older, Steve is generally to be found sat about the
boundary concentrating his energies on the afternoon teas. |
Pool
System A much-maligned invention first debuting in 2005 by Tour
Skipper Jake Hotson. It involved the MAD batting order being split into
certain ‘pools’ of similar themed batsman – where one would replace another
on dismissal akin to him or herself (i.e an aggressive batsman would replace
an aggressive batsman and vice versa with a more cautious batsman). |
Porsche Ever since Matt Bullock got himself a red TVR to boast
the quickest car in the team, James Hoskins (a former MG owner) became green
with envy. The affliction eventually affected his psyche to such an extent
that he sold his entire life savings and plumped for a Porsche Boxster in
2009 (subsequently sold). He’s now got a sprightly Mini XL-Well
Quick, but we haven’t got a photo of that…. |
Portchester
CC A talented and fun-loving
touring team from the borough of Fareham, Hampshire. The FFTMCC first locked
horns with them in 2010, where a successful Tour to Oxford paved the way for
a couple more – and a reciprocated visit by The MAD in 2011. The scoreline is currently
4-0 to Portsmouth…. |
Posh
Builder Dave Shorten is a builder by
trade and lives on Boars Hill. By the very nature of living in those aloof
surrounds you are considered posh. Do the math. He’s now retired, so it be can considered posh retirement. |
Posh
Full English After
being booked into the poshest hotel on the Minehead seafront in 2017, the
team were treated to the poshest breakfast they’d
ever experienced on a Tour. Due do hangovers and those unable to rise, it
would also be the poshest breakfast ever to go untouched in some cases. |
Positive
Mental Attitude (PMA) With most of The MAD players radiating cynicism and
downbeat assumptions about an upcoming match, PMA is an attribute that can be
rarely levelled at the team. It was first championed by James Hoskins during
his stint of captaincy from 2003 to 2005. It clearly never brushed off, as
nobody gives a shit these days…. |
Positively
Stupid Fucking T-shirt Most club members have worn
positively stupid fucking T-shirts over the years.
Hotson, Smith, Howarth, Hoskins, Dobner, Hebbes, Emerson etc etc etc. Hardly
anyone is exempt. There are countless millions of examples, some more stupid
than others, but the below example really is fucking shit. |
Prang Steve Dobner’s wife likes
nothing better than smashing her fella’s cars up on the way to cricket. Kim
is equally adroit smashing them away from cricket too…. |
Prosecco
Mini-magnums
of cava came to the fore on Tour to Pylewell Park in 2016 (see “Blackout
Juice” for further details). After James Hoskins made discovery of a stock of
them in the thatched pavilion, his copious intake was then copied by his team mates. Of the thirty or so bottles on sale, none
remained after the tourists left. |
Pub
Guide Back in the fall of 2011,
Club Chairman Matt Bullock published a dossier on Oxford pubs to critical pisshead acclaim. This leap into the world of literature
is of course utterly befitting of a man who regularly writes for CAMRA
Oxford. |
Pudding
(of a pitch) The
MAD have ridiculously agreed to play on many puddings over the years, but all
that came to an end in 2013 against Wootton & Bladon. During a rainstorm,
a T20 was completed in the mud whilst kit bags and accessories were washed
away due to no shelter from the elements. A dark day for MAD cricket. |
Puppy Joe Puppy, a rabid black hound that belonged to Dan
Edwards. This puppy, although pretty much always a fully grown dog, was often
seen running uncontrolled across cricket grounds stealing everything in
sight. He sadly passed away in 2014. RIP our furry friend. |
Pylewell
Park Located in Lymington,
Hampshire, adjacent to the New Forest, this enchanting park land is home to a
grand manor house and local cricket team – Pylewell Park CC – who the FFTMCC
guested against whilst on Tour in 2015 and 2016. |
Pyrotechnics
(Batting) Everyone loves a great
display of twatting the ball and usually The MAD are
on the receiving end. So how nice to remember the innings of 47 from 26 balls
by our very own David Emerson, after he opened up
against Islip CC in 2015. After 7 overs the FFTMCC were 54-0. Great stuff. |
Q. Every decision a MAD Skipper
makes is immediately queried by his team. Every single one. Year after year. That’s the problem with democracy. DO. AS. YOU. ARE. F______.
TOLD!!! |
Q Bar Actually,
named the “Quay Inn” in Minehead, with a LARGE ‘Q’
emblem on its chimney. Please don’t ask Mr Timms to tell
you any of his jokes about the place. |
Queens
College Picturesque central Oxford
cricket ground which is home to The MAD’s erstwhile opponents Isis CC. |
Quiz
(Gary) On the 2017 Tour to Minehead,
Mr Timms chose to opt out of dissolving his insides with a curry, instead
opting to run a quiz before the rest of the team were plastered. |
Quiz
(Matt) On the 2016 Tour to Hythe
& Dibden, Mr Bullock unveiled an excellent thought
provoking quiz during the annual curry night. In it, the answers to
several questions involved mathematical formula which utilised MAD player
numbers (MAD maths if you will). It was thought a great success. |