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MAD Glossary “G – K”

(Updated to end of Season 2023)

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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti-daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted.

Fast forward to the future and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore.

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Garsington CC Located atop a hill near Wheatley with patchwork fields tumbling into the distance, Garsington CC hosted the FFTMCC between the seasons of 2011 and 2015. The two teams contested several very entertaining midweek T20s until the home team sadly suffered the modern curse of poor enthusiasm and a lack of players.	“Gavel it!” A common saying at the Fines Committee just before closing a player’s appropriated fines – and therefore saving him / her any further fiscal misery. A wooden gavel or bat mallet is then sounded on the [pub] table to signal this.
George Another George, this time unrelated to the other George [Carter] who doesn’t really exist. “George” appeared on Tour in Hampshire in 2015 – guesting in two matches for The MAD, one whilst under the influence at Hythe & Dibden CC, and the other with a hangover at Trojans CC the following day. ( Link to Match Report )	[It’s All] Geoff’s Fault We’re not exactly sure of the when, but since whenever Geoff was blamed for something going wrong for the FFTMCC, it has thus remained a mantra ever since. He need not even be involved, be in the vicinity, or even be aware of the whatever it is… but it always is “Geoff’s fault.”
German First Aid Kit A classic first aid kit, as supplied by Mr Hebbes to satisfy the needs of the club. The kit was only called upon once – for Jake Hotson’s infamous kettle injury in 2004. Not only did the kit fail to contain anything useful for said emergency, but no-one knew what anything was used for, because all the documentation was in, er… German. Thanks, Nick … a truly stellar investment.	Giant Duck Back in 2012, Giant Duck was plucked from a charity shop in Truro, Cornwall, by his adopted father Ian Howarth. Aside from becoming the bona fide team mascot, he spends most of his time staring at other drivers on the A34 as Ian zips to and from work each week.
Gilbert Rarely seen schizophrenic brother of one Geoff C. Carter. He can also play cricket, but turns his hand to occasional off spin.	Gimp Mask A relatively new innovation in cricket, the Club invested in a Wicketkeeper Face Protector in an attempt to eliminate the chances of death to Mr J. C. W. Hotson whenever he deputises behind the stumps. Thought to allow a greater field of vision than a regular cricket helmet, the item has thus far proved to be successful.
Glass Cock A Minehead CC tradition is to have a member of a visiting touring team consume a whole glass cock of cider [in one]. The cock and attached ball sack contain approximately three whole pints, so it’s a tough fucking ask. Unless you’re Mike Ashley that is.	Glastonbury Now unburdened by the pressures of captaincy (unless Spam can’t be arsed with T20s), Gary now gets the chance to embrace his hippy side by travelling to Glastonbury every year, to then return with tales of awesome bands no-one has ever heard of and who would most likely get bottled off stage at the local pub, but cos it’s Glasto Maaaaaaaan… they are the next big thing, trust me.
Gold A form of currency. Also, the song du jour in Tour 2016 for Mr Timms to serenade the assorted pond life at Balti Towers (Hythe & Dibden) before they head up to their (our?) rooms.	Golden Duck Securing yourself a golden duck is a time-honoured tradition for all MAD batsmen. One innings, one ball, no runs, goodnight, Vienna. No fucking about. ( Link to Match Report )
Golf Ball (Tiger Woods) Rumour has it that while The MAD touring party were destroying the undergrowth at the pitch and putt in f______ T______, Tiger Woods was also there trying to regain some form. This must explain how a golf ball sailed over Jake Hotson’s head as members of the team walked through the adjacent car park, heading back to the Holiday Inn. Well, it definitely wasn't thrown by someone who had nicked it from the aforementioned course earlier. Certainly not. Oh, no no no....	Golf Challenge Cup (v Isis CC) The competition debuted in 2020 during the pandemic, with cricketing neighbours Isis CC running out the winners at the Waterstock Gold Course (just off the M40). It is hoped the golfing soiree continues annually for many years to come.
Golfing Disaster (Rain) Nobody who went on Tour to Mumbles in 2008 will ever forget the game of golf to occupy a day. Beginning in the drizzle which later became rain and then a monsoon, one remembers James Hoskins completing the course in an umpire’s coat in a failed attempt at keeping dry. ( Link to Inspector's Report )	Gonzo’s Bog Seat Ian Leggate’s legendary “bog seat” made its debut with the Day 1 Skipper during the Tour of Southsea in 2011. Hanging around his neck much like rap star Flavor Flav did with a large clock in the 90s – Gonzo strutted his stuff around Hayling Island and even avoided getting his head kicked in by the local Portsmouth football fans. Amazingly, the seat managed to make it back to Oxford in one piece, where for the punitive cost of 50p you could take a shit through it at Gonzo’s house.
“Good for you.” During one lunch time on Tour to Norfolk in 2012, Dan Edwards expressed his desire to stand-in skipper for the day, Mike Reeves, to open the batting. “Good for you” replied Mike. Dan assumed this meant he was a shoe-in at #1 or #2. Fast forward to the start of the game and a fully padded up Dan was duly informed he would be batting at number eight. Subsequently, Dan left the club and Mike has never skippered again. The term is now employed to shatter hopes, thwart ambition and generally not give a fuck about another’s request or opinion.	Grassy Knoll Situated opposite the clubhouse at Hythe & Dibden CC is a grassy knoll. It is a perfect vantage point to watch a game, and also to slump and fall asleep after a day on the piss (the connoisseur’s choice for George n’ Lennie). ( Link to Match Report )
Gray Nicholls Kit Bag Home to the club’s stinking and decrepit kit for a period of time that nobody can quite remember, this particular lot was flogged at the 2011 AGM’s Kit Auction to Club Chairman, Matt Bullock for £22.00. It is presumed he was quite pissed at the time – or certainly was when he woke up in the morning to find it in his house.	Great Milton Home to the Raymond Blanc’s famous Le Manoir restaurant and also to a curious little cricket pitch based on a recreational ground. The MAD visited firstly in 2023 where a pyrotechnic 25 over game produced over 400 runs. A very decent pub (The Bull) is but a 5 mins walk up the road. ( Link to Match Report )
Great Yarmouth Views expressed by MAD players whilst on Tour in 2012 would suggest there is little “great” about Great Yarmouth. It reminded us all of Didcot-on-Sea – a fictional and distinctly believable shit-hole by the sea somewhere in our imagination. God help us all….	Green Helmet For many years the players of the Far from the MCC bemoaned the absence of a team helmet, particularly when playing cricket on shit tracks such as Cowley Marshes. It was not that they didn’t possess a helmet, it’s just that nobody quite knew where it had gone. They remembered it as being green and they remembered Antony Mann had last used it – something he strenuously denied. Fast forward to the dying embers of 2008 and whilst clearing his house for a move back down under, Ant would rediscover said item nestling amongst other assorted crap in his attic. So, he did have it, and he had it all the time – the lying bastard. It was eventually sold at an AGM auction (see below) and now belongs to Mr Smith (subsequently lost).
Green ink Following Mr R. P. Turner’s selfless act of producing a batch of laminated 2014 Fixture Cards for the club, he received little in the way of praise, but plenty in the way of criticism for going to press after the first six games. During that spell, The MAD failed to win a match, thus the result section was all coloured in red [lost]. His teammates subsequently bitched on and on whilst fining Russ for having no green [won] ink at his printing press.	“Guns in the Bag” Who can forget Andrew Darley’s quip whilst on Tour to Suffolk in 2018? It was a reference to the remaining MAD batting order containing several decent hitters of the ball who could fire the team to victory [it should be noted of course that this seldom comes to pass].
Haircut Most people get their hair cut at a barbers or hairdressers, but in James Hoskins, The MAD have their own match day, maverick stylist of the barnet (often frequented by Jake Hotson – see below).	Hairy Dog Minehead’s premier sports bar and de facto rendezvous point for anyone looking for a good fist fight in the evening. The Hairy Dog has it all – cheap booze, cheap burgers, cheap women and a nice run on the locals who will rearrange your front teeth. It catered for The MAD in 2017.
Half Moon One of the smaller pubs in Oxford City Centre, the Half Moon is and was the de facto pub of choice for Ian Leggate if he ever needed to drink beyond 11pm [lock in]. Closed during the pandemic, it finally reopened in 2023.	Hamstring Tears A common ailment among the very fit sport sportspeople on the planet, and an especially common ailment for the unfit amateurs who exercise in the pub before a match.
Hampshire at The Parks Back in the day, in fact … all the way back to the year the club was born in 1998, Hampshire CC guested at The Parks (below) in Oxford – an annual pre-season tradition for a county side (versus Oxford University CC). After the conclusion of the match, the team then went on the beers in Jericho and found themselves in The Jude. As legend has it, that's when a pissed Robin A. Smith agreed to be our Patron.	Hangover A common ailment which hampers nearly every Far from the MCC performance. ( Link to Match Report )
Harry Step grandson to Ian Howarth, little Harry attends the odd MAD game now and again and is blamed every time for Howarth’s subsequent shambles on the field.	Harrys Cider A local tipple to be quaffed on the West Somerset Railway. It can be sourced in the buffet wagon and gets you adroitly to that happy place in life called “pissed” [in no small time]. ( Link to Match Report )
Hat Lore Hat Lore originated many seasons ago when people started Bowling With a Hat or Bowling Without a Hat. There was also a team who made their worst player of the previous week wear a (pink) hat on that day (which the MAD would parody on Tour in 2007). Hats have always been an integral topic of MAD conversation ever since – that’s just how fucking interesting a bunch we are….	Hat Thief The “Hat Thief” is still shrouded in mystery. It dates back to 2004 when several players reported having their hats stolen (and pretty much throughout the season of 2005). The culprit remains anonymous to this day, although suspicions as to whom he or she was (or is) are still rife….
Hawaii After complaining about his knees and a chronic lack of cricket in 2018, Mike Reeves booked a three-week holiday to Hawaii during the hottest June on record. In the image below, we find Mike on the left, a northern drunk and some dude with a Hawaiian shirt on the right.	Hawaiian Shirt On the epochal Tour of Southsea in 2011, Ian ‘Gonzo’ Leggate became synonymous as much for his ruinous and button lacking Hawaiian shirts as he did for his ‘bog seat’ medallion.
HDF An acronym for ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’. The first day proper of MAD Tours to Hampshire where the team get to spend an entire day on the piss before contesting a 25 over match in the evening against the local cricket team. It’s a total assault of the senses and several MAD troops have been gone MIA (missing in action).	Head Injury [Leaflet] After the Bob and Rundle amateur dramatics exhibitions held respectively in Hailsham and Oxfordshire in 2021-22, Club Printer and dogsbody R. P. Turner commissioned a very handy MAD leaflet should such an incident happen again. Obviously, it has been stowed in the scorebox folder ever since and obviously everyone has forgotten it exists. So….
Heart Attack Regards the theatre played out at Stanton St John in 2022, where amateur actor M. S. Rundle was first seen to play a crap sweep shot onto his head, then stumble over a few kit bags on the boundary before lapsing into cardiac arrest. Subsequently, it is now suggested we have several team members who have first aid certificates. If there aren’t any, then you all need to have a mobile in which you are expected to able to dial “999”. Failing that, you need the opposition to have someone who can perform CPR [tick the last box then].	Height The Far from the MCC are obsessed with height. Among their playing staff – who is the tallest? Who is the shortest? Does it really fucking matter? Apparently so…. On Tour in Norfolk in 2012, the Tourists arranged a team photo in Saxlingham Nethergate to rule on the issue. Strangely some guy labelled “Tall Bob” was tallest and some short little runt on the end was….
Help the Wounded Without any proper net sessions, and little in the way of training or practice ahead of the 2020 cricket season, a pandemic riddled calendar was blighted by injuries.	“Help yourself” A term mumbled among cynical team mates to the opposition batsmen whenever Mr R. P. Turner is brought onto bowl.
Hendrick’s Gin A Scottish gin produced by William Grant & Sons that became the shot of choice for Touring team Hendrick’s XI. The FFTMCC hosted the affable Warwick University graduates in 2016 and 2017. ( Link to Match Report )	Henman (Tim) Successful British tennis player who never won Wimbledon. Tim Henman lives adjacent to the South Oxford, Astons CC ground – regular opponent of the Far from the MCC. Team members always boast about smacking a straight six into his back garden [etc].
Hernia In 2011, Ian Howarth suffered a much-lauded inguinal hernia which was credited for his resurgence in batting form. It was agreed that the ‘Hernia’ had scored the gamut of runs (including his ton on Tour) and that Ian was simply shit. There were no dissenters to this conclusion.	Hernia Kit Ian Howarth’s hernia problems in 2011 caused ripples of amusement for his teammates throughout that season. Despite Ian’s obvious discomfort and concerns regarding his own welfare, his dad saw a solution to the problem by spending some of his retirement putting together this excellent DIY kit for Christmas. Who says parents don’t love their sons?
Hogging the Game Occasionally a player in The MAD ranks has one of those days where he is involved in everything. Runs, wickets, catches… you name it, he / she is involved in it, and are levied at the Fines Committee for ‘hogging the game’. In 2007, a trophy would be introduced at the AGM to celebrate a player scooping all 3 x MAD match awards: MOTM, Champagne and Buffet. Mr. Reeves was the inaugural winner of the trophy, but in recent years the trophy has disappeared…. ( Link to Match Report )	Hoick A common saying to describe an agricultural heave across the stumps. See “Moo” for further details.
Holiday Inn Bombed out of their intended lodgings whilst on Tour to f______ T______ in 2014 (due to a flower festival), The MAD were forced into desperate measures… staying en masse at a Holiday Inn. You heard that right.	Holland Back in 2005, the Far from the MCC hosted a match in Cholsey against Dutch tourists – Rood en Wit XI. ( Link to Match Report )
Honey Nope, that a term of endearment passed to one’s missus, but a seemingly never-ending story concerning Dave Shorten’s fixation with the stuff (honey), and his loss (a tub) thereof on Tour in The Mumbles in 2008. Mummy Shorten apparently owns some bees and makes it. And jolly nice it is too.	Hoodies Club ‘hoodies’ came into being before the start of the 2011 season. Popular and fashionable with the team, these items came in any colour as long as you like ‘blue’. Subsequent hoodies have come and gone along with the merchandising shops.
Hoskins is a Legend Hoskins “is” a MAD legend, but we didn’t know it was common knowledge. Here we have a quite remarkable random photo taken on Tour to Ipswich in 2023 as a car drove past….	Hundreds There have now been fourteen instances of MAD batters scoring hundreds for The MAD, and two instances of some clown getting out on 99. Gary Littlechild (117*) held the high score stretching all the way back to 2006 until he didn’t. ( Link to Match Report )
Hungerford A historic town in Berkshire, famous for James Hoskins living there for a period and also for some crackpot going on a shooting spree in 1987. It is also where Corne Vermaak chose to bike to after James gave him his postcode for Harwell CC. ( Link to 2018 AGM and Award )	Hythe (and Dibden) Located in Hampshire, close to the shore of Southampton Water, the local cricket team hosted the FFTMCC in the summers of 2015 and 2016 in 25 over matches. Not that Howarth or Roberts would likely remember…. ( Link to Match Report )
Ice Cream [multiple thereof] On Tour in 2022, Mr Rundle was forever clasping ice-creams to while away the boredom of Touring and not actually playing. There’s certainly no harm in the idea [Touring without playing that is], but you can only imagine how bad is guts were…?	Ice Cream Van On Tour in 2004, a ridiculous idea was conceived to buy an ice cream van and use it for team transportation. The thinking was it could double as both a mobile scoreboard (after painting one side black) and provide excellent storage space for cooling the copious amounts of alcohol the team would consume. Naturally, this plan never came to fruition, but copious amounts of Natch cider were drunk whilst devising the plan.
Insect Bite Poor Matt Bullock suffered a horrendous insect bite whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2017. Thought to be of tsetse fly origins, the bite soon blistered to epic proportions before amputation became his only viable option.	Insipid One of the worst innings in MAD history was orchestrated by Geoff Carter at Cholsey in 2017. His accumulation of 3 off 47 balls somehow provided the rock for victory in a Friendly Cup match, although we struggle to recall him actually hitting anything…. ( Link to Match Report )
Inspector Gadget A name which was attributed to OU Office player Chris Heron. Back in season 2005, he miraculously caught MAD batsman Martin Westmoreland following a gravity defying leap, somehow plucking the ball one-handed from the heavens, before crashing back to Mother Earth. ( Link to Match Report )	Ipsden CC After a surreal amount of time avoiding each other in the Friendly Cup, The MAD finally agreed on visiting the mysterious opposition during the pandemic affected season of 2020. A beautiful ground atop a hill with views rolling into the distance, Ipsden cantered to victory due to the FFTMCC being utterly shit. The fixture looks a good one to reverse year on year. ( Link to Match Report )
Ipswich Waterfront A culturally and significant upmarket harbour dating back to 1842. It specialises in high-rise condos, pubs and yachts and is frequented by hungover cricketers…. Photo below from the Tour of 2023.	Isis CC The neighbours! What more can you say. The history between the two clubs is layered and intertwined, with the first cricketing encounter traced back to the May of 1999 at Cutteslowe Park. A decade later the two clubs became neighbours off the banks of the Thames, plying their cricketing talents at Queens and Brasenose College respectively. The rivalry is very much alive today and the two clubs contest a Golf Tournament at the fall of each year. ( Link to Match Report of 1999 )
Islip CC Opponents Islip first hosted The MAD back in 2014, where on a dog of a pitch the FFTMCC batted like twats and Islip didn’t. The actual village is located in Cherwell by the River Ray and floods most winters. Much like The MAD’s home of Brasenose then….	“It’s all about you.” Another classic phrase stolen from gardener Dan Edwards and subsequently embraced by the team. It evolved out of Dan’s regular pep-talks to fellow batsmen awaiting a bat. Now everything is all about everyone and it’s all about us.
James Cordon An amusing reference to finding James Hoskins and James Pearson forming a cordon in the Gully area of the field one day. It is a very near pronunciation of TV writer and producer extraordinaire, James Corden. For a short time between 2021-22 the cordon was swollen by the presence of James Bateman.	James Pearson (Pads) Endlessly smug, Mr Pearson likes to blame his pads every time he his caught.
James Pearson (Bat) Of course, it hasn’t always been the fault of his pads, a few years ago his ineptitude was the fault of his bat. ( Link to Match Report )	JRICU 14pts in scrabble, before you land on a triple word square... it is also the place designed by our Chairman and frequented by two of the MAD’s finest [cough] in May of 2022... Howarth, but only visiting and Rundle, Bed Blocking for 2 Days after the twat decided to try a bit of dying....
Jericho (Tavern) Residing near the Oxford Canal, Jericho has proven a regular haunt for many a MAD player past and present. It boasts an excellent selection of pubs (including the Jude the Obscure) and of course one entitled the Jericho Tavern … which of course agreed to host the highly successful 2021 AGM.	Jordan Hill Home cricket ground to the Oxford University Press (or OUP), The MAD have been playing there since the turn of the millennium.
Jude the Obscure Original home to the Far from the MCC in Jericho (then playing under the name of the pub). The landlord Noel P. Reilly was instrumental in financing and forming the cricket team back in 1998. The MAD stayed under his sponsorship until 2002, whereby they upped sticks and followed him to his next public house venture – the “Far from the Madding Crowd” in central Oxford (now sadly closed). As a footnote: The Jude was recently given a makeover in 2022 and looks all the jolly nicer for it. It doubles as a Sports Bar with a nice side line on grub and getting pissed.	Jude the Obscure 2 It transpires that Headington Quarry CC have more in common with The MAD’s old stomping ground. Their opening batsman [Tim Bailey] is the current landlord and their fixture secretary [Fred] drinks there most weekends.
Juke Box (Tour) The Tour juke box from the 2003 / 2004 MAD cricket Tours to Minehead. It was an investment aimed squarely at bringing to fruition, Nick Hebbes’ wonderful idea of serenading players going out to bat to their own theme tune. An excellent idea in theory, but nobody seems to remember any of these theme tunes ever being played – if indeed these they were even burnt on CD. It did find a use however, enabling Tour members to listen to proper cricket matches on 5 Live whilst on the piss.	Katy (Cider) A Somerset cider brewed by Thatchers, which became notorious after sparking a club brawl in the Far from the Madding Crowd pub in the fall of 2003. The shameful occurrence also ruined a book launch by team novelist, Antony G. Mann. The culprits will remain anonymous; however, Steve Dobner, Ian Howarth and Thornton Smith were all involved. There are no incriminating photos, so here is one of the lads getting pissed from around that time.
Kettle Quips are often made at cricket teas regarding avoiding scolding oneself when near a kettle. This joke refers back to the Tour of 2004 (Minehead), when Jake Hotson ended up in casualty after badly scolding himself. In his infinite wisdom, he figured on making a cuppa whilst totally inebriated at silly o’clock in the morning. In recent Tours to Minehead we’re happy to relate that Jake hasn’t burnt himself or ended up in casualty.	Kev No, not the type of individual who goes around and the town centre in a souped-up car pumping trashy techno beats out his windows [whilst perving at any girl over the age of 12]. Instead, the name refers to the formative Groundsman at Pembroke College Sports Ground, who lovingly [sic] prepared teas and pitches for The MAD and was no slouch when it came to constructing Airfix models.
Kidlington CC (Stratfield Brake) When the bursar of Pembroke College decreed the Far from the MCC could no longer make use of their ground in 2008, Kidlington CC were generous enough to allow The MAD to make use of one of their pitches at Stratfield Brake. Soulless and out of the city centre, The MAD only played there for the one season (thank god). As another footnote: the area is under a planning application for a new Oxford United FC stadium (2023).	Kit Bag (Team) For years club members have argued about the team kit bag. Who should look after it? What contents should be in it? Do we even fucking need one? In fact, at one stage, the team kit was split between two bags… and then, inexplicably, a third…. Thankfully, rationality returned in 2011 and the majority of the contents were sold off to individual members of the team. Now there is just one kit bag again.
Kings Arms Centrally located watering hole in Oxford City Centre, which formed the backdrop to pre-game drinks for a Battisford Touring XI played out at Mansfield Road in 2017. ( Link to Match Report )	Kitten On Tour in Norfolk in 2012, members of the team out on the piss discovered a lost kitten trying to make home in a pub. It was refused accommodation due to setting alarms off, so would have to have fended for itself on a main road surrounded by lager louts and feral dogs. We couldn’t have that, so rescued and re-homed him. Sadly, Billy as he became known, passed away in 2015….
Kookaburra Bat (Dan Edwards) Back in the day, before Dan Edwards fled the sinking ship which was the Marlborough House, he used to go around bashing Oxford bowling attacks with his Freddie Flintoff emblazoned Kookaburra bat. It had a beautiful middle despite being of a slightly irregular shape – and we remember him top-edging Ian Howarth’s military medium dross for six at Pembroke. Later, after Dan joined The MAD, his prized instrument of war split at the base. It was discarded in a huff amongst some long grass by a pitch, later to be retrieved by the same Mr Howarth. It now has pride of place in Ian’s summerhouse along with an assortment of other cricketing paraphernalia [shit].	KP Like Marmite, you either loved or hated him – and the players of The MAD seem to spend an overly long time arguing about him. Do you really want his full name…?? Now he’s retired you get to argue about his contributions on BT Sport or SKY or whatever broadcasting platform he chooses to air his thoughts and wisdom.