0 - 9 | A - F | G - K | L - P | Q - U | V - Z

MAD Glossary “A – F”

(Updated to end of Season 2023)

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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti-daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted.

Fast forward to the future and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore.

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“AAAARRGGGHHH!!!!!” A typical noise omitted when a player gets a ball in the knackers (bollocks). Russ Turner copped a beauty whilst fielding at Wootton & Boars Hill in 2013. Similarly, James Hoskins was felled in 2010 v Milton CC (see below). On any and every occasion players from both teams find it hilarious. ( Link to Match Fines )	“Accumulator” Not a reference to a steadily built innings, but in fact a reference to Chris Robert’s easy way to become a millionaire. Tall Bob regularly picks seventeen (or more) home wins on the football pools and watches the cash come flooding in. Oh….
Adjoining Field A sustained and prolonged hammering by an opposition batsman was a regular fixture in 2017, but the pasting on Tour on Blagdon Hill was perhaps the pastiest of all. Young L Trottman (bowling below) whacked a dozen enormous sixes, which would result in a non-playing James Pearson permanently stationed in an adjoining field (behind the bowler).	Aggro Any match against Wootton & Bladon CC (the provocatively nicknamed Fat Boys]) The early years were the worst with 2003’s encounter in Bladon the best worst example, in which umpire Tony Mander (aka ‘The Doc’) threatened to take the teams off the pitch to quell the unrest. ( Link to Match Report )
“All day mate.” A saying embraced by The MAD ever since Dan Edwards was quoted using it whilst batting in the face of hostile sledging. It is thought as meaning a type of rebuke “whatever, ha ha, bring it on… etc, just keep trudging that crap out etc – and I’ll just keep on going… batting all day etc.” Or maybe it had some other darker meaning, but you’d have to ask Dan….	Afghanistan In 2013, Rahman Alizha became The MAD’s first Afghan recruit, after being coerced into playing from a St. Clements’ newsagents by Ian Leggate. Rahman bowled and batted with aplomb and then sadly... disappeared.
Age Just as with ‘height’, The MAD are fixated with ‘age’. Who is the youngest and, more importantly, who is the oldest duffer in the team?	Amazingly Amazing A perfect couple of words which encompass Mr G. J. Timms’ first MAD Tour experience. After an elongated apprenticeship, and after tiring of the endless Tour stories assuaged by his teammates, Gary finally enrolled for the 2014 shambles which was f______ T______. We are deeply sorry, Gary – Tour is usually fantastic…. Better look next year, aye? ( Link to 2014 Tour Ratings )
Ambassador Before (and during) the Tour of Louth in 2009, club snob and chief extrovert Steve Parkinson announced to the entire team that he would be representing the team in an “ambassadorial role”. This aloof, self-proclaimed importance netted him a pile of abuse and a shitload of fines – and still haunts him to the present day. ( Link to Match Report )	Ambulance Forever synonymous with Bob’s head after being struck by a cricket ball on Tour to Brighton in 2021. It was the final match of what was a splendid trip, but unfortunately just one game too many, as Hailsham master-blaster A. Anthony timed one a bit too well straight back at bowler Roberts…. Bob survived thankfully. ( Link to Match Report )
Amnesia Prior to the match at Stogumber, Minehead in 2017, Ian Howarth went on a quiet day’s binge drinking with Geoff Carter. Starting off at the hotel, they then got twatted on a steam train, twatted at the ground and then some pub in the outback. By morning, Ian text and emailed the team in a panic realising he has lost his beloved Canon and all the photos from the previous day. That was until he found it is his kitbag – in his room – where he put it.	Anatidaephobia Gary Timms was accused by his missus of suffering from this peculiarity after a rash of ducks and subsequent obsession thereof. The phobia describes the sufferer fearing that no matter where they are, or what they are doing, a duck is watching.
Angel & Greyhound Pricey pub situated just off The Plain in the centre of Oxford, the Angel was the rendezvous for the ill-fated trip to Wembley in 2011, where a quick pint and a coach turned into an elongated session and Gary Littlechild waiting an eternity near the stadium for his “team mates” to show up….	Angus Extraordinarily expensive to maintain, Russ Turner first introduced this ridiculous animal to the team in 2020 (away to Cumnor). The dog is officially a Shar Pei, a type of hound bred from southern China and not responsible for the spreading of the coronavirus. Ian Howarth has an animal called Angus, but the cat has never been to a game of cricket (thus far).
Antony’s Bunny Andrew Darley was, and always will be, Antony Mann’s bunny. See “Bunny” for further information relating to. ( Link to Inspectorate )	Apparel (Club) Martin Westmoreland is, and always will be the Club Kit Man, even when he isn’t. Somehow, sometime back in the day, Moo ruefully accepted responsibility for ordering in new shirts. These days, he has an inventory comparable to Sports Direct and an entire family working on outstanding orders.
Appetite There have always been some LARGE appetites within the Far from the MCC, but none can come anywhere near matching the destructive, carnivorous force which is one Mr. R. P. Turner.	Appleton Appleton is a village in the civil parish of Appleton-with-Eaton some four miles northwest of Abingdon. It boasts a leafy little cricket ground by some sewerage works, with the amusing and affable local team providing opposition for the FFTMCC since 2009.
Arm Wrestling After the conclusion of a very successful 2015 AGM, the excessive booze then commanded several players should partake in an impromptu arm-wrestling competition. Tall Bob (below left) would manhandle his way to victory, and on the way cause various injuries to other contestants. ( Link to AGM )	Ascott-under-Wychwood During the height of the pandemic, The MAD traversed in a north easterly direction to the hitherto unknown pleasures of A-u-W. On arrival, they got lost, crossed over a level crossing multiple times, sat outside a pub socially distanced and then contrived to play their most woeful game of cricket you could imagine. If the hosts were underwhelming, The MAD were truly fucking awful. ( Link to Match Report )
Aston Tirrold Home to the Astons CC, South Oxford – perennial opposition for The MAD since 2007. Also, home to Tim and Lucy Henman who live adjacent to the ground and of course not forgetting some totally bias umpires.	Auction Following the end of the 2011 season, it was decided to auction off at the subsequent AGM all of the crap that had slowly built up in team kit bag[s] over the years. The idea, first muted by Jake Hotson, proved highly successful bringing in much needed revenue to the club. ( Link to AGM )
Australia The club have had many Australians play for them over the years, with nearly all of them deciding they hated their downtrodden, sarcastic teammates and buggering off whence they came.	Balti Towers An amusing nickname for the Fountain Court Hotel which is located in Hythe & Dibden. The term was coined on the Tour of 2016 due to the laughable nature of the place and the fact it had Indian owners.
Barrow Boys A collective for The MAD’s two commuting Londonites Steve Dobner and his brother-in-law Gary Littlechild. Whilst not strictly geographically true, we don’t give a shit as we enjoy using the term. Also, they both have a ‘barrow’ drawl, awight? ( Link to Inspectorate )	Battered Another bilingual term. It is both used to describe the condition of some of the team prior to a match on a Sunday – and, also to reference some of The MAD bowling on display.
Baseball Cage An amusing attraction to be found in the garish Boom Battle Bar in Ipswich. You pays up your monies and get to hear everyone laugh at your ineptitude as you swing repeatedly at thin air.	Battisford (Suffolk) Battisford & District CC are a Suffolk cricket club The MAD have enjoyed playing against both home and away since the summer 2017. The celebrated cook and TV presenter Delia Smith opened the pavilion in 2004 and is a club regular. ( Link to Match Report )
Beach Hotel (Minehead) Somehow Dave Shorten managed to book sixteen pissed cricketers into the Beach Hotel on Minehead seafront in 2017, all for the price of some cheap toilet roll. James Hoskins would then repeat the feat two years later.	Beavis & Butthead Jon Newman-Robson (Beavis, on the right) and Andrew Darley (Butthead, on left) are likened to our cartoon comedy heroes. They room together on Tour and behave like our cartoon heroes (on and off the field).
Bench (Day Use) A wooden or galvanised iron bench is a sure-fire way to sleep off the effects of a healthy session on the booze. The MAD have made religious (and spiritual) use of benches over the course of time.	Bench (Evening Use) A wooden or galvanised iron bench is a sure-fire way to sleep off the effects of a healthy session on the booze. The MAD have made religious (and spiritual) use of benches over the course of time.
Berry’s Coaches (Minehead) The MAD have got previous when it comes to having “issues” with coach hire. On Tour to Minehead in 2017, Mr Reeves ensured the team all died of carbon monoxide poisoning after booking an obsolete model from the 1970’s. Below is the last known photo of those tourists. May they rest in peace.	Bertie Joe Cartwright’s iconic little (Bassett) hound was synonymous with MAD matches, dutifully following his dad around by the boundary. Sadly, he passed away in 2022. So long little fella.
Big Society (BS) Another popular local watering hole for team members living off the Cowley Road, Oxford. The Big Society offers up welcoming staff, US-style fast food and a decent smattering of beer and cider served in schooners. There is also plenty of nice eye candy.	Biffa A name given to a new club bat acquired by Steve Dobner back in 2004. It was thought to give the ball a pretty good smack when middled and thus ended up with the name “Biffa”. There were numerous investments in “Biffas” over the years, each with an identifying numerical post-fix (i.e Biffa 3). To date there are now none left – all fucked.
Bicycle / Bike Ride Ever since Mike Reeves decided to cycle across America from Los Angeles to Boston in 2009, anyone seen on a bike is said to be impersonating him. He would now struggle to cycle from Botley to the centre of town. ( Link to Mike's Blog )	Big Bird No, not a reference to another MAD dismissal for a large nought, but the nickname of OUP master batsman Chris Heron. See “Inspector Gadget” for further details.
Bitch Since Paddy Mellor made mention that he loved batting against teammate David Emerson – the dye was cast. Whilst on Tour in 2013, Paddy guested for Belvedere CC and by opening the batting for them, got the opportunity to back up his boasts. He duly humped David all over Weston-super-Mare, and as a result – David became his bitch. ( Link to Match Report )	Black Boy Inn Represents the designated watering hole for pre and post-match drinks against Milton CC in Bloxham. It also boasts barmaids of wonderful form, Morris Dancers and an excellent beer garden. The beer, lager and cider aren’t too bad either. ( Link to Match Report )
Blackout Juice Traditionally consumed by Italians as a springtime aperitif, this sparkling wine (cava) has quickly become the fast-track to lightly sparkling oblivion for millions of UK drinkers, and of course members of the Far from the MCC.	Black Cat During and after Mark Rundle’s incredible sequence of wicketless matches as a MAD bowler (spanning more than one season), it was assumed he had ran over a black cat or something (an old superstition). Watching him toil away, over after over, the ball continually beating the bat (and stumps), it was assumed he must’ve been cursed…?
Blame Game It’s always somebody’s fault. ALWAYS. Usually, it’s the Skipper for losing the toss and / or batting first on a shit pitch etc. Other times it’s the groundsman for preparing a total dog of a wicket (notwithstanding it’s the same for both teams). But sometimes, it’s simply easier to lay blame on Mr Paddy Mellor for organising the 2014 Tour to f______ T______. Never to be forgotten!	Blenheim (Andy) During the now infamous pasting at Tetsworth CC in 2009, the home Skipper Andy Blenheim championed our cause with a typically West Indian grin throughout – though it could have been the effects of the 38 cans of Stella he consumed on the day. Recently snapped on camera at the Cricketers Arms off the Cowley Road. ( Link to Match Report )
Blenheim Palace Without doubt, Blenheim is one of the most regal of cricket grounds in Oxfordshire – if certainly not one of the best of pitches in Oxfordshire. A match against Blenheim Park CC provides all the surroundings and scenery to make it a true highlight of any MAD fixtures calendar. However, after going back to the wrong pub for a post-match drink some years ago, we haven’t been invited back. C’est la vie. ( Link to Match Report )	Blenheim (The Royal) Centrally based by the new Westgate centre, “The Blenheim” has been host to many a decent MAD session to take in a variety of sports. Perhaps most famously (or infamously if you are Mike Reeves) it carried coverage of Superbowl LI where the Patriots beat the Falcons in the early hours following a rather surreal and dramatic turnaround.
Blue Room (St Aldates Tavern) Serial venue for many MAD AGMs, the Blue Room atop of the St. Aldates Tavern in the centre of town and is perfectly suited to small social gatherings. It has its own bar, a functioning kitchen, a projection monitor for endless PowerPoint presentations and resplendent views onto the Oxford streets below.	Blue Mountains Irregular MAD antipodean, Mr A. G. Mann, now resides in the Blue Mountains of NSW, Australia. It does a fine line in bush fires, plane crashes and alien infestations. It also has a cricket team who are a bunch of joyless pricks (apparently).
Boars Hill Oxford’s answer to Mulholland Drive, Boars Hill boasts roads (Foxcombe Road) with similar views to the famed American highway in a very particular English type of way. However, the area will always be synonymous with MAD player Dave Shorten – who took time out to thrust a flag in the soil and build his own home there.	Bodleian Fallout With the release in 2018 of The MAD’s second book ‘Never at This Level’, a celebration of their twenty years of being, it seems their banter and ebullient fervour wasn’t quite reciprocated by the good fellows of the Bodleian (cricket team). Taking umbrage at the narrative after feeling slighted, The Bods declined to play The MAD going forwards as they felt “the team cannot take to the field in the spirit of good sportsmanship.”
Bodyline Synonymous with the infamous Ashes series of 1932-33, Jon Newman-Robson and Ian Howarth decided to re-enact this dangerous pastime whilst on Tour to Felixstowe in 2018. Amped up on Ribena (dark fruit Strongbow), our braindead heroes went at it for several overs before Howarth collapsed after being hit. ( Link to Match Report )	Bollocks Whenever The MAD lose a game of cricket, the critique in the bar thereafter revolves around decisions made by the Skipper – rather than the individual failings of the team (of which there are no doubt plenty). His decisions are likened / compared to testicles (bollocks). The word has Anglo Saxon origins and is used as an adjective to mean “poor quality” or “useless”.
Bologna, Italy T20 specialist Nick Hill left these shores in 2017 to go teaching in Bologna. He is rumoured to still be alive with no horses’ heads thus far found on his bed.	Boonie’s Toast After a tiring net session in 2006, OU Office batting star James Boon found his stomach didn’t agree with his pint. Bystanders were caught in the subsequent projectile attack – with Andrew Darley keeping this unfortunate piece of toast in his garage fridge for posterity.
Bovine Mascot The battery powered Bovine Mascot made his debut in 2006 and was intended to perform a celebratory role every time Mr Westmoreland hoiked a ball to cow corner. Its little dance routine involved the cow opening its coat and mooing half a dozen times. The item is now thought sadly lost….	Bowlplex (Telford) Gaudy, trite and full of unruly pissed up chavs on jugs of shocking lager – it’s your local Bowlplex, and the one to be found in f______ T______ has to be right up there with the very shittest ones on Mother Earth.
Boxing In the fall of 2017, lightweight Chris Williams collected hundreds of pounds off willing sponsors to have his face filled in at a white-collar boxing event. Unfortunately, in the run up to his charitable debut, his ribs were smashed to pieces after he was given some sparring against a fully blown heavyweight. Bout off.	Brasenose After a year in the sporting wilderness (Kidlington), the Far from the MCC returned to central Oxford at the start of 2009. Following successful negotiations, their home games would now be played at Brasenose College Sports Ground. It certainly ticked all the right boxes when not underwater and also had a decent pub in spitting distance from the pavilion.
Bridge Who can forget the bridge that gives you access to the ground at Bridgetown CC in Minehead? Certainly, none of those who toured there in 2017 (and 2019).	Bridgetown CC Who can forget the picturesque, slopey ground of Bridgetown CC in Minehead? Certainly, none of those who toured there in 2017 (and 2019).
Brighton After an abortive attempt to Tour the famous Sussex seaside town due to the pandemic, Team MAD would debut their talents (mostly at the bar) to an unsuspecting public in 2021. It was an excellent pilgrimage with many wonderful memories. We will return one day.	Brighton Seafront Because the editor of this website couldn’t be arsed to shuffle so many images up and down to accommodate ‘Brighton’ … he simply added a postcard photo (here) of the seafront from the pier. Think Quadrophenia and fights on the beach.
British Gas (Centrica) The corporate energy giant was once a fertile hunting ground for MAD recruitment over many years. It seemed everyone who worked at the Cowley offices seemed to play cricket. If you didn’t play cricket, you wouldn’t get an interview, it was that simple … or at least it appeared that way. Now of course the building is closed, so no new faces….	Broken (Nets) Before the 2012 season had even gotten underway, Captain Mr Westmoreland, would declare nets officially “broken”. The unruly session came about in Martin’s absence, finding numerous bowlers trying to knock the heads off their counterparts with short pitch shite, and batsman who really should know better, trying to smash ceiling lights whilst slogging. The Sunday in question was a true half-mast day for MAD cricket in general.
Buffet (Bowling) According to the Urban Dictionary, it’s “a bowler in cricket who is bowling deliveries that are easy to hit for runs. So, named because in a buffet, you can take what you want in large amounts.” The MAD have been serving up this type of shit for years, as the image below so perfectly illustrates…. ( Link to Match Report )	Bullshit Not a reference to the excrement which exits a male cow’s behind, but a term applied to most things that came out of Michael ‘Billy’ Clarke’s mouth (after numerous sherries at the bar). His propensity for exaggerating certain truths first became apparent on Tour in 2004. And certain years thereafter.
Bumming The use of the term “bumming” is a Lincolnshire saying passed on by club snob Steve Parkinson. It is an accurate critique of an absolute drubbing; “we [the team] were made to look like the other team’s bitches as we got resolutely tonked (smacked all over the bloody place). A right total bumming”. ( Link to Match Report )	Bunny Bunny: also known as a Rabbit. A member of the side who cannot generally bat and is selected as a specialist bowler or wicketkeeper (or neither and generally just makes up the numbers for the team). It can also be used to describe a player who often gets out to one bowler in particular – Mike Atherton was Glenn McGrath's bunny. ( Link to Inspectorate )
Burger King Everyone knows or has heard of the fast-food burger chain. It came to prominence on Tour to Brighton in 2021, providing as it did romantic meals out in the evening by the seafront. Russ Turner is a devout fan as are many others in the team.	Butlins (Minehead) Thinking you could simply walk into the place and pay up for pirate golf, the tour party of 2017 found themselves turned away at the gate having no day passes. Fuck Butlins.
Cake Any fans of Radio 5 Live would be well acquainted with talk of delightful cakes and scones that light up the commentator’s box. The MAD have had their own culinary genius to thank for some of their superb exhibits from time to time – Kim Dobner (beaten housewife of Steve).	Campervan If you toured Somerset in 2005, how could you possibly forget Thornton Smith’s iconic campervan? A rickety death machine that doubled as a mobile scoreboard after rubber suction cups and plastic numbers were sourced from a nearby toy shop. To complement the below image, we found The Dude (Antony Mann) hanging out. ( Link to Match Report )
CAMRA Matt Bullock is chairman of The MAD and he is also the chairman of Oxford CAMRA. Henceforth, the club are fairy ingrained in all things beer, cider and real ale.	CAMRA Pub Crawl With every MAD Tour comes a Matt Bullock enthused CAMRA pub crawl. Typically earmarked for the day off, a medium size troupe of sizzled tourists follow Warnie like a pack of sheep as he guides them to a succession of CAMRA endorsed watering holes. Some of which are even open for business.
Canada The FFTMCC’s fourth female player, #120 Sandra Steinhauer, heralded from Canada. Boyfriend and Club hedonist Ian Leggate recently disappeared to this North American country to stalk her and eventually marry her.	Canterbury House During the fateful Tour of Sidmouth in 2010, Mr. Hoskins’ party (of six) were served an invoice for their 3-day stay at the Canterbury House B&B. On there was a now legendary charge for the urination of a bed. Further to the charge was the below statement at the bottom of the invoice: ** - Please note that we are reserving the right to make any further compensation claims, depending upon what action (if any) needs to be taken to remove the urine smell from room 6, ready for further letting immediately from the 15^th August, and any other consequential damage that may have been caused to the mattress.
Cape of Good Hope Regular watering hole for Team MAD during the off season and during the season to be fair. The former landlady, Rachel Langley, would subsequently take over the Royal Oak on Woodstock Road whereby the team followed in lieu of sponsorship. She left that pub too, and so did The MAD.	Car Park Exactly what you would opinion this term to describe – an area to park your car. However, due to an on-field altercation between one of the club’s resident Barrow Boys [who shall remain nameless] and a batsman from the OU Offices in 2006, the car parking area of Pembroke was proposed as an ideal location for sorting out the “problem”. Happy to relate the situation was resolved in an adult fashion before anyone needed to move their cars [or cover their front teeth].
Car Park (Spiral) A ‘spiral’ car park where you park cars in Ipswich which offers little other than a brief distraction for a cricket tourist out on the piss.	Cash Box A familiar site post-match is Mike Reeves’ bulging bean box. Here he collects MAD cricketing taxes and plans his holidays to the USA by pilfering club funds largely unaudited – much like the EU (not that we can validate that statement naturally).
Causeway On Tour in 2013 in Weston-Super-Mare, Team MAD paraded their wares along the seafront causeway. Built sometime by somebody, it went some way to entertaining the players for a several minutes.	Charity Shops and Arcades Full of junk that nobody really wants but can’t be bothered to dispose of at a recycling plant, charity shops are now a British institution. Having replaced decent retail outlets by the coast, club beatnik, Mr. T. P. W. Smith, can be seen pilfering through the vast mountains of shite before heading off to a run-down amusement arcade with little in the way of amusement.
Cheese Boys A common name banded about to describe our then arch-rivals Cholsey CC. It was derived during a match at the Cheesites’ home several years ago, where the cricket teas consisted of various types of cheese sandwiches, cheese and onion crisps and cheesecake for afters [good news if you’re a vegetarian]. Even the local boozer [Red Lion] served up a variety of cheese dishes. ( Link to Match Report )	Chemical Brothers An amusing collective for MAD regulars Thornton Smith, Ian Howarth and the late (and great) Adrian J. Fisher, who in 2004 carried out extensive post-match research into an assortment of “chemicals” that could be procured from various social misfits. ( Link to Match Report )
Cheque (Giant) This huge cheque*, or placard, was presented to Ian Howarth at the 2007 AGM for his winning of the Player of the Season award. Thought lost, it eventually turned up under his bed beneath some hardened cat shit. The cheque was last seen in a skip off the Abingdon Road. ( Link to 2007 AGM )	Cidre Bouché As an award for the Champagne Moment of season 2005, Ian Howarth was presented with a bottle of French Cider at the AGM. The bottle of Cidre Bouché (4.5%) resided in a wall-mounted cupboard in his kitchen for several years, before the ungrateful sod poured it down the sink after finding it to have “gone off”.
Cigarette Lighters Fed up with Jake Hotson’s constant requests to borrow someone’s lighter whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2017, Andrew Darley finally broke and went to the nearest pound shop to buy him a couple of hundred.	Cigarette Lighter Domino Rally Pissed up of the Friday evening on Tour to Minehead 2017, Russ Turner stole all of Jake’s lighters and delighted in creating a domino rally out of them at the quayside pub.
Clouds Tall Bob has his head in them, whilst Mr Hoskins worships them. Clouds – a visible mass of liquid droplets suspended in the atmosphere above the surface of a planetary body. A little like Marmite, you either love or hate them.	Clueless The informed opinion of everyone who witnessed Andrew Darley’s bow as MAD skipper on Tour at Stogumber in 2017. Re-organising the batting order and deciding in his infinite wisdom to open up with roommate, Jon Newman, the team immediately slumped to 12 for 6. Game fucking over. ( Link to Match Report ) As an addendum to this, Captain Darley scuppered a record run-chase at Ferring on Tour in 2021 by deciding (in his infinite wisdom) to send Geoff Carter out to bat (at #6) just as the run rate was climbing and quick runs were required…. ( Link to Match Report )
Coach (Reynolds of Caister) Whilst on Tour in Norfolk in 2012, Tour Organiser Ian Howarth persuaded the Treasurer (Mike Reeves) to part with £280 of club funds to commandeer a twenty-six seater coach to Saxlingham Nethergate (to play the Gents). It was an unprecedented waste of money on a grandiose scale, with the coach less than half full including a Giant Duck. The journey was capped off by dropping the team off in the middle of nowhere in lieu of finding a pub near to the ground that didn’t exist anymore.	Coffin Seemingly back in vogue, the familiar cricket coffin has suddenly made a reappearance after years in the sporting wilderness. The one pictured below belongs to John Newman-Robson and is self-indulgent beyond belief – so much so it boasts personalised ‘salad’ stickers and other assorted bollocks.
Cold The coldest place on Mother Earth … Enstone CC. A joyous away trip at the start of the year where you get to see reindeer and Father Christmas. ( Link to Match Report )	Collapse The match situation in which many batsmen are dismissed in rapid succession for very few runs. The terms top order collapse or middle order collapse refer to batting collapses in a specific part of the batting order. With the Far from the MCC, however, they usually combine several specific collapses into one seismic, all-encompassing implosion. Here is a photo from Blenheim 2011…. ( Link to Match Report )
Concrete The composite material that encases James Hoskins’ feet whenever he goes out to bat. Per example, there is absolutely no foot movement whatsoever.	Conference Centre Balti Tower’s secret room of Tour 2016. So secret, it never gets cleaned – thus extremely handy when you leave (Travel) Duck there overnight. Unless Duck was there to keep an eye on a pissed-up opening batsman of course....
Cornwall Forming the westernmost part of the south-west peninsula of the island of Great Britain, Cornwall is a beautiful and scenic area very popular with tourists. Unfortunately, if the weather is shit, then it’s not very good, as was the case when The Jude toured the county back in 2002…. ( Link to Captain's Log )	Counter Not that most of The MAD need a ‘counter’ to add up to 6 balls bowled, but … we do have a few, and don’t anyone DARE steal Russ Turner’s bunch of them!
Covid-19 Starting out as a trifling cough out in the Far East, the world would shortly experience a pandemic courtesy of a contagious disease to be named Covid-19. A couple of people died and everyone got to wear funky masks, but the serious side was a delay to the cricket season starting. ( Link to Match Report )	Cow Nope, not a reference to cattle, but an ugly ‘hoik’ to leg which is commonplace in village cricket. This ignoramus of textbook elegance has been embraced by The MAD ever since their inception in 1998.
Cowley Marshes The singularly most depressing of council pitches The MAD have ever been unfortunate to play on. Unloved, rugged and with feral kids running amok against a backdrop of graffiti splattered walls likening war to TERROR.iSM – the Cowley Marshes is a desperate option. ( Link to Match Report )	C___ The ‘C’ word. It is a vulgar term for female genitalia, and it is also used as a term of disparagement. Reflecting different national usages, cunt is described as “an unpleasant or stupid person”. Used extensively on and off the cricket pitch, it came into its own on Tour 2016 with the Fines Book being riddled with the word. ( Link to 2016 Tour Fines )
Cutteslowe Park A world away from the detritus of Cowley Marshes, Cutteslowe Park offers up an excellent council ran cricket pitch and decent changing rooms. In summer the place is awash with happy kids and parents and little in the way of unruly yobs throwing bricks and bottles at you.	Dancing Injury A phrase often brought up to describe people struggling with leg movement – or used to take the piss out of impaired opposition. It came about after an incident involving James Hoskins some many years ago (in a nightclub one would surmise). What the fuck he was doing that evening we have no idea…. For the record, James is always breaking his ankles. See below….
Daniel Emlyn-Jones A research microbiologist and author of numerous books on Amazon, Daniel somehow ended up on The MAD email list during the 2018 campaign. Initially amused by the banter and rhetoric, it soon became tiresome and Danny asked to be removed. But as we all know so very well, that’s as easy as said than done once the original email had split into several other threads. In the end, T20 Skipper David Shorten copped the blame and in doing so reprimanded the team for being overtly childish for repeatedly spamming Daniel’s email address….	Darley’s Bunny Ian Howarth has always been rumoured to be Andrew Darley’s bunny – on the pitch or in the nets. See “Bunny” for further details.
Darcy Russell Following Russ Turner’s keeping against Appleton in 2018, Andrew Darley was quick to praise him on email by stating “Turner kept wicket exceptionally, dancing elegantly around behind the stumps and thus earning himself a new nickname of ‘Darcy Russell’.	Dark Fruit (Strongbow) The poison of choice whilst on Tour to Felixstowe in 2018. Likened to Ribena, this tainted cider was drunk by the gallons to keep hydrated … before, during and after games.
Dark Thoughts An attribute (and fine), that was often levied against the club’s antipodean novelist, Antony Mann. He was often caught “staring” at players during the course of match and it is thought that many of these individuals contributed to the characters in Antony’s published (dark) short stories.	Deck Chair(s) Brasenose College Sports Ground is synonymous with its aged and striped deck chairs to be found in the antiquated pavilion. In summer months these restive, classic antiques transform the boundary into quintessential seaside affair.
Deep Slip A position in the field somewhere deep behind the slip cordon. It was first coined back in the day by Jake Hotson – and was then subsequently stolen by the excellent Sky Sports commentary team (avoiding copyright).	Defibrillator Popularised my Mark Rundle in 2022 after he died on the pitch at Stanton St John. Fortunately, particularly for Pyscho [that is spelt incorrectly on purpose], one of these life-saving pieces of equipment was procured from a nearby pub along with a lady [Ashleigh] who was able to administer it. The rest as they say … is well, folklore.
Dew Drop Inn Reopened and rebranded in 2016, The Dew Drop has served as a watering hole for Team MAD since the early days. The pub’s close proximity to the cricket grounds at Jordan Hill and Cutteslowe Park has made it an ideal pre and post-match venue.	Diamond A “diamond duck” – a batsman who is ran out without facing a ball. Idiots dismissed in this fashion for Team MAD include Dave “Diamond” Emerson and Ian Leggate (pictured below). It is an exclusive and much revered club. ( Link to Match Report )
Diarrhoea Several players are usually afflicted by bad guts during a MAD Tour. Consecutive days imbibing oneself with beer and shitty fast food render the individual bog ridden for hours at a time. Ian Howarth is prize example, although his toiletry dependency is more a result of eating hot curries and scotch bonnet pizzas.	Dicking The use of the term “dicking” isn’t in any way a reference to sexual shenanigans. It is often used by cricketers in answer to the question of “how did you get on today, ole chap?” Well, if one’s day consisted of getting a complete hiding / stuffing / massacring / tonking / whalloping / bumming etc… you kinda get the drift. An excellent recent example of a “dicking” can be found by perusing the link below…. ( Link to Match Report )
Dietitian No, the team do not employ a dietitian or employ a personalised chef. They do however have a highly structured and commendable intake of alcohol, cigarettes and any other psychoactive substances deemed appropriate.	Dobner Clause Back in 2006, Steve Dobner claimed he was “too poor to play” and that the resultant post-match fines were making his decision to represent The MAD “unsustainable”. As a directive, it was decreed by the Fines Committee that anyone currently unemployed could claim “insolvency” (the Dobner Clause) and thus only be expected to pay a flat £1 fine whenever their fines exceeded that total.
Dog Bowl A bowl filled with water to sate a dog’s thirst and also a trip hazard for a pissed tourist in Felixstowe not watching where the fuck they are going.	Dog Shit A bilingual term to describe a MAD player’s abject batting (a far too common occurrence) and also a reference to the substance walked through a B&B whilst on Tour to Weston-super-Mare in 2013 by Ian Howarth.
Doggett (Gary) Wootton & Bladon’s legendary, cavemanesque glovesman and batsman. The whimsical Gary is held together by bandage tape and glue and brings a certain brutality to batting that Gilbert Jessup could only have dreamt of. ( Link to Match Report )	Dorchester-on-Thames Back in 2004, the Far from the Madding Crowd (as the team were then known) contested a timed and moribund affair against Dorchester-on-Thames. The only highlight, if you can call it that, was watching Thornton Smith pick magic mushrooms in the outfield. Needless to say, the fixture was not continued. ( Link to Match Report )
Dots A dot in a scorebook denotes a ball which has not been scored off. Dan Edwards’ innings for The MAD are (were) synonymous with dot balls and lots of them. Dan loved dots and dots loved him. His team mates are less enamoured.	Doughnuts A term first coined by Oxford’s joy-riding community in the early 90s. A period in which they used to scream stolen cars in circles in Blackbird Leys, filling the night air with the smell of burning rubber and oily smoke. Fast forward to June 11, 2006 and club stalwart, Matt Bullock, was seen “pulling a doughnut” in his TVR after enduring an insipid defeat to Milton CC. Fortunately, Matt was exiting the adjacent field and not the actual cricket pitch.
Drone In 2018, James arrived on Tour to Felixstowe with his pet drone. His first act of flying was to navigate it into a tree to spend the next hour retrieving it.	Duck Nobody is quite sure where Duck came into being, he just did – although James Hoskins claims he bought him at a motorway service station on Tour in 2009. Wherever the toy came from, Duck has cemented himself at the very heart of The MAD’s mascot fraternity. In his short term with the club, he has been drowned in lager at the Rose Bowl in Hampshire, soaked up several pints of cider at the Folly Bridge Pub in Oxford, chewed to a pulp by Joe Puppy and been on several MAD Tours. He is now rumoured to be lost and David Emerson knows nothing about it.
Duck(s) Nope, not the mascot who is called “Duck”, but the registering of a “duck”. A batsman who is dismissed without scoring and out for nought. The FFTMCC are quite obsessed with ducks and ducks are obsessed with them. Go to the “Records” section of the website to find a fascinating page relating solely to… er, ducks.	Dude Dude, in the prescriptive sense, can refer to both men and women. After Antony G. Mann (who is/was often likened to “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski) forgot to include an “s” at the end of the word in a group circular – the term could thus be applied to a group of Madsters. i.e a dude of MAD.
Duggers Duggers by name and Helen Dugdale by deed poll. Duggers was synonymous with The MAD’s nemesis, the now defunct OU Office team. She scored for them, organised their fixtures, supported them, washed their whites, collated their statistics, massaged their egos. Helen is still available for contract should a club require a cricketing servant of the highest possible calibre.	Duke of Wellington (Minehead) If getting shitfaced on the cheap is the order of the day, then having an evening/night out at Wetherspoons’ gloriously endorsed watering hole in Minehead ticks all the right boxes. It also has a back room which doubles as a godawful nightclub for Russ Turner to pull some shapes.
Dumb and Dumber Somehow, Jon Newman-Robson and roommate Andrew Darley were nicknamed Dumb and Dumber on Tour in 2017. Opening the batting at Stogumber and contributing two ducks towards 12 for 6 certainly didn’t help. Hobbs and Sutcliffe they most definitely were not.	Dummer The term can easily be used to describe some of the shot selection of MAD batsmen, but in actual fact it relates to the indoor cricketing facilities at the Dummer Cricket Centre in Basingstoke. The Far from the MCC have used these facilities on numerous occasions under the false assumption it might improve their game. It didn’t, though Howarth had a good argument with one of the batting coaches.
Dunkery Beacon Hotel The Dunkery Beacon Hotel in Minehead, served as hotelier for the Touring MAD from 2003 to 2005. A ramshackle, but cosy building cut into the picturesque Somerset hills, it holds many wonderful memories for the team – even if other guests would probably rather forget…. The hotel was bought and modernised some years ago and now boasts a la carte evening menus and a Fine Wine list.	Duntisbourne Abbotts A village and civil parish located in Gloucestershire that forms part of the Cotswold District. Former opposition the Nomads of Swindon often hosted cricket matches here. ( Link to Match Report )
Dwile Flonking The pastime of dwile flonking (also dwyle flunking) involves two teams, each taking a turn to dance around the other while attempting to avoid a beer-soaked dwile [cloth] thrown by the non-dancing team. It is prevalent in Norfolk and whilst on Tour there in 2012, The MAD were promised some ‘Flonking’ by the Saxlingham Gents CC. Alas, this never came to pass, but the ridiculous game remains in MAD psyche.	Eagle & Child Best known as a watering hole for CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien, and of course the far superior writer and talent who is Antony G Mann. Owned by St John’s College in the centre of Oxford City, rumours continue to swirl around its longevity as a pub. It has been shut since the pandemic.
Eastbourne The FFTMCC toured the south coastal town of Eastbourne in 2007. It was a riotous success, despite the off-colour weather – and there was hardly a whiff of piss in the air (old people). Organiser James Hoskins even orchestrated an air show to keep the Tourists amused – super stuff.	EasyHotel Remember the scene in Star Wars where our heroes are trapped in the rubbish compacter and come within inches of being crushed? Well, they STILL had more room than the tourists in Ipswich….
ECB Coaching Course Certificate – Level 1 Proof positive that some of the Far from the MCC are actually qualified to ECB Level One coaching standards, or at least James Dunne Hoskins is. Note the certificate covered and stained by a red wine spillage, which is very apt.	Eco Toilet A waterless toilet existing in the jungle behind Reach CC’s cricket ground. This composting turd hut was used by the team on Tour in 2018, when all other options were given up.
EGM Things got so bad in the results department in 2011, that an Emergency General Meeting was called halfway through the season to shore up confidence for the then beleaguered MAD skipper, Mr M. T. Westmoreland. In total The MAD lost a staggering 13 consecutive games, which included a humbling reverse in the rain to the Bodleian in a T20. ( Link to Match Report )	Electricians A common name given to historical opposition R. T. Harris. Their team apparently consisted of sparkies (electricians) who worked for the company, although a random head count would never throw up more than two employees, probably due to the number of East Oxford CC players in their ranks. ( Link to Match Report )
eLighters (and/or Vapes) An electronic fag, vape or nicotine delivery system is a battery-powered vaporizer which simulates the feeling of smoking, but without tobacco combustion. It’s a gimmick obviously, and several of the team have bought into it.	E-mail List “Once you get on, you can never get off.” A quote that sums up the Far from the MCC’s notorious team e-mail list(s). Since its inception back in the day, this list has morphed and transformed into many varied, hybrid bastard versions – each seemingly belonging to a different player of the team past and present. So even if you want to get yourself removed from one list, you’re fairly guaranteed to be on another…. New recruits are now warned in advance of heavy Club spamming and advised to use a Hotmail address.
Emblem An excellent job by Russ Turner’s printing press in 2017 to produce Touring Emblem’s to give away to various hosts.	Estonia A reference to Enstone CC following a trip there at the start of 2013 to play one of the coldest games of cricket ever known. It is doubtful the temperature got much above freezing, but with the wind chill applied, it was desperate. See “Cold”.
Exercise(s) In recent years, some of The MAD team have taken to pre-game warm up exercises in addition to drinking alcohol. Whether the two go hand in hand is open to debate.	Extreme Since Paddy Mellor was sworn in as Fines Chairman, nearly every fine’s tariff was doubled on being “extreme”. Extreme frowning, extreme sighing, extreme smugness and extreme… well, anything really. Rather than being indicted for being an officious prick, Paddy was instead championed by the Treasurer for raising ‘essential’ fines income for the Club.
Fantasy Cricket MAD Fantasy Cricket was the brainchild of James Hoskins and dates back to 2006. Using mysterious convoluted formulas based on previous seasons successes and failures, JMO’s competition runs every season and has now become almost as important as the cricket itself (at least you have a chance of winning).	Far from the Madding Crowd Revered home pub and sponsor to the club after it was opened by Posthumous Club Patron, Noel P. Reilly, back in the summer of 2002. Located in the centre of Oxford it became the sister pub to the Jude Obscure in nearby Jericho. The club became nomadic (the No-Mad) after deciding to leave the establishment in the fall of 2004. Sadly, the pub closed at the start of 2015 after being deemed by the landlord as “no longer economically viable”. It has since reopened after becoming a Caribbean restaurant. ( Link to Match Report )
Fat Boys An amusing nickname given to our arch-rivals and very good friends from Wootton & Bladon CC (or West Wootton… or West Bladon or whatever name they play under). It was noted many years ago that various members of the opposition were ample of the gut and most rounded at the waist. Over the years, we’re happy to relay that some of these (more) portly gentlemen have been replaced in kind. ( Link to Match Report )	Fat Cat Pub A friendly free house pub in Ipswich and winner of many CAMRA awards, it doubles as a venue to showcase your lack of pool skills whilst intoxicated.
Felixstowe A seaside town in Suffolk and location of the sun-baked MAD Tours of 2018 and 2023. The Port of Felixstowe is the largest container port in the UK (apparently). ( Link to 2018 Tour Ratings )	Female Weightlifters Due to the quite shocking weather which serenaded the Tour of 2008 to South Wales (The Mumbles), the tourists found themselves camped on a daily basis within the four walls of the local pubs. Fortunately, the Beijing Olympics was on – so attention and betting was immediately focused on the female weightlifting competition. Fuck knows who won it (the competition that is)… though probably the Chinese….
Fennel A vegetable, bulbous in shape, which is rumoured to give good luck to the team utilising it. Prior to a match a ritual is performed to see if it can be inserted into the wicket, such as by Nick Hebbes in 2003 whilst on Tour to Minehead, Somerset. ( Link to Match Report )	Fennel Brothers A collective for Steve and Nick Hebbes who were to introduce the bizarre fennel ritual to The MAD back in 2003. See “Fennel” for further details.
Ferring Home to a cricket club of the same name and hosts to a Touring MAD team in 2021, it was a day that will live long in the memory for all the events off the field as well as on it. ( Link to Memorable Matches and 2021 )	Ferry Often talked about over a beer or six, the Tour to the Isle of Wight finally came to pass in 2022. Organised by Messrs Bullock, Timms and Hotson, it was a huge success with weather to match. The ferry to the island and back will long be remembered (especially for those not plastered). ( Link to Match Report )
FFTMCC go digital Popular MAD WhatsApp group used for extreme spamming and pissing Dave Shorten and Moo off. It has in fact pissed everyone off at some point or another, and maybe that’s the point? It is currently hated most by Mr Hotson.	FFTMCCC For a short span of time between 2002 and 2004, the cricket team were affiliated with the Far from the Madding Crowd pub in the centre of the Oxford city. Having followed the landlord Noel (of Jude Obscure fandom) the cricket team bore an extra “C” in their title before becoming the Far from the MCC.
Fir Tree The Fir Tree pub on the Iffley Road, Oxford, has hosted a few of The MAD AGM’s in previous years. It was a rather cramped affair in the back room, but nonetheless did a most serviceable job. Beer, food, landlord and regulars are all good.	First When it comes to Cup Competitions, The MAD don’t do coming first. They perhaps would’ve come first in the “Friendly” Cup of 2016, but lost out to the OCCSCC and their two ringers who rocked up and scored two thirds of their runs and took half of their wickets. The FFTMCC left the competition in 2021.
First Aid Kit The MAD first aid kit is a joke. In fact, it has always been a joke. Only recently has a nondescript see-through envelope made way for a small handled bag, containing, erm… a few paracetamols and some torn and bloodstained bandages.	Fish n’ Chips Due to club’s fixation with touring close to the coast, the staple diet has always been a fish n’ chips frenzy whilst perched on a harbour wall. Exceptions to this rule are vegetarians who eat pizza (perched on a harbour wall), and the trip to f______ T______ in 2014 where there was no fucking harbour wall.
Flares Club hipster and fashion guru, Jake Hotson, is often seen showcasing a groovy pair of white flares for his cricketing histrionics. Yeah, no idea why.	Folly Bridge (Tap Social) Due to its close proximity to Brasenose and Pembroke College Sports Grounds, the Folly Bridge pub has always been a regular to The MAD since back in the day. Recently the pub has been bought out to have its twentieth rebrand in as many years…. It will, however, always be the “Folly Bridge”.
Fountain Court Hotel The aforementioned hotel did the team just fine on their Tour down to Hythe, Hampshire in 2015 and 2016. Extremely reasonable rates underpinned a friendly bar, decent pool table, darts board and SKY coverage of England giving the Aussies a good pasting in the Ashes. What more could you possibly ask for? A bed – for Mr Shorten’s dog? Done. See “Balti Towers” for further details.	Friendly Cup The FFTMCC were invited to participate in the Friendly Cup for the first time in 2016. They have subsequently made two finals whereby losing to the OCCSCC by 49 runs and Moreton CC by considerably more than that. They have now left the competition. The cup has been running for some thirty years. ( Link to Friendly Cup Guide )
Frisbeer The game of “Frisbeer” came about in season 2010 when a group of MAD cricketers, bored with sitting pitch side and doing fuck all, decided on trying to knock over some stacked beer cans with a Frisbee (hence its name). The game (if it can be called that) was underwritten on Tour of the same year as being part of the “Madolymps”.	“FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!” Whoops – some butter fingered incompetent has just dropped a catch….
“Fucking hell….” Popular cricketing outburst which is never broadcast by the SKY having been picked up on their stump-microphone. Typical examples include a fuck up in the field, losing the toss, a demoralising defeat, or accompany a meltdown whilst alone in the changing rooms….	“Fuckin’ ell, Geoff!!!” An audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by doddery Geoff Carter.
“Fuck sake, Geoff!!!” An audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by doddery George Carter. In recent years, even if it wasn’t Geoff who blundered he most probably gets the blame.	“Fuck it.” A common post-match analytical comment which accompanies any inquest or post mortem into the latest MAD defeat.
“Fuck me.” Head in hands, back in the changing rooms, the grim realisation of what a shit innings you played for The MAD comes home to roost….	“[Oh] fuck off!” The typical vocal reaction from a MAD batsman at difference to an adverse LBW decision awarded against him [read plumb and generally sanctioned by a member of his own team].
“Fuck Sake!” Evenly split between batsmen, bowlers and fielders of The MAD, this common vocal utterance can be heard at regular intervals following moments of non-glory and ineptitude.	F______ T______ Telford is a god accursed shithole from hell that unfortunately became venue to a MAD Tour in 2014, after Shrewsbury defaulted. Nobody was to blame, but Mr P. A. S. Mellor was involved….
“Fuck this….” We’ve all been there – another crushingly, mortifying day of total underachievement and non-fulfilment on the field of dreams. Right now, you couldn’t give a shit and can’t even contemplate playing this fucking game again….	Fucking Horrendous We’ve all had bad matches where things don’t go according to plan. Jon Newman-Robson saved his worst performance for his Tour debut to Minehead. He bagged a golden duck opening up, fielded like a cock and then returned bowling figures of 0.1-0-5-0.
“[No] fucking way….” Despite numerous failings at this most frustrating of sports, you’ve done it again – gone and fucked it right up. You wouldn’t believe it….	“Fuck You You Fucking Fuck!” Sticker The Fuck You You Fucking Fuck sticker was proudly displayed by former MAD skipper Ian Howarth on his bat in the game against Dorchester in 2005 (a gift from his friend and teammate Thornton Smith). It was silent sledging of such wit and cleverness that, after a bad-tempered game which they lost by five wickets, The MAD were never invited back, and never wanted to go anyway. The sticker ended up in a mouldy old kit bag and was eventually discovered by Ant Mann’s 9-yr old son Zac in their attic in Cricket Road, and now resides on the inside cover of the folder used by Ant to keep all his old cricket crap.
“Fuck your fish n’ chips!” Reserved exclusively for the vegetarian members of any MAD Touring party, this curt response is a reaction to suggestions that everyone head to the fish and chip shop by the seafront.	Fruit Inspector Ahh, the blessed “Fruit Inspector”. A mysterious character who came into [fruit]ion in the summer of 2005 – after penning a short report to accompany the main h’orderve. It kick-started a now familiar tradition of occasional supplementary critiques to accompany the match report itself. ( Link to Inspectorate )